For the first time ever I'm truly scared - I think we are losing her

[K_Eli]

I've been awake all night worrying about my sister who has Bipolor Disorder. For the first time ever I am so scared. I feel like we are losing her. I wish I could take her pain away but I can't.

Back story: My sister (43) has been living with Bipolar for approximately 20 years however was only really diagnosed 10 years ago. She is currently medicated although these have not been working for many years. She is highly educated and holds a double degree and has 2 teenage children (one with mild autism) She is extremely overweight (180+kg) and I feel like if her weight doesn't kill her then her Bipolar will.

Me: I am 37 and we are the only 2 siblings in a divorced family. I am married with an 18 month old and 12 year old. I too am educated but feel so defeated tonight. Although I am the youngest I have always felt the oldest and take on the role of the fixer / problem solver.

The turning point for my sister was about 5 years ago when she was involved is a serious accident which resulted in her having to reconstruct her ankle with plates and screws. She was in hospital and rehab for approximately 3 months. As result she now has chronic pain issues compounded by a recently torn ACL. She ceased working after her initial accident. She spiralled into a deep depression but hasn't come back. I don't know how to get her back.

Tonight at a family birthday dinner she was in tears at the restaurant (not uncommon) but something just took over me that leaves me feeling so helpless. I honestly feel like we are losing the fight. She talked of running away and that she and the kids will be homeless very soon which is a real possibility. Actually it is inevitable. I don't know how to help her.

I stated our action plan at the dinner which is on Monday I will contact our family GP, get her an appointment for that day and I will attend the appointment with her. We will discuss medication issues, psychiatric help her serious accommodation issues and general health.

I just don't know what else to do. What if she can't hang on till Monday?

Usually I feel reassured that we will get through it but tonight I just don't. I know my mum felt the same way. Something was just different about tonight.

My heart is breaking for her

Recently I dreamt that her life ended. This has

I feel her mental health took a massive

[Kazzl]

Hello K Eli, welcome to the forum. I can see you're in a lot of distress. It's a few hours since you posted and I hope this has eased a little for you.

I have bipolar 2, so understand some of what your sister is experiencing. And I want to say thank you for being such a caring sister.

It's true that we can get to the point when it's very hard to help ourselves, when we just want to run away from our minds, when we believe the impact we're having on others is too great and they would be better off without us. And it's also the case that sometimes we are unaware of how we are affecting others.

In times like these, the loving care of another person is so important, so please, amid your fear, know that you are doing the right thing.

I am glad you have an action plan, that's a very good start. However, if you are fearful for your sister's safety over the weekend, don't hesitate - get her to hospital. If she won't go, call the hospital and ask to speak to someone in the mental health unit and ask them for advice.

Otherwise, if possible, could either you or another relative or friend stay with her over the weekend and monitor her mood? Talk to her about it too. Let her know your concerns. She may or may not take them in, but do try. Let her know there is help at hand, remind her of the safety plan. You may have already spoken about this, but reinforce it (we can forget easily sometimes when we're in an episode, reinforcement and reminders are important).

You could also call the BB helpline on 1300 22 4636 to speak to a professional who can advise on actions.

You are right in wanting to attend the doctors with your sister. And it might be that her medication needs adjusting - sometimes they become ineffective after a time. I know my doctor refers patients on to a psychiatrist if medication needs become more complex. In any case it does sound like it's time for a review.

You mention she is at risk of homelessness - has she or anyone else spoken with either the public or not-for-profit services about this? If you google 'services for at risk of homelessness' and the name of your area, you should be able to find out what's available.

As for the weight gain, sadly that is a common byproduct of a lot of bipolar medications. I understand there are drugs that can help bipolar people overcome that - perhaps ask the doctor or do some googling (sorry we can't discuss specific drugs).

Happy to keep talking hun if you want to. We're here for you both.

Kaz

[K_Eli]

Thanks for the response Kazzl. I do feel calmer now and managed to get some sleep. I sent my dad over to check on her this morning which put me at ease a little.

I guess in terms of care for her i feel stagnant. And its been that way for years. She has done nothing proactive about her meds and our doctor puts in place plans but nothing eventuates.

Money is a huge factor now and relying on the public system is useless.

Im thinking do i do my own research n find a psychiatrist which would skip some of the waiting issues with the GP.

I feel like if i dont get her help now we will lose her.

There are many difficult layers to our family and situation that are very inter twined and detailing them all out would take forever.

This is my primary focus right now and i will keep pushing through until monday

[Kazzl]

Hi K, thanks for posting again. I'm glad you feel calmer now, and it is very good that there are others in the family you can call on.

Doing some research and finding a good psychiatrist would be a good idea. You might find something helpful on the Blackdog Institute website too - they have a particlar focus on bipolar and you might find specialised avenues of support and information there.

Your concerns are valid K, as you probably know sadly people with bipolar disorder, especially type 1, do have a higher incidence of self-harm and suicide, also addiction and homelessness. So if anyone tries to persuade you you're 'just panicking' or being overprotective or such, stand your ground. If you believe there is a risk then there is.

