Can anyone help me?

[Tryhard]

I am a senior male taking out a woman for 4 years after the death of my wife. She has now been off work for 5 months with severe anxiety disorder and during that time with the Phsychiatrists blessing I have called on her each morning for a coffee, short shopping trip, or short walk but we have not been out anywhere or had any intimacy whatsoever. It has been up and down but she is so scared of almost anything and anything I suggest like going to a restaurant or staying over at my place for a couple of days is rejected. She has a good relationship with the Psychiatrist but all we appear to be doing is waiting to get better. I want her to try being a bit more pro-active and start to do normal things like going out, going away for weekends and making love as normal. Certainly not restaurants every week but slowly getting back to normal activity. Obviously I should not take the rejection personally but it is so hard. It is tearing me apart and I now am suffering anxiety and depression over my concern for her. Beyond Blue offers a referral service to professionals but I just want to talk to others who are experiencing the same or who have done so and survived! What else can I do to help my woman? She is scheduled to return to work in another 8 weeks but I cannot see this happening at this stage although last week it appeared she was making such good progress and within a couple of days she was back to square one. A fortnightly Psychiatrist appointment is ok but all we are doing is waiting to get better! There must be a better way?

Can you help me?

Thanks,

Tryhard

[geoff]

hi Tryhard, thanks for coming to the site.
What is now happening is that there are 2 people suffering from anxiety and depression, you and your friend, but perhaps I should call her your g/friend with respect.
Just waiting for her to 'get better' is the same as asking 'how long is a piece of string', it's a statement which nobody can give an answer to, but what you have been trying to do is certainly a good way to try and help her, just be doing it slowly.
I realise that it's not going fast enough for you, but let's forget about the 8 weeks at the moment, deal with the situation now.
It would seem to be impossible for her to try another psych, especially if they have a good relationship, but perhaps she could go and see a psychologist as well, who would encourage her to venture out with you.
Sure we all want to get better, but with this, programs have to be put into place, new ideas put onto the table, other techniques in how to cope with various situations so that something positive is trying to make her better, in other words she just can't wait to get better, because it will take much longer for her to improve.
The other issue is that you should go and visit your GP, because now all of this is becoming a journey which is not helping yourself. Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear Tryhard

Hello and welcome. What a loving thing to do, to come here and ask how we can help you to help your GF. You sound like a great person.

I thought when I read your post that perhaps going to a psychologist as well as the psychiatrist would be a help. Then I read Geoff's reply where he says the same. Psychiatrists and psychologists have different roles. Looking after your GF and, presumably, prescribing medication is the the psychiatrist's role, plus some counselling. The psychologist looks more at how the person thinks and acts. They complement each other. I have been to both, pros and cons for each.

Can you ask your GF and the psych if you can attend a session with her. It would help you to help your GF by knowing the way the psych is helping her. There are so many therapy processes and it would be good if you could reinforce the therapy. I really urge you to discuss with your GF and the psych, the possibility of going to a psychologist as well.

How much do you know about depression and anxiety? Have a look around this web site. There is a great deal of information available which you can download or ask BB to send hard copies.

I will tell you a little about my depression which you may find helpful. I hated being alone in my home, I live alone, and would make opportunities to go out. If I was in a group of people I would start to panic and leave. Then my home was the safest place and I would breathe a sigh of relief when I arrived. Your GF is going for walks with you, which is great therapy, and she feels safe doing this. Going to a restaurant can feel overwhelming because there are usually many people there.

I longed for company and had a group of friends who visited or phoned. My daughters phoned me often. Even so I felt so bad I would just cry for ages. These were the times when I would phone a friend or family. I also believed I was utterly worthless and incompetent. This is often part of depression and in my case was also because of past experiences. Feeling completely hopeless id standard for depression. I keep saying depression because when someone is anxious they are often depressed as well and I wonder if this applies to your GF.

The process of healing often means two steps forward and one back. See it as a good sign that your GF has improved, if only for a few days. Do you think she went back to square one? The progress may be slow but once started gathers momentum, even if it is hard to see at time. Write in again.

Mary

[Tryhard]

Thanks Geoff for taking time to post,

To confirm the 8 weeks is when return to work is scheduled after having to take long service as it is now 4.5 months since her illness commenced. I am seeing my GP today actually which I hope will point me in the right direction. The biggest thing is facing the continual rejection of what I consider sensible things to try but I don't understand the way this effects the other person so I have to accept that offering 'rational' suggestions is not going to get 'rational' replies.

Regards,

Tryhard

[Tryhard]

Dear Mary,

Thank you for your reply which I will use as a lever to try to help further.

The suggestion of also visiting a Psychologist is sound and has been considered but not yet acted upon mainly I think as my GF thinks it is one against the other but I have been concerned for a few weeks now that more is required with respect to one on one talk counselling. Medication has had to be changed due to side effects which has not helped but the feeling of 'wait and see' just does not ring bells for me. Obviously as a helper you wonder if a return to good health will ever happen and the rejection of ideas is very hard to deal with particularly when we are (were?) so close before this took hold.

