Advice needed - Please ....

[Neil_1]

Dear friends  

I don’t know how to write this – I’ve been thinking on how to do this in the best way – you know, without giving away too much information – um, that’s not making sense.  I’ll try this.

Last year we (my partner and I) knew that our son had self harmed.  Not good as you know, self-harming can lead to life-time memories/scars.  I’ve run this by Beyond Blue and I’m not allowed to mention the where’s and how’s for what he did – but just to say that it’s highly concerning for us.  The school called us and we were able to speak with him – after some time, we found out that he was doing this because he had friends who were in really bad places and were considering the ‘s’ word.  That really shook him up, as he is a deeply caring boy.  

Fast forward to last Tuesday – we were called to his school (a new school by the way) – he was found by some other boys self-harming again.  The same kind of self harm that he was doing last year, only last week, it was a lot more. We met up with the head teacher and also our son (he’s 16yo by the way) – he had bandages where he had self harmed.  

We were both in shock about this – and had no idea that he was doing this – and apparently he’s been doing it for some time (like months and months) and he’s just been very good at hiding it.  The clever little bugga!   Only he's not so little anymore - he's about my height now.

So this was the post I was going to send last week, when Maresy was saying she thought there was something up with me, and I told her back that she has amazing intuition.   But I decided not too, until now – and I do this now, because he’s done it again today! 

He's bandaged again and I’m just gutted!   We’re beside ourselves with worry – he is unable, or won’t tell us why he’s doing this.  There is no anger at all, there is nothing but love and support in this family – he’s told us it’s not what prompted it last year for him.  He has said there’s nothing wrong at his school and that that’s all fine.  

He has said that it’s nothing to do with his home/family life.  (Wow, it sounds like he talks a lot, but that’s not the case – we just gently ask questions and he’ll just say, ‘no it’s not that’.)  

We’re now trying to go through different things for what it might be – because there is something there for him that’s really terrible (he’s suggested as such) but he cannot tell us.  I’ve told him similar stories that I’ve responded to on this site, and where if the person keeps things to themselves, the situation will only get worse.  

He’s been to see a counselor and also a GP - but again, that is something that is in strictest confidence and that nothing said there can be known by us.  

This is ripping us up inside and at the moment, I’m injured in legs and in arms, so cannot go to the gym for my workout sessions – so with everything else that is affecting me mentally, this new thing has just swept over everything else and is like a ‘news alert’ a siren with flashing lights attached and is dominating my mind terribly.  

I know we cannot force him to tell us – and my partner has tried to be with him to see if he’d open up, but all to no avail.  I have tried on a couple of occasions – in fact, only just half an hour ago and I was met with – “I just don’t want to talk about it”. 

I have my own psychologist appointment this Thursday – hey can you guess what might be on the Agenda for that session?

I don’t know what to do.  I really feel helpless.    Any thoughts/suggestions would be so welcome. 

Neil

[Neil_1]

To John and Bridge,

Thank you so much for your posts and support.

And yes, Bridge, we have always been of the opinion that our home is open for one and all (within our family of course - as you probably know, I'm not good when it comes to outsiders/visitors, etc) but open and OPEN in communication.  We have always expressed that, from the word go, so they could always feel or at least hopefully feel comfortable in coming to either of us to talk about things.

So of late, we've been going to his room - knocking first of course - and just being there for him if he wants, but he usually doesn't want.  But when something bad happens, he will come out and give the biggest strongest hugs imaginable - I'm ok with that sort of thing, but I think he might break some ribs in my partner if he did the same thing.  But that's so great.  But yeah, it's a worry.

You know, both my kids know I suffer from depression, etc.  I remember my daughter being fine with it - but I strongly remember my son seeming to take it differently.  So me being me, I cannot help to wonder if for some reason these turn of events are somehow related to me.  I don't know.

Neil

[Neil_1]

Dear Shay

Whoa - thank you so much for your post - you're dealing with your devils every second of every minute and you took the time out to post.  Thank you.  It means so much to me.

In a morbid kind of way this is possibly why I've posted this - because I just had this suspicion that some of the wonderful people on here would have gelled with what my son is doing, because they may have done it as well - and out of that, I was hoping for responses (which I've received) as to what they think and yeah, I'm rambling again.

I feel quite overwhelmed actually.

Shay, your post made complete sense - and we've also heard that as well with what you said about prodding will only make them withdraw further, but also to not take away the things that he's using to self harm.  Having said that last week, I asked him if he had any more, and he said 'yes'.  Last night I asked the same thing and he said, 'no, i don't have any more now'.  I guess all we can do is to believe him.

Last week, his teacher said to him, that you must show your parents when you get home - so they can see (the teacher is extremely nice and said it in a really positive fashion) but no, he never showed us.

I've said to him on a couple of occasions of late, that there's nothing he could ever say or DO that will change the way we feel about him.  In fact as each day goes by we love him more and more.  I always go and sit by my daughter as well and tell her that - and both children respond with massive hugs.  So they know and they understand.

