Partner with Depression.

[Gemma_S]

Hi,

 My boyfriend has previously seen a psychologist and been on medication for depression throughout his high school years, however he decided to stop taking his medication during this time. Now, five years later we are in a one-year relationship, and it seems to be that he is depressed again.

For the past month, he has been quite low, and has an extremely short fuse with me. Which is starting to take its toll on the relationship. He does not want to do anything, and he has admitted he is the only person who can help himself.

 I am wondering what the next best step is for me to support him, I can only take so much of the frustration and anger he puts towards me. Whilst I do not think he needs to go on medication, I do believe he needs to talk to someone, to learn to control his emotions and how to feel better about himself. I understand that it is best to leave him be and he has to decide what is best for himself, so I have decided I will just do my own thing for the next week or so. I am starting to feel that I need to take a stand to ensure he does not keep treating me unfairly, however if I left the relationship without really trying I would kick myself.

Any insight would be amazing!

Thank you.

[Guest_1055]

Dear Gemma

I just read your post here, I cannot offer you any advice, but maybe someone else on the forums can. Is it alright if I just give you a welcoming hug and tell you that I care about you. I know there is information on this site, that you can download, on supporting people you love.... Maybe that would shed some light to you.

Hugs to you Gemma

Shelley xxx

[Lori]

Hi Gemma.S

Welcome to the Beyondblue forums!

I am very sorry to hear about what your partner is experiencing and what it is doing to your relationship, it can be really hard to support someone who is suffering from such a horrible illness. It is great to hear that he once was seeing a Psychologist and was taking medication, also great knowing it helped. 

My first thought would be that for him to go see his GP and see about going back on the same medication that once helped before, but if you feel that he shouldn't then i absolutely agree about speaking to someone again, it can be so helpful which i'm sure he already knows.. 

Also have you told him how you are feeling about it all ? While watching out for him be sure to look after yourself also, let him know your thoughts on what to do and what you are feeling. It's true that he can help himself alot more than what others can but it's always great to have that extra support. 

Be there for him as much as you can but please look after yourself, there is plenty of help out there for him and i hope that he finds the one that helps him best and that he can push forward to overcome it all again. 

 Goodluck with everything, you are doing a really great job by supporting him and reaching out for help and options for him, he is definitely lucky to have you. Please keep in touch.

- Lori 🙂

[pipsy]

Hi Gemma.  I feel your bf should be taking some sort of med till he is able to sort out what's causing the depression.  Having said that, however it is his decision.  He is right that he is the only person who can help him.  I think you're too emotionally close to be objective.  He needs to talk to someone who can give him some practical suggestions.  If he 'lashes' out at a counsellor (for lack of another word) the counsellor won't take it personally.  When he lashes out at you, you take it personally.  That is no reflection on you, it's just that, because you're in a relationship, it hurts when he's cruel.  He probably doesn't mean the horrible things he says, but, unfortunately, he can't take them back.  He can keep apologizing, but after a while, the apology means nothing.  I would gently suggest he talks to a counsellor.  If he refuses, perhaps you could suggest (again gently) that you give him some space till he's in a better frame of mind.  If he sees you mean what you say, he might get some help.  You don't have to 'end things', but suggesting you 'back off' might just be the catalyst he needs to get some help. 

Sometimes we have to be 'cruel to be kind'.  I hope it doesn't come to that.

[Alley1994]

Hey Gemma, 

Thank you so much for sharing. Your story is similar to mine. 

I do find that if you can't find nice things to do together outdoors within nature it can help. Going to the beach or for a walk somewhere a bit different really helps us to bond and get some energy out in a positive way. 

When it comes to the short fuse, I again know how this feels. I don't have a solution but I know when I tell my boyfriend how much it hurts me it does get through to him. If I get angry back it goes no where. When he says something that's nasty or snappy it can help to gently point out the thing he just said that was hurtful. He might not act immediately sorry but this will sink in later therefor, hopefully making him think a bit more carefully. 

I hope this makes sense (I'm on here searching for answers, in a bit of a blur) and helps in some way! Xxx