Your comments re quietness of home and crowds at restaurants are well noted as I do understand that the people factor is a strong deterrent either at restaurants or shopping centres however I have been pleased that my daily visits have included some small shopping visits to Shopping Centres without drama but we have yet to try a restaurant and that alone after nearly 5 months has been a consideration in my own despair. In response to your question re square 1, it is hard to know as any improvement has been greeted by me as a great step forward and although I have warned her about the feeling of one step forward two steps back I myself have found this so very hard to cope with. There have been days of real pleasure as I have seen progress but then the very next day you wonder if that good feeling will ever happen again!

The diagnosis is Severe Anxiety Disorder and all I know is that there is a fear of many things but have been unable to really find out what these things are. I have experienced seeing some panic attacks over the last 4 years but always end within a few minutes. This particular episode of illness has never happened before but has been a complete change of personality, weight loss, and frailness.

Hopefully I will have the strength to continue helping because often you just feel you are putting too much pressure on to get well!

Regards,

Tryhard

[blondguy]

Hello Tryhard

A very interesting topic. I see that Geoff and Whiterose have provided some great advice. Your girlfriend is in a bad place right now and just 'being there' to provide gentle encouragement would be a big help.

Having anxiety/depression for 4 to 5 months is still early stages for this illness. I am not being negative in any way, only a realist. I had acute anxiety for years followed by depression after the anxiety symptoms dissipated.

Your girlfriends illness is similar to say diabetes or a back injury..except we cant see the invisible crutches she is using right now. She may have the illness for quite some time.

There is no doubt you are trying very hard which is honorable. If you even consult your own GP and have a chat about what she (and yourself of course) is going through would be a great start. Knowledge about this illness will also help your understanding and thus how you can care for her effectively. Knowledge will also ensure your health will not suffer too

Waiting to get better may also exacerbate the anxiety itself. The not going out socially, going for walks and lack of sex drive are all part of this condition no matter how pro-active we wish to be.

Being pro-active with ongoing visits to a counselor combined with a good GP will reduce the anxiety and thus will help the depression as well. In the '80's I contacted my council and they put me in touch with a mental health worker who wanted to see me every week to 'curb' the severity of my anxiety. It worked...after six months of weekly visits....and after 30 years I still see my psychologist regularly and my GP for a 'fine tune'

Everyone's situation does vary of course but this isnt a short term condition for your girlfriend.

My kind thoughts for both of you

Paul

[Tryhard]

I am replying to Pauls post as I am not sure the correct procedure but wanted to reply again to Geoff,Mary, and Paul.

I have just returned from a visit to my GP and certainly not what I expected from a member of the medical profession. Whilst I have only seen this GP once before due to change of address I was shocked to say the least. I felt I needed some guidance in controlling my own emotions whilst trying to care and help my GF of 4 years.

The GP said I needed to consult with a Psychologist for my own depression/anxiety in caring for my GF BUT he wrote down the list No 1 - 3. 3 was see a Psychologist and take anti depressant medication. No 2 was see a Psychologist. No 1 on his list was to say GOOD BYE - GOOD LUCK to my GF!!!!!

He said caring for her with anxiety /depression will lead you to having anxiety / depression and in turn will feed her illness so the best course of action was GOOD BYE - GOOD LUCK!

I said a lot of people would disagree with you and he responded "Up to you"

I have no further comment at this stage but would certainly love to get any feedback.

My main aim of course is to see my GF return to good health even if it means management from here on.

Tryhard

[james1]

Hey Tryhard,

I'm glad that your GP referred you to see a psychologist. That sounds like very good advice for your situation in which you're not only dealing with your GF's mental health troubles, but your own as well.

But it sounds like you're more keen to hear feedback on his no.1 piece of advice about leaving your GF.

I want to caveat what I'm about to say with: I don't think anyone but you can answer that question, because you alone know how you're feeling about the relationship.

My personal opinion is it's not your GP's place to tell you what to do with your relationships. I would take his advice as simply advice to make sure you don't neglect your own mental health. As others have said, this is going to be a long term thing so you need to make sure you clearly define your own boundaries - when is enough, enough?

I think you're doing an amazing thing by sticking around to help her out through this difficult situation and I really admire you for that. Clearly you care very much for her, but it really is a balance between caring for someone and caring for yourself.

To my mind, it's a matter of caring for myself first, and knowing what my limits are, then sparing the rest of my effort to support those I love. Of course, that's what I say - what I do in practice, because it's so hard not to, is quite the opposite!

I hope that helps - you're caught in a very tricky situation and my kindest thoughts go out to both you and your GF.

James

[blondguy]

Hi Tryhard

Thanks for writing back, you are doing everything you can right now and good on you too. Some GP's can be a pain and you are spot on there. If I can qualify my earlier reply.......I had 4 GP's flounder and even suggest that I had a leaking exhaust as a reason to my anxiety back in the early '80's To say it was a pain would be an understatement. I hear you loud and clear.

I was lucky to have found a crackerjack GP a few years later that understood what anxiety disorder actually was. This does take some time. I think you are a kind and super supportive guy to be caring the way you do about your girlfriend.

James has made an excellent point that your health comes first. You are doing everything you can right now but unless you care for your own health first, your ability to be such a good carer will be effected.

If you have any questions whether specific or general please go ahead and ask away. It would be great if we could be of help to you.

My Best

Paul