Confused about my partners depression

[page02]

My partner of only two years suffers from depression which I confronted him about 18 months into our relationship as I knew he was different. I am fully understanding and said that I would support him through this.

The problem is he won't seek medical help even though I have offered to attend the appointment with him or just go with him to be a support. He told me he reached out in 2011 and no one cared, I have tried to tell him things have changed but can't seem to get him to see that.

We don't live together because he tells me he is not ready and needs his own time. When we are together I hardly get boo from him but when he is with the blokes at the pub he is full of confidence which he tells me is a front. When he is in public he is full of confidence but behind closed doors people would see a different person just like I do. His life is chaotic.

If am always the driver therefore he tends to have a few drinks and has no consideration for me when i venture out to the car because I have had enough. Most of our friends do not know he is suffering from depression and quite often ask me why I am with him as they see the hurt in my eyes.

The problem is I love him but I am scared to leave him as I would feel terrible if something happened. In the two years we have been together I have never received a birthday card, gift, flowers or anything.

I love home but just can't seem to leave him. There is a big age difference between us

[CMF]

Hi and welcome,

i feel for you. It's not easy to love and not feel loved in return. You say that you saw he was different. Can you expand on that a little? Did he admit he has depression or did you bring it up?

i was seeing someone who never bought me a card, or present or flowers. He would spend time with me at home, never out and would go out with his cousin but I was never invited. HexwSnt depressed or anything but he was a comitment phobic. Your partner could be putting on a front in front of the boys but to then have no consideration for you going out to the car is not really fair.

i understand you love him and don't want to leave but are you really happy? He won't seek help, behaves differently with you and seems to not respect your feelings. I don't think staying because you feel bad leaving is the right thing for you. You deserve happiness. Depression can affect how we behave with others ie not caring, feeling low but he sounds a little disrespectful. Two different things in my eyes.

i hope you can find happiness.

cmf

[Morgz]

Hello, if someone needs help and will not get that help all you can do is support him, but it sounds like you also need to do what's in the best interests of yourself. You sound like your in a one way relationship where your all give and there's not much receiving. There's not a balance in the relationship, your giving and he's taking and not giving as much back maybe.

Communication is everything, communicate how you feel and let him know if the relationship isn't working, depression or not, no one should have to stay in a relationship they don't want to be in anymore.

if that's not the case,

ask him how he really feels, let him know he can say anything and you can support him and help him as much as you can. And when it gets too much to handle, urge him to contact a professional for his own sake- The worlds a more understanding place than it was, people care about our mental state.

lots of people use alcohol as a mood elevator when it does the exact opposite when you're depressed, do things together that make you feel good that yous will bond over that doesn't include alcohol. Let him know alcohol is a depressant-he may not know alcohol makes you feel down.

For one, I was the girlfriend who had depression and I didn't want professional help cause I didn't think it was that bad and was embarrassed about it. I reached out to my boyfriend and he didn't care and wasn't supportive- he wasn't the one for me and our relationship ended. I was rejected the first time I reached out and I was hurt -But I'm still here- I regretted not getting help when I knew I first needed it. but I swallowed my pride and asked for help again and went to a professional- it came to the point where I needed it. It wasn't even a choice it just had to happen, it had to be my next step. Cause i didn't have any other option, my depression had consumed me. But i wouldn't have wanted anyone to stay with me if they didn't want to but felt they had too so I wouldn't break. I would've felt the resentment and I don't think I could've handled anymore guilt. I got through it on my own and Im better off for it.

I hope it all works out for you and your boyfriend, whether it be together or individual. I hope he can seek help soon- it's the only good ending to his story. And it brings a whole better beginning.

[geoff]

hello Page, whether your b/friend is in denial or realising that any previous help didn't work, really amounts to the same, and it's quite often that anyone will go out drinking with their mates putting on a fake face, until they get home and then they are swamped by their depression, and whether he is using alcohol as a way to self medicate could be why he goes out drinking.
If your friends wonder why you are still going out with him because they see the hurt in your eyes, I wonder if they have asked you why you seem to be this way.
You say you love him, but is this because you are worried for him, because you have not received any sort of present for your birthday and I presume Xmas as well, but don't get me wrong it is quite possible for this to happen, however it doesn't seem to be much of a life for yourself, so it's very enjoyable at all.
You can't stay with him if he doesn't show you any type of love, so all you are doing is being with him just to keep him safe, but when you're not with him then you don't know what he's up to because you can't keep watching him 24/7 and I'm sure that's not what he wants.
If you leave this relationship doesn't mean that you stop loving him, because you could always check on him every now and then, but for me I would be suggesting that you move away from this relationship and start to enjoy your life with someone who shares their love for you, because now you're not happy.
You can't do anything for him when he won't get it himself, so all your energy is being wasted, there is love out there for you, somebody hoping that you do become single. Geoff. x

[page02]

Hi

Yes my friends see the hurt in my eyes but I do not tell them about him suffering from depression as I feel like I am betraying his trust in me.

My partner only seems to talk to me about it when he is socially relaxed which is frustrating. I did ask he a couple of weeks ago where are we heading and told me he can't commit to anyone because he just ends up hurting people or they leave him. That is where i then jumped in and told him he needs to get help and I would support him and go to the Dr with him but I guess there is only so much one person can do.

thanks for replying to my post

take care

[CMF]

Hi,

i agree with Geoff, you need to think of your happiness. He has told you he can't commit so maybe it's time to move into the 'friend' zone. You can still try and help but look out for you. If he says he can't commit he should be understanding.

i think it's very thoughtful of you not telling your friends of his droression. He may nit like it if you do, however if you part ways maybe you could explain to them as I assume they won't see him anymore.

all the best

cmf x

[Anony18]

Hi page02

Welcome to the forums first and foremost. I completely understand how you are feeling and the current position you are in. My partner has depression and a chaotic life. Difference is that he does see a psych about it. Other than his psych only I know about how depressed he is but that is cause he isn't very open about his feelings. Saying that his psych has mentioned that he should not have any relationships so he told me a week ago but yet he didn't end it. Last I saw him (before he is off for a trip) which was a few days ago he was really sweet and affectionate. I understand how hard it is loving someone and the fear something will happen if things ended. However you need look after your needs and if after communicating with him about his behaviour, he does not change you may need to reassess if this is what you want. As geoff mentioned you can't force someone to confide in you. My partner says he doesnt think he can but there are moment I think he does without realising. I am currently taking things a step at a time with my partner given it is only recently he mentioned he has depression and time will tell if we will be together or not....however hard that choice is. Like you I can only hope things will work out.