The thing that troubles me is that he KNOWS he's got a loving family and that we're 100% supportive - so there's the question - why is he doing it?  But am I being really dumb here - as in, why do I have depression?

I don't know.  And Shay, these questions aren't for you or really anyone, I'm just thinking out loud.

Neil

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

Thank you also for your wonderful post - I do have a burning question for you.  You said, you used to self harm and you say you're now at peace with that.  Is that at peace with the marks left or the reasons that you self harmed.

Now this is a question for yourself, Shay, Stressless and others who have self harmed like this when you were younger - how long did it last for and was there a particular turning point that made you think, 'ok, I don't need to do this anymore?"

To dear Stressless;

Also, thank you so much for your wonderful reply.  Again a question for you:  (I really sound like an L plate parent, don't i) - I've been on my "L"s for 16 years.  I might progress to P's in another 16 years time!  By which time, I'll be a complete basket case.

Ess-Elle, you said that no way would you ever tell your parents.  "What if" your parents 'he-man' and 'she-ra', dad and mum extraordinaire of the suburbs and there'd be nothing you could possibly say or do that would affect their love for you?  You knew that deep down that if you came forward and told them, they'd offer you nothing but support and love.  Would you still not tell them?

Dear Geoff

Dear friend, nothing you would ever say could upset me so always feel free to post your thoughts - they are always so much appreciated.  Our son isn't one for eating much and he's probably at a very low level of body fat - not saying he's anoxeric or anything, but just saying.

From all intents and purposes, we "think" he's got a girlfriend, but it may not be that serious - he went on a recent camp - an overnighter and he came back in great spirits and even mentioned about how many friends he has at this school.  That was so pleasing to hear.

One item of kind of news flash here:   from what my partner was able to find out last night was that yesterday's occurrance was bought about apparently by some awful words that were spoken to him by 'other kids' who knew of his actions of last week.  Teasing kinds of things.   Now that makes my blood boil - makes me wanna be the alpha dog and go and protect him in a way I know how - but in this society we can't do that.

Neil

[geoff]

dear Neil, my friend, thanks for replying to each of us individually, a mammoth effort by yourself, and sometimes we would dearly love to be there with you, but at this point of time it may not be appropriate for you, in which case I fully understand, because if we were with you, it could be just dominating your own thoughts, and then clouding any decision.

Sometimes when kids come back from a camp they can say 'how many friends they have at school', which could mean that to himself he maybe trying to convince himself that he has no enemies there, and what this means is that he is trying to believe that he won't be picked on by any of his 'mates'.

It really is a false belief that he trying to talk himself into, but now it's back-fired, but the best part is that he has started to open up or give an indication of why he has hurt himself.

Take care my friend. Geoff.

[Neil_1]

Yeah, I just mentioned the camp thing for some reason, but I'm not sure why.

We actually got him out of a 'large' camp thing from his school from last year - it was a 10-night thing away in the wilderness, somewhere up in the mountains of Victoria.  I've spoken to mates, who used to go to that school and they had to do that - and the thing they most likened it to was aspects from the book, "Lord of the Flies".  Hmmm, just great for developing young men!  Not!    Anyway, we wrote to the Principal and we were able to get him out of doing that.

Anyway, that's not it - my thoughts are just wandering.  It's the fact that he's been doing this for a long time is one of the big things here.  So there's something that's troubling him and I honestly don't think it's school related.  So I'm at a loss as to what it could be.

Neil

[Guest_3712]

Hi Neil,

You ask what if my parents were "dad and mum extraordinaire of the suburbs" and I was secure in their love for me " would I have told them.

Wow! I had to think about that because obviously this was not the case.

Ok the only way I can answer this is if my kids had ever had this sort of problem I would of course, like you, been a/ devastated, b/ upset and confused but ultimately nothing would have mattered except that they knew they could come to me.

Given my history I have always tried to keep the lines of communication open and no topic is off limits.  My children do not know my history as I have fierce need to protect them and not pollute their mind with the ugliness of my past

( my psych doesn't agree with this he thinks I should tell them at some point )

I guess like a lot of us that have gone through and done certain things we are super sensitive to the same issues with our kids. I would still try and suss out the councillor for some guide as to what you can be doing.

I think it was GA that said even if with the best parents in the world its the age thing a lot of the time that stops our kids confiding in us. Feelings like shame,  fear, frustration , confusion etc are all magnified a thousand fold when you are a teenager.

Shay got it right. her post was so insightful and spot on and it actually brought back a lot of the feelings I had way back when. Whew ! all good but I wonder why I pay a shrink the big bucks when you guys on here are worth so much more.

sorry Neil lost the plot a bit here. be assured you are doing all the right things. Be alert to changes , keep trying to communicate but not push, distraction techniques , lots of love and impulsive hugs and kisses go a long way. Also good reminder to not overlook daughter's needs too.

sorry if I made it more confusing

be kind to yourself friend

Stressless 

[Stuck14]

Neil, how are YOU going??

