advice of helping friend with (possibly) Borderline Personality Disorder

catch22 · ‎08-08-2016

Hi all -

Although my friend was also a romantic partner, for the past 2 years we've been in and out of the relationship, which went from being wonderful to absolutely toxic. Not having informed myself at the time, i didnt have the tools or strategies to work through these episodes with her, and therefore tried to argue her moods swings, false accusations, doubts of our care for each other, etc. Big mistake! After having read a lot about BDP, i suspect she is suffering from this as she definitely shows signs (from the infamous 9), thankfully not self-harming or suicidal.

I care for this person dearly even though i know that the relationship between us cannot continue this way, as it must be painful for her and it definitely has taken its toll on me also. we haven't spoken in a while since the last rage.

My question is that i fear that to date, with all her visits to psychologists (4 different ones in the last 8 months), she may not have had discussions about BDP, since she has told me most of them mention anxiety and mild depression to her. she has never made mention of BDP at all. The question then also remains, would a BDP sufferer explain all the episodes with her psychiatrist, for him/her to be able to assess properly ?!?

She has not involved me with her friends or family, and therefore my only option is unsolicited contact with them.

I feel like i should be providing some information on the episodes and my experience with her as her partner, since i think this could go a long way to possibly helping her in the end. I'm not suggesting my diagnosis is correct, but the symptoms listed are definitely what i've experienced with her.

Keen to hear other similar experiences, and whether i should simply stay out of it or get my experience heard to her family/friends/psychiatrists - with the only objective to make BDP a possible cause of her behavior that should be looked into at least, and could possibly lead her to a recovery path.

Thank you

JessF · ‎09-08-2016

Hello catch22, my thoughts are that you should leave diagnosing a mental health issue, especially a serious one like BPD, to the professionals. We are not professionals here, and it would be unhelpful to play guessing games based on second hand reports and what you have read on the internet.

It sounds like underneath it all that you would like her to get some help for the struggles she is experiencing, because her behaviour towards you has made your relationship unworkable. Whether or not she seeks help from a professional is not within your control, but how you decide to manage your relationship with her is.

Have you done everything possible to resolve your conflicts? Is a relationship that is constantly marked by "toxic" conflicts something that you want to have in your life? The fact that you have been in an on-off relationship for two years and have not had any contact with her friends and family is more of a red flag for me than a possible mental health issue. It suggests that she doesn't want to integrate you into the rest of her life, which is a pretty essential part of a healthy romantic relationship.

My suggestion is that instead of fixing on trying to get her diagnosed with a mental health issue, you focus on yourself and what you want going forward.

Starwolf · ‎09-08-2016

Hi Catch22,

If your friend has kept you at arm length by shutting you off from her family and friends, it means that she would resent your interference with her therapy. Even if deceitful/delusional, it is HER choice of approach. It is a psych's job to determine what she suffers from and see through the way she presents herself and her issues.

You are the one who matters here, so please take care of yourself. Do you need this toxic relationship in your life ? You are obviously a caring, compassionate person. You deserve a committed relationship that works both ways. When commitment is one-sided, the situation becomes unbalanced and bound for failure. Perhaps it is time to turn the page and start a new chapter, more likely to have a happier ending.

james1 · ‎09-08-2016

Hi catch22,

I am sorry to hear about your situation and how your friend is going. I wanted to let you know that, as someone exhibiting BPD symptoms, I really appreciate your concern for your friend.

My psychologist is working with me to reduce my BPD symptoms and I think Jess has given you very sound advice.

BPD is only a label given to a family of symptoms so treatment is focussed on reducing the symptoms, not curing BPD. Your friend may or may not tell her psychologist everything but that's a choice she makes, not a choice she's forced to make by BPD, or even a choice you make. What she does is entirely up to her.

I realise it may sound a bit harsh, but the best thing for you is to focus on yourself and not expect anything back. If you want to love her, freely love her but it's her choice whether to return that or not. If you want to support her, it sounds like you've already done your bit by offering, but it's her choice whether to accept that offer or not.

From my own experience working with my psychologist on all the little facets of BPD, I prefer to keep the "fixing" with the psychologist rather than with my friends. It is super overwhelming at times and I get really confused and overwhelmed when multiple people are telling me what to do and what I have. My preference is just that my friends listen when I need to, otherwise just include me in their outings.

I hope that helps. I'd love to hear your thoughts - it sounds like you're really struggling as well.

James

catch22 · ‎09-08-2016

Thanks heaps for the replies. They all make complete sense. Part of me was thinking this way also, but i wanted to make sure i wasn't missing a way i could be of help to her which others might have experienced. I am definitely not making the assumption that my thoughts are a diagnosis, however there are definitely symptoms of BDP. I was struggling until i did a lot of reading on BDP. Not easy to have someone you care about show and tell you they love/appreciate/respect you one day, and despise you the next; and disassociate. I've been able to see that it has nothing to do with me, which is what i was doubting at one point; so i'm ok with it all now. My reaching out to the group was more about her, but your insights are correct. Other than offering my help, in the end it is her decision to chose what to do, or not do. For a little while there i was torn between showing her my support or leaving it all together on a last sour note. I chose not to do the latter since i felt that it would only reinforce & falsely validate the abandonment fears, so i've expressed my care and my availability for her if/when she needs support; and left it at that. Thanks again guys. Great to know you can get experiences and advice from others that are or have been in similar situations...

james1 · ‎09-08-2016

Hi catch22,

Great to hear from you again - thanks for the reply and I'm glad to hear you're going to look out for yourself. You sound like a really clear-minded person and that is really admirable.

Perhaps I can leave this one bit of "insight" from the perspective of someone who does the "splitting" and "dissociation" you have read about, to help clear some of the doubts you described:

Stability is what I need, whether in a relationship or out of one. Unfortunately, whatever you say or do could be misinterpreted, so by offering your support and leaving it at that, you at least avoid being labelled as "evil". This is actually helpful for your partner because then she will feel safe in having that stable image of you as supportive and good.

I wouldn't recommend checking in if you can help it, because it stops your own healing and could break that image I described, but like the others have said, I think it comes down to what you want going forward.

You both need space right now: you to get out of this toxic relationship, and her to get a grip on her symptoms.

James