Advice needed - Please ....

[Neil_1]

Dear friends  

I don’t know how to write this – I’ve been thinking on how to do this in the best way – you know, without giving away too much information – um, that’s not making sense.  I’ll try this.

Last year we (my partner and I) knew that our son had self harmed.  Not good as you know, self-harming can lead to life-time memories/scars.  I’ve run this by Beyond Blue and I’m not allowed to mention the where’s and how’s for what he did – but just to say that it’s highly concerning for us.  The school called us and we were able to speak with him – after some time, we found out that he was doing this because he had friends who were in really bad places and were considering the ‘s’ word.  That really shook him up, as he is a deeply caring boy.  

Fast forward to last Tuesday – we were called to his school (a new school by the way) – he was found by some other boys self-harming again.  The same kind of self harm that he was doing last year, only last week, it was a lot more. We met up with the head teacher and also our son (he’s 16yo by the way) – he had bandages where he had self harmed.  

We were both in shock about this – and had no idea that he was doing this – and apparently he’s been doing it for some time (like months and months) and he’s just been very good at hiding it.  The clever little bugga!   Only he's not so little anymore - he's about my height now.

So this was the post I was going to send last week, when Maresy was saying she thought there was something up with me, and I told her back that she has amazing intuition.   But I decided not too, until now – and I do this now, because he’s done it again today! 

He's bandaged again and I’m just gutted!   We’re beside ourselves with worry – he is unable, or won’t tell us why he’s doing this.  There is no anger at all, there is nothing but love and support in this family – he’s told us it’s not what prompted it last year for him.  He has said there’s nothing wrong at his school and that that’s all fine.  

He has said that it’s nothing to do with his home/family life.  (Wow, it sounds like he talks a lot, but that’s not the case – we just gently ask questions and he’ll just say, ‘no it’s not that’.)  

We’re now trying to go through different things for what it might be – because there is something there for him that’s really terrible (he’s suggested as such) but he cannot tell us.  I’ve told him similar stories that I’ve responded to on this site, and where if the person keeps things to themselves, the situation will only get worse.  

He’s been to see a counselor and also a GP - but again, that is something that is in strictest confidence and that nothing said there can be known by us.  

This is ripping us up inside and at the moment, I’m injured in legs and in arms, so cannot go to the gym for my workout sessions – so with everything else that is affecting me mentally, this new thing has just swept over everything else and is like a ‘news alert’ a siren with flashing lights attached and is dominating my mind terribly.  

I know we cannot force him to tell us – and my partner has tried to be with him to see if he’d open up, but all to no avail.  I have tried on a couple of occasions – in fact, only just half an hour ago and I was met with – “I just don’t want to talk about it”. 

I have my own psychologist appointment this Thursday – hey can you guess what might be on the Agenda for that session?

I don’t know what to do.  I really feel helpless.    Any thoughts/suggestions would be so welcome. 

Neil

[white knight]

Neil, my arms are open, reaching you to you and your partner.

Your post reads to me that he could be part of a pact, a bunch of kids that are getting together toying/experimenting with this...?...plan/ploy.

Are there any other friends of his that you could visit to ask their parent for some clues?  I'm at a loss...if he has no inner family issues then what could it be?

 family trip to the beach (day off school) lunch somewhere on the beach and he might open up.  Is he at driving age (learners?) if not a direction to get his learners.  Diversion?

Good luck with this. Whatever you do its going to have to be in the immediate future.

[Jo3]

Dear Neil

My heart goes out to you and your partner.  From reading your posts last week I had a feeling that something wasn't right.

This is so difficult.  I agree with White Knight in maybe going out for the day with your son and see if he opens up and even chatting with his friends parents.

Neil, I am stuck to know what to say to you. But just know that I am thinking of you and your partner and hope and pray that your son will be okay.  

Sending you a big hug, pls keep us updated,

Pls take care

Jo

[Bridge]

hi neil

i dont have kids so i feel silly even replying to you!

