Autism parenting is hard.

[Miss_Hysteria]

I can't quite believe I'm posting here but I really don't know where to go.

I'm married, three kids, one of those has autism. I'm burnt out. I'm crying all the time, I'm snappy. I can't feel happy or any kind of joy. We have no support from our families and I feel like I'm drowning. I don't even feel like myself. There's no fun or spontaneity. All I am is the woman who is stuck home because her child screams all the time. I'm just so tired.

[Simona]

For the first time I actually feel like amongst people who understand and it's like being able to exhale.

I love my 10 year old son very much also but I have switched myself off emotionally about 2 years ago.  It's not that I am cold hearted.  I just can't afford to feel anything partly because 1. I'm scared of losing control and hurting him and 2. He behaves in such a way that I'm left confused/reeling/gutted.   He can be so loving and then speak to me in such a way that I feel my heart is being carved out with an apple corer.

I have great difficulty feeling anything - even empathy.  My uncle died recently and I cried some then when back to feeling nothing which scares me.   Because there are good days/happy times when I want to feel but I can't.

He wakes me up at 3am for the nail clippers but I'm up and down every 2 hrs or so anyway. It's not like I can take sleeping tablets because I feel I'm still on duty.  

I have two other children - a girl 8, a boy 16.    It's so difficult catering to all their different personalities.  Taking them out together is often a hit and miss.  Partner plays a backseat role and is not involved because it's too stressful for him which makes me feel like I'm losing my mind.   I have nothing to look forward to except surviving another week. 

[Simona]

The holidays are more like boot camp for me.  I try my best to wear him out - he's a total live wire and climbs roof tops if bored or goes around breaking things into as many pieces as he can.   Today we were at the pool - like yesterday.  Water fun always wears him out and he sleeps really solid.   

He has an appointment in early January with his new psychologist and his 1st psychiatrist appoint is in Feb.   Gosh it feels so far away.  I have asked but there are no support groups in my town for parents like me.   That saddens me no end because I feel so acutely alone in my small town.

Everyone is great at telling me how naughty my child's been, how he said this/done that (he has pulled a very  scary stunt with a knife).  I have no women friendships. I get glared at and these people don't even know who I am and what it's really like to be me.

I hope to God that one-day my son will be a stable law abiding person who treats others with respect and I hope that I may survive these testing years with my sanity intact because it's so damn hard

He was on camp this year and do you think I could muster a smile?  I was distraught and lost.  The house was too quiet. I cried for him and partner said to go out and give myself a break.   But I just crumpled up and couldn't eat.   I'm lost unto myself - that is the truth

[Perfectly Scattered]

You are certainly not alone. It is hard to deal with special needs day in- day out. My 9yr old has severe OCD, Anxiety, Sensory Processing Disorder, ADHD-Inattentive type and we are about to get results for ASD. This year has been my hardest year to deal with. Most of those diagnosis are from this year because he emotionally broke down at the beginning of the year when he moved to the primary end of his school and I went back to work- too many changes in a short period of time. The advice to find a support group is what saved me- I was heading towards needing medication and had began seeing my sons psychologist because I felt like I was loosing grip on my life. The psychologist helped but the support group was what made me feel I was truely not alone. I hope you are in a better headspace now- I realise you posted on the 7th of December- I just joined up to this tonight. Sending hugs your way and thinking of you tonight x