Walking on eggshells with ex-partner with anxiety, depression and OCD

[need_help_please]

hi can anyone help me I so confused - my now ex partner has sever anxiety, depression and ocd. its got to the point where he hates me every other day and I don't know what I have done wrong. im walking on egg shells and I have no idea what to do or say. Thing sused to be great but I think he band aided his problems until he was comfortable. The conversation was great he treated me a princess, but the cracks started to appear. he did go to the dr as he knew he had a problem I was so relieved as I thought he would get some support and possibly be put on medication. he went once and didn't go back and there was no medication given.

He keeps pushing me away, almost once a month he tells me he needs a few weeks alone time to get his issues sorted this has been ongoing. he goes into a complete slump. he hates the world and does not want to be around people - he tells me everything im doing is wrong or he will come and check to see if im doing it to his standards.

I cant cook in peace with out him saying its wrong, I wash up dishes wrong, I work out wrong, I do the shopping wrong, my hair colour is wrong, my makeup is wrong and I look like a witch, my body is not how it should be and I should be more fit (ive lost 16kgs in the last 10 months buy living a healthy lifestyle).

I cant touch the windows in his car without him getting upset, I cant leave a screen door open without getting told off, I dress up and he laughs at me. He wont look at me when were intimate and the lights have to be off and I have to undress my self. I cant talk about friends, and I cant post anything on social media without getting a backlash.

He has a child who cops the same treatment to the point where I feel guilty and say something then im the bad person.

I just need to know is this common in people with mental illness or is it just me. I feel so worthless and I think that maybe it is just me.

it it common to push everyone away and why do they push people away.

any advice would be great.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi need help please,

Mental illness can take its toll on people in lots of different ways - some people may not have any difficulties communicating, others may withdraw while others may lash out. To the person with the illness, their way of coping is the only way that they know how. Often when people get frustrated, they are often frustrated at themselves or the situation they are in instead. Reasons why might not always be clear. I know because I got screamed at once for putting the shoes in the wrong basket. It wasn't logical, but to them - it made sense. Often, being frustrated at silly things can represent a lack of control. Especially here with the OCD - the obsessive behaviours can often represent or mimic a need to feel in control. The intention behind what's going on might not always be clear straightaway either - that's often the tricky thing about mental illness. Sometimes the person might not even know why.

With all that being said though, it's not fair for you to be disrespected in this way. Being told that everything you are doing is 'wrong' can be abusive, stressful and draining. Are you living with your ex? Do you spend a lot of time with him?

You said that he went to the Doctors once but didn't go back. Was he only interested in medication? Often the approach of Doctors can very slightly, so some may want to try therapy first - while others may want to try medication first. You said that he has severe anxiety, depression and OCD. This can quite a combination to work with - so it's possible that they may wanted to see the impact of each condition and what condition was more prominent (is the anxiety making the OCD worse - which came first). It might help to talk to him about what his concerns are and encourage him to try again. Having someone take in a holistic approach can also be helpful - so taking into account not just his symptoms and behaviour but also his family history, work/study and home environment. In my experience no two doctors and no two therapists have ever been the same.

[Carmela]

Hi and welcome to Beyondblue. I am sorry you are struggling with your ex partner.

In answer to your question - 'is it common to push everyone away' - yes many do and certainly my husband did who had depression. I cannot speak for OCD, but l know from what l have experienced and researched, the suffer will push away the people that care for them most. Do not take it personally. Their internal fight is a tough one and its 24/7. You won't have the answers nor can you fix it. Simply being there and letting them know you care, is all you can do.

Please remember as well, that his words are not a reflection of your care and support. His world is clouded, and he may not see how you are trying to help. The scrutinising of your actions by him can also occur with mental illness. My husband also did this and l would walk away. I knew in my heart it was the depression and not his true self.

Can you provide some insight as to when your partner's mental illness occurred? Was there a trigger/event as you have mentioned that 'he used to be great'.

It is important that he seeks help from his GP. Are you able to gently question him as to why he didn't go back? I am concerned his current behaviour will continue if he does not seek help.

I hope l have helped in some way. Let us know how you are going.

Carmela

[A2D2]

Firstly, a big cyber hug.

I don't have a solution for you but I can tell you that what you are experiencing is a normal reaction to the way you are being treated.