(really i just wanted to send you a big ehug, and the rest of your family too.)

but on reflection,  I guess just being around and open to conversation is all you can do- just give him a forum to speak in if he wants to use it. you cant force him to talk.  At least then you can feel that you have given it a red hot shot, which might help you at least.  It certainly sounds like you are doing everything you can.

the ideas of jo and WK sound like good ones to me- might be a good start.

Good luck

Bridge

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Neil,

I wish I had some good advice for you, my friend.

I have five kids of my own and although I have faced trials with them, some more than others, nothing like what your boy is going through.

Wishing I could do more.

Kind regards, John.

[Stuck14]

Neil, my heart broke when I read this. I am so very sorry that you an your family are experiencing this. It's horrible. I guess I just wanted to write from the other side of the fence, as someone who has (and still does to a lesser degree)  self harm. It's a difficult situation. An alot of what I'm going to say your probably already doing, so sorry in advance. 

For me, when my parents found out I wanted space, not to be questioned about why an that is frustrating for both sides. You because you want to help him an make the pain stop, but it's quite possible that he may not be able to articulate what it is that has led to this behaviour. There is also alot of shame and fear around self harm, especially for the person that is experiencing it. It is something to hide an.not be spoken about, it's your personal pain an it's so isolating, even with love and support (I guess, I didn't have either). Fear can be in two forms, one of accidentally going "too far" and two, the fear of having it taken away from you. You might think it sounds silly, and I'm speaking from personal experience, but the worst thing you could do is take away the self harm. At the moment, that's a coping strategy keeping him afloat, but it might also be a comfort too. Something that allows him to escape the pain, if only for a moment an where time can stand still, in that moment you feel the ability to breathe for the first time. Also that overwhelming sense of numbness or emotional pain is now something physical and real. The pain is something that can be "felt" an "seen" even if only for yourself. It releases that pressure that's built and allows you to keep functioning. 

Yet, at the same time you just want to be loved. All I ever wanted was to be told I was loved and cared for and supported no matter what an just hugged, held tight. To feel safe and secure. That would have gone along way, for me anyway. 

As long as he knows all this, which I believe he does than just being there and available for him when he is ready is all you can do, coz the more you prod, the more he might hold back. It's gotta be when.he is ready an not a moment sooner. It's possibly also of slight relief an terror that he knows you both an others know. The secret itself can be quite toxic. 

I'm sorry if none of this makes any sense, an I'm not sure if the moderators will edit it or not. I guess I was hoping to give you some insight into possibly what he might be experiencing. If you have an questions, just ask. 

Again, I'm just so sorry that your all having to go through this. I just hope that he gets through this sooner rather than later. Wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

Sending you much support an many hugs.

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

You know I read this post earlier today and had to go away and think what to say in response. Coz, without going into detail,  I have been in his position. I've hidden the marks. To this day I have those scars. 

Why I am not sure what to say is not because of my previous history, I am at peace with that. I am unsure because my family were not the loving environment you provide, so my reaction was to release the pain inside in other ways. I also remember being a teenager, and even if I had loving parents such as you, I still wouldn't tell everything. It is just a thing at that age. 

So I can't really say anymore than what others have said. Try to distract him and give him opportunities to open up, but don't pressure him. Acceptthat he may not open up to you - but he mah open up to a friends, a friends parents or counsellor. Get him back along to see the gp and or counsellor if it helps, even he can't say why. Even in my teenage years, I had two friends who knew about my ...habits. they didn't themselves but they were there for me when I would say that I was feeling bad and wanted to do things. 

The pain will out, and in time you will know why. For now, as bad as it is, all you can do is give him opportunities, and watch for the signs you would know all to well in yourself that he might do something  more drastic. 

I feel for you, I really do Neil. I wish I had better advice to give. Being the lovely people you are is really the best thing you can do for him. He will tell someone, or work through whatever it is. If he has any of the strength that you possess, he will get through this.

GA

[geoff]

dear Neil, my friend, this is such a worrying situation for you and your partner, and I'm sure that the both of you have been wondering why the hell this is this happening, and I wish in all my honest sincerity that I could be there with you.