Please make sure that you are taking care of yourself too ok! You need to look after.yourself so that you can be there for your kids an partner.

This is a response to your question and please remember that each person is different, it's a case by case scenario an this is just my personal experience.

 I wish that I could tell you that I had a moment of clarity an I realised that that survival technique was no longer needed, but it would do you no good to lie. I first started self harming when I was 13, an it is still something I struggle with on a daily basis at the age of 27. Over the years I have had longish periods of time when the urges where not so overwhelming that I couldn't help but not to act on the need to hurt myself, but the thoughts are always there. The times when I would self harm would last month's, every day, maybe several times a day. I required.surgery a couple of times, but when the surgeons realised it was self inflicted, they refused. This has left me quite disfigured an unable to wear clothes that expose those areas. You, (and I know you are) need to fight for him in whatever way you can. This is something that has really affected me, not feeling worth fighting for. But like I said, you are probably already doing this.

How's your daughter going? Is she aware of the situation? Are your son an daughter close?

 An try not to get him to make any promises as if he feels he can't keep them, it may be another catalyst for self harming. I hope that your son doesn't have have any lasting reminders of this when he is older as it can really hold you back. Just a thought, an I might be out of line, maybe he doesn't want to tell you out of protection for you. You said that he is aware of your depression and where your at, and DON'T take this the.wrong way please, this is NOT YOUR FAULT! So please,  no blaming yourself ok, but maybe him being the thoughtful loving an caring young man that he is, he doesn't want to cause you anymore stress, distress or pain by "burdening" you with his pain an that by relieving this may cause it for you. An I know you would never see it that way, but it's a possibility at the least. 

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

By my statement that I am at piece with it, I am at piece with my scars, I am at peace that it was a coping mechanism and I accept that at the time it was all I knew how to deal with. I am not at peace with the issues behind it. I am working through them, but it is a long and complicated mess of difficult to swallow issues.

I am at peace with history more than anything because I know I can't go back and change it. So if an interaction is going to last longer than 30 seconds or I will have further contact with someone and they ask, I will tell them the truth. They can either handle it or they can't. If they can't I don't need them around me. If it is just a cashier at a checkout that I am about to leave and never see again, I'll dodge the subject or say I volunteer at an animal shelter. The lie doesn't hurt me because they don't really mean anything to me.

I used to say that after a long two years of this in high school, there came a night where I survived something, not by flawed method or healing abilities, but because I said no to that particular darkness. It wasn't a magic pill, the next night was just as bad. But I thought to myself, if I said no last night , I can say it again. And so on and so forth. It turned into days between dark thoughts, then weeks, then months. Looking back I decided I didnt want to be that person I was becoming. I didnt like that person. So I chose to be different.

It helped at the time that my parents separated shortly after, so  pressure was off a little without dad there all the time. 2 years ago, I thought if I could just do that again, decide that again, I could save myself. But I couldn't replicate it. Looking back now, I question whether I truly did decide that, or I just buried that person for as long as I could forget her.

Now, she won't be forgotten. She refuses. Now, my task is to deal with her, with the need for self harm and pain outside to equalise the inside. Now, I have to go through every thing I buried back then, and properly fix it, not just bury it for 7 years from now, like a poisonous time capsule.

Have I self harmed since my teenage years? Yes.

Have I felt the urge? A thousand times more than I have actually gone through with creating more scars.

Have there been times, even this past week when I felt that urge? Yes.

Will I recieve an email about this post from the moderators about this reply? Probably yes.

But this is the honest truth. I don't know if it helps. But this has been my honest experience and thoughts.  I hope you don't think less of me for this.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Just a quick post to say I have responded, just waiting on mod approval. 

Hope you are doing OK and thinking of you today, Neil. 

GA

[KiwiDave]

Hi Neil

I really just wanted to send you out a huge e-hug and to let you know to hang in there!

I'm 25, with no kids, and I've suffered from severe depression since around the age of 16. While I never self harmed, I took the other route to turned to drugs to try to fix my problems. It may not be the same thing, but if it wasn't for my Dad just keeping at me from day 1 I honestly don't know if I'd be here today. 

All of those times he would bug me with questions like "Whats up?", "Everything alright?" I would hate it and would refuse to answer - but in hindsight it was those times where all I wanted was for him to leave me alone that I realized that someone really cared and that gave me the power to push through and continue on. 

Tell him from me that there is nothing to be scared of from sharing, it's the hardest thing in the world to do, hell, before I could admit to my parents that I did drugs and was in debt I think I spent about three days in bed crying because I was so embarrassed about it! It's not going to be easy, but you *will* get through it! 

Please keep doing what you're doing, just from reading your posts you're an amazing caring father, and any son would be lucky to call you their Dad.

Hang in there Neil!

Regards

Dave