I can see you have made allowances for his illness and are trying to be supportive.

I expect his anxiety over his own issues is manifesting in the need to control everything around him and that, unfortunately, includes you and his child.

I have been in a similar situation and eventually, had to leave for my own well-being and that of my child.

I don't want to sound dismissive of your problem, I know how real it is. But I am also concerned about the impact this is having on his child. This will affect the way the child relates to others for the rest of it's life and may send the child along the same path as the father. Is the other parent aware? Are you able to say anything?

My reasoning is twofold. Firstly, the impact on the child but also that, being removed from the situation and in a position of power (ie. the possibility of altering access to the child), might enable the other parent to get him to take action to address the issues.

Please hold fast to the fact that you are doing things right. No-one can be wrong all the time, regardless of what is repeated to them. You are a good person in a difficult situation. Perhaps see a GP or counsellor yourself so that you can get an independent perspective.

Most important, look after yourself. If you don't, you won't be of any use to anyone else. And you are the only you that you have.

[need_help_please]

thankyou for your advice. The child was removed from mother so no access to mother. He is a great child, smart funny, very respectful but when he is around his dad he is fearful. he keeps to himself in his room but even then he is always told how bad he is at things. I feel guilty as I see its slowly destroying his soul.

I spoke to ex and raised issues about the treatment he gave me and his son. he made out like there was no problem, I told him he needs to seek help and he told me don't tell him what to do and he knows what he needs to do. I asked him what he thinks he needs to do he replied "you don't need to worry about that" its my business. I told him a few things that hurt me and he said he didn't know what I was talking about and im only making it up. I cried.

[need_help_please]

hi Carmela,

He told me he was a big thinker at the start, and I though everyone is at some point in their life.

so many things trigger him off, a bread clip triggered a melt down the other day, my book being on the dash board of his car, his son not brushing his teeth for a specific amount of time, me looking after my sister on a life support device, a tv show caused him to break up with me at one stage (I wasn't even in the house when he had a melt down over it). feeding fish is a trigger, me washing up, its even at the point where summer is coming up and he had a go at me and said our relationship wont work if I don't sit at the beach all day and get a tan as that's what he likes. im not sure what doesn't trigger him off. he went to seek help but did not ask for medication as he thinks he doesn't need it.

[Carmela]

Hi, it seems from your reply that you are truly walking on egg shells with him. If this is normal behaviour for him, you will need to make some decisions on whether you can keep sustaining this lifestyle and he not taking responsibility for his actions and words.

He does need to seek help, otherwise, l fear that nothing will change except your mental health and it's deterioration over time. The circumstances are particularly troubling as a child is involved and being affected by it. Can you reach out to family or friends for respite and support? Does your partner have a friend who can talk to him about his behaviour at all?

[need_help_please]

hi,

unfortunately he has no family, he refuses to speak to his family as they are alcholics. he has very limited friends as he told me he doesn't want to be around people. he is an only child.

[Carmela]

Hi and thanks for responding back. In my previous reply, l was wondering if you have any support or can seek respite. Your partner has made decisions to isolate himself, but that doesn't have to be your decision for your life.

It is important that you have an avenue to share your feelings with someone. GP, family, friends, online or face to face support groups - you need to build up your self-esteem and make your feelings a priority. If he is not willing to understand or acknowledge your feelings, I feel nothing will change and you will suffer the consequences.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi needhelpplease,

Thank you for posting back to us and I hope that you are doing okay.

I hear that it's such a struggle for you to be in this position and I imagine that it must be very exhausting and frustrating. Unfortunately though, you cannot force people to get help - only encourage them. When you spoke to him and he said 'don't worry' and that you were 'making it up' - this sounds like a defence. It shows me that at the moment he's not interested or ready to try and change his behaviour, as isn't considering how it's affecting you or his son. Do you know if he's interested in wanting to get some help?

Is he working or studying right now? Perhaps they might be able to provide an avenue of support.

COPMI (Children of Parents with Mental Illness) might also be a resource worth checking out if you are interested. It might help for his son to try to understand what's going on with his dad, and that what's happening isn't his fault. http://www.copmi.net.au/

I hope that this is of some help. I know that it's such a hard position to be in, but it sounds like you've done everything you can. Sometimes just 'being there' (even if it's with boundaries) can be very helpful.