Unfortunately it is so hard for our kids to open up to their parents, and I also mean with partners, so they never seem to want us to know, just like my sons went through a short period of smoking bongs, and at first I was horrified, they don't now and haven't for a long time, but this was kept a secret, just the same as your son self harming, maybe they worry about their curfew or entitlements being cut down, or restricted.

Oh boy it's such a concern, and I could give you a list of maybe why, but I'm sure that the both of you have considered every angle, but I'm not too sure if he is going to mention why to either of you at the present time.

Now Neil I am going to mention one idea, and I know that you won't be upset by what I say, anyway I have to say it, and I really don't want you to lose faith in me when I say it.

At his age of 16 years old the hormones are so powerful, so that he maybe wondering about his own sexuality, sorry, because I really care for you and what you have done on the site.

My youngest son had become anorexic when my wife and I were having trouble and also when we were sleeping apart, probably a year before our divorce, so I wanted him to see my psychologist who I had seen for 20 years, he also got on well with her, but after a couple of visits he didn't explain to her why, and this is because he thought that the psych and I would have spoken about it, but she wouldn't tell me anything.

So maybe if you send him to a psych it should be a new person.

My heart goes out to the both of you and your son, and I do hope that you keep this post going, because at the moment it's very important for us to support you this time. Geoff.

[Guest_3712]

Hi Neil,

unfortunately like some others here I have personal experience with this.

I was a very troubled teenager and this was a release of sorts for me. it is very hard to rationalize / explain.

What I do know is I would never tell any adults why.

The fact that your son seems to be doing this in a group may mean its not his own personal issue and I would also try and find out if any of the other parents can help with the why ( discreetly of course)

I would also approach the counsellor or GP and while they have to keep your son's confidence they may be able to alleviate your concerns a bit as to what his triggers may be , and what you may be able to do.

You are doing all the right things and while I know this isn't much consolation when faced with such a  scary situation keep on providing the love, support and open lines of communication.

Your instinct to protect him is natural and finding that fine line without suffocating them is hard. I also think some diversion tactics as suggested would be a good idea.

Good luck Neil and

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[Neil_1]

Firstly DEAR ALL,

This is too important to play off with just one response to a global all and your posts have been so fantastic to read, so I'm delivering an individual to each - hope you don't mind.

Having said that I might tip White Knight and Jo together:

Dear White Knight;

From all indications we've seen and know, he is the only one doing this.  There isn't any group thing involved (and you know as sick as this sounds, I would have hoped there'd be others - it might have made more sense - but yeah, I know I shouldn't have said that, but why is it just our son?).  So no group issue there.

He's been such a recluse for a long period of time now - so we barely see him;  he gets home and goes to his room and there he stays for sooooo long - he has tv, and internet and he chats to people on line.  He's a great kid - he knows right from wrong and he's got a great set of morale standards.

And thanx for mentioning because yes, he's on his "L" plates - I've even done the old country dad thing (hence me being born on a farm and I could drive very early on as it's just a farm thing) - but yeah, I've taken him out to the back blocks where there's some roads and next to no cars and had him driving a little, learning.  Wow, I hope CrashCoyote isn't reading this!  🙂  Although he be an ex policeman now, so that should be all good.  So yeah, he's on his L's and has a little go at driving.  Very early days yet, but signs are good so far.

Dear Jo

Again, thank you for your response, when you've got so many things on your plate at the moment.  But then, I guess so many of us do - we just push those things to the side of the plate and take on something else - just to keep our minds occupied, eh?

And on your other thread, you mentioned about our daughter - and more different the two could be is just amazing - she's out with us all the time, either doing her own thing or doing something with us - so we see her all the time and chat away, etc.  But they are both their own people and that's great.

One thing my partner did tell me last night was that a work colleague went through something similar and it was strongly suggested to her to NOT forget the other sibling and to be very careful with things for her - I think it was probably a good thing to say, but hells bells, there'd be no way I'd ever forget my daughter.

Neil