Any advice? My husband has depression and anxiety.

[Pinkcandyfloss]

Hi everyone this is my first time posting, I am hoping this may be a good place for advice and maybe a chance for me to vent as well

My husband was diagnosed with depression and anxiety as a teenager. He only takes half a tablet but this hasn't been reviewed for many years. I suggested it may be a good idea to check dosage but he gets defensive. I just wanted to help. I don't ask for much help because I know that he gets overwhelmed very easily but I have asked him to start spending more time with the kids to bond. I feel like he really distances himself from us sometimes and also has an alcohol problem, just wants to be on his phone or computer and drink to relax after work and always says how overwhelmed he feels. He recently found out that his liver isn't functioning properly so he started to cut back in the last few weeks. Last week he was fantastic! We were laughing, playful and I felt like things were finally getting better, then the weekend hit and this week has been a total 180! he is completely uninterested in any physical contact (including sex although this has been a problem for a while) and there is a total emotional disconnect. If I bring up how I am feeling about something he gets defensive. I try to give him space but after 8 years I kind of want some of my needs met too as selfish as that sounds. The kids and I are going away so he will have the whole week to himself next week which I Thought would be good for him, he said it sucks and he will miss us. I am so confused and feel totally rejected at the moment. I feel incredibly blessed with the life we have but he's always looking at the future and what we don't have yet and turns it negative. I can't talk to him about any problems anymore because I am walking on egg shells. If I mention anything about him drinking he will get angry and can say hurtful words. It's always turned back on me and I am blamed which always has me questioning what am I doing wrong? He has admitted to me that he only says them because he knows that's where it hurts the most. One minute he is the fun playful caring man I first met then the next I'm being completely ignored or blamed for something. I know he loves us, just want him to be happy.

Sorry for for the large novel. I was just hoping to maybe hear from anyone in a similar boat with advice to help me help him. Or maybe somehow try to understand more about what he is feeling so I am able to support him without building any resentment.

Thanks xxx

[Pinkcandyfloss]

Sorry for the really late reply. As you know the kids and I went away for the week. It's good to see that once you had the appropriate help you could see/feel a difference. I guess you had to break that cycle to see the difference and allow yourself the help??

I'm not sure if the week away has Done anything. He was really disappointed when I told him we were spending an extra day like he wanted us to come home. Once we were at home he was still more inferested in doing what he wanted So I'm confused that he says one thing and his actions reflect another. Some adult conversation would be really nice!

[Cornstarch]

I suppose what keeps you afloat is hope.

My Mum has schizophrenia and there is no hope. This is our life now.

It's really interesting watching families caring for people with Depression and Anxiety because it is hope that keeps them sane.

For us we have to face the grief.

Maybe this is just a bad patch and it will yo-yo for weeks, months or years and then full recovery. Who knows.

What was really tough for me to read in your original post was:

He has admitted to me that he only says them because he knows that's where it hurts the most

That kills me.

With my background, I am sorry, I can't respect that.

Good luck anyway xxxxx

[raelee]

I find myself in a similar situation to you. Walking on eggshells feeling hurt and confused. Trying so hard yet always failing, not sure where to turn. It's breaking my heart to be honest to see how many people have similar stories. I wish I had advice for you wishing you well xx

[Winterfell]

Everyones situation is different but i will tell you some of my story and how we have come though the other side.

My husband had depression before we met 13 years ago but went off antidepressants when we got together as his depression was largely reactive to being in an unhappy housing and life situation. we had many happy years then about 2 years ago he started to get more introverted and socially anxious, he also hated his job but felt trapped due to supporting a young family and he had chronic pain from shoulder injuries. He was started on some meds which worked for a bit then stopped working. Over the next 18 months he became gradually more negative and sensitive. At times his meds would change and he would have a boost but it would go down again. He also regularly saw a psychologist.

Earlier this year he became more and more irritable, fragile, angry until it all came to a head and he no longer wanted to fight it and thought we would all be better off without him. He had suicidal thoughts and was admitted to a clinic for a month. He was very irritable, unable to deal with any demands, very prone to feeling despair and generally in a bad place. Our relationship was in disarray as he had no room for loving me, no room for affection and almost everything I said or did he interpreted as being a criticism or failing on his part. It was exhausting.

I realised that earlier this year although he had being going to work, going to the gym, not had changes to weight or sleep that he had actually been really depressed, he is just a type A high functioning guy who pushed until he was totally burnt out and a shell. He has stopped work and we are adjusting our lifestyle as its not worth it. He has had a good team of psychiatrist and psychologist looking after him and after medication changes is on a combination that is really helping, we are going really well at the moment.

What helped was

*reading advice on how to be supportive and helpful, not telling him what to do or how to fix things. Encouraging him and giving validation. Writing him a note or a card to say how I loved him and believed we would get through this

*unconditional regard - accepting this was the depression, not him, that he didn't choose it or ask for it and that he was fighting as best he could. Realising he didn't mean to be angry and irritable that it was part of his type of depression.

*getting angry at the depression not at my husband, to help with this I purposely looked at pictures and remembered happy and romantic times together

*seeing a relationship counsellor - it gave a safe space to talk about the changes in our life and an outside perspective

* looking after myself - this was a tough one and is often mentioned here for very good reason. We cannot control the depression, we can control giving ourselves nice moments and time doing things we enjoy. this is a must - you need to do things that make you happy and not look for happiness from your husband at the moment.

*coming on here to vent and get support, talking to my girlfriends and my mum, giving myself as much support as I could while he wasnt capable.

He has improved so much that our life is going back to normal, well maybe better than normal as he is no longer in a high stress job and is looking after the kids being a stay at home dad.

I hope this may help in some way and I really hope he wants to get help, its much easier I think when your partner is ready to accept that things arent right and need to change.