Having said that, I want to say that you must also care for yourself. You sound burnt out, like the weight of caring has worn you down, and that's not good for you. You need to share the load if that's possible.

We are here for you as well as your sister. We have a special board for carers and some excellent carer champions who might be able to help you. And, if you want to talk to a professional, the helpline is there for you too.

There is only so much anyone can do hun and it sounds to me like you are doing a wonderful job with your sister. She truly is fortunate to have you, but if there is an opportunity, say once you've seen the doctor on Monday, for you to take a break, have some time out for yourself, I think that would be wise.

I wonder if it might help your sister to chat to some 'fellow travellers'. Do you think she might be interested in this forum?

Very best to you K, and we're here whenever you needs us.

Kaz

[Kazzl]

Hi again K, sorry I got my boards mixed up. Of course this is the board for carers, so no need to look elsewhere. I'm sure a carer champ will be along in due course.

Kaz

[K_Eli]

Thanks so much Kaz. It really helped to get it down in writing and an outsiders perspective.

Right now i have her son staying over for the weekend to try lighten the load for her however her 13yo daughter is with her.

I know my neice contacted my mum (nan) and said she is worried about her. My neice also divulged that she has been in tears at school. I hate that this 13yo kid has to deal with this but i have a baby of my own to take care of and he is my priority too.

After reading the post about contact and support im thinking i may call my neice and instruct her to call the support line on behalf of my sister n then hand the phone over to her. Im aware this may feel pressuring to my sister but from past experience she needs to be pushed. I will also feel better knowing she has a support line.

I just feel torn with putting my neice in this situation but i try to rationalise that it is better than loding my sister all together.

Thoughts????

[Kazzl]

Hi K (lovely to see you!)

I think maybe discuss your idea with your niece and see how she feels about it. If she is willing to make the call I think it would be a good idea. It might even help her to talk with a professional about her mum's situation and the effect on her. Make sure she knows it's not her fault if her mum refuses to talk with them though. And that she's doing really well by trying to support her mum and get help.

It's a very tough burden for a teenager to be so upset and scared for their mum. Do you know if she is getting any support at school - talking with the school counsellor or a favourite teacher?

Kaz

[MsPurple]

HI K and Kazzl

My mum has bipolar disorder. She was diagnosed when I was your neices age. My mum would look so sad some days but she always tried to put a smile on her face. My parents are divorsed. I remember about to leave to go to mums place to start me week at her place when I got called to the office. They told me I need to stay with my dad. That is when she was diagnosed. She was in such a bad place. She should have been hospitalised but refused. She tells me the only reason why she didn't commit suicide is because of us kids. And I am so glad she didn't. She is the best mum and one of my best friends. She didn't know she had bipolar so she would get manias and not know what was happening. She spent more money then she should have and almost lost the house. SHe got a finacial councellor and they helped her with budgetting and basically saved us from losing the house (and probably not being about to afford rent). Has she considered financial councelling? There are also social workers that have a focus on mental health and people being at risk of homelessness. They might be able to help your sister with budget accomodation.

Hope this helps. I'm so glad you are helping your sister. My mum had a friend who helped her and checked on her. She made sure she was safe. Mum really appreciated it.

[Kazzl]

Good morning K, just checking in to see how things are. I hope you all had a peaceful night.

Here if you need to talk hun

Kaz

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome K;

I along with Kaz am concerned for your situation. I don't have much experience with bi polar, but I do have a good heart and mind, and care deeply for people in need of support. Your story seems complex and scary; I understand the desperation in your words and am here to support you any way I can.

Everything Kaz has said is such good advice and so wise; I reiterate it with confidence. I applaud your caring and gutsy attitude, but do agree with Kaz when she says to find time for you to recharge and regenerate.

One thing you and I have in common, is having adult siblings (and their children) in need of help. I feel I need to speak up about using your niece to connect with counsellors. As much as it may seem that desperate times call for desperate measures, your niece has her own issues to deal with; and even though she may agree to phone on her Mums behalf, at 13, this might add to the grief and fear she has to face within herself. Having someone of a mature age would suit this scenario more comfortably. Young minds don't have the resilience or experience to cope unfortunately. She has her own battles, so support for her is just as important as it is for all concerned including yourself.

You haven't said if you're seeing a psychologist or counsellor; I would recommend this highly. Especially to sort the forest from the trees so to speak...to find balance.

In regards to 'urgency' or 'emergency', 000 is the best place to start. They're professional respondents and know exactly what to do. The mental health team or welfare rep at your hospital can contact housing services on your sisters behalf and will receive a faster response than you. Advocacy thru govt agencies is there, you just have to ask for help and continue to badger them.

Specialist crisis reps at Centrelink, disability services, community services and housing can be requested for liaising and referral. If there's an advocacy service close by, they may be able to speed things up. Not only for your sister, but her daughter.

I wish you well K. You've taken on quite a task; be sure to gather all the help you can. Beat down the 'squeaky door'!

Warm and kind thoughts...Dizzy xo