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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Lamb123 Friend possibly has schizophrenia
  • replies: 1

Hi, I've been trying to help a friend who I am pretty sure has schizophrenia. She has been showing symptoms (as far as I know) for about a year. She started off with a delusion that a man from a quite famous rock band was in love with her and writing... View more

Hi, I've been trying to help a friend who I am pretty sure has schizophrenia. She has been showing symptoms (as far as I know) for about a year. She started off with a delusion that a man from a quite famous rock band was in love with her and writing songs about her, this then progressed to him stalking her, and now he's apparently a murderer. There's a whole lot more things that she's been saying, but I'll try to keep this brief. Around a year ago now I contacted her parents as I was very concerned about her. She came back from the city to stay with them for a while and I assumed that they would try to get her some help. Unfortunately this never happened. They ended up paying for her to move back to the city and now she is worse than ever. She has been posting things about this man online and her delusion has now started to include a girl we went to school with. She has posted things online about this girl being a prostitute, etc, and I have heard through friends that this girl is considering reporting my friend to the police. I contacted her parents again recently, but I still don't think they are getting her any help. I think they are either in denial about how bad she is, or they are really clueless as to how to access help at all. They seemed annoyed when I contacted them, so I don't feel that I can do anything else. My friend knows that I talked to them and now she has ostracised me completely. She even hacked her dad's email and sent me a really nasty message pretending to be him. I feel really "crazy" thinking about the whole thing. It has really done my head in. Sadly, I can now see why people end up losing friends over illnesses like this. The things she has done and said are hurtful and at times it has been scary. I think I have to forget about it, but I really really wanted to help. If her parents don't get her help then what chance does she really have? What options do they have if she can't recognise that she is ill? I know that a lot of people with schizophrenia have a lack of insight and are unable to recognise that they have an illness. Assuming that she is one of these people, how would her parents get her help if she can't authorise it? I've heard that she would either have to be or harm to herself or another person for this to happen. Feeling very depressed/sad/alone and frustrated at the system

Neil_1 Talking to friends or rellies about our illness
  • replies: 18

Hi there There’s been so many people who have posted about these issues before, how they are an issue for them. And this is to be able to talk to rellies or friends about your mental health – your illness. Rellies: As many of you may know, I’m not mu... View more

Hi there There’s been so many people who have posted about these issues before, how they are an issue for them. And this is to be able to talk to rellies or friends about your mental health – your illness. Rellies: As many of you may know, I’m not much of a talker (or I get really worked up when I have to talk – even stressed out yesterday waiting to see my Doc) and as a result of this I positively detest the telephone. So for my brother, I’ll get on and do up an email and give him a pretty good blow by blow account of how things have been lately, etc. To this though, he generally leaves it a day and then responds by phone. I hear the phone ring of an evening, and knowing it’s the day after I’ve emailed, it just has to be him – so I let it through to the answering machine. To have temporary relief. What I should do is to pick it up and speak – but I can’t do that. So I worry and stress for the next 24 hours, knowing that I have to call the next evening and speak. And I did this just the other evening – and we talked and spoke about things, different things with his work, my work, his farm, our upcoming holiday; their holiday to the same place a year ago, my injuries – then he said, “but how are you going otherwise?” And I told him, “Not good – in fact really badly actually – hence a couple of recent Dr’s appointments to help me”. And he said, “Oh, wow that’s no good – but gee, you sound pretty good to talk too”. Now that’s the thing isn’t it people – you can’t really display how you feel via voice – because that’s why it takes me so long to phone him, cause I have to literally psych myself up to a level where when I speak, it’ll come across ok. Then after the call, it’s like you are a balloon being deflated and you just melt down into a chair and say, “thank goodness that’s over”. Friends: Was thinking the other day that someone asks you how you are? Now you don’t have to say this, but I feel I have too a lot of the time. “Not bad thanx”. My thought is you can’t tell them, no, I’m absolutely low as anything and terrible. Because if they ask you the next day or the next time you see them and you say the same thing, this is the belief isn’t it, where if we keep giving out our true feelings to friends, they’ll simply switch off and move on. Cause they don’t want to be around people who aren’t happy or are of a negative mind-set. Thoughts on any of the above? Neil

molksy How do we get help for our Mother / friend when CAT refuses to tell us what is going on?
  • replies: 2

My best friend and his two adult daughters have been having problems with their mother "P" who is also my close friend. Things are so bad that she has effectively driven them all away with multiple arguments, insistence on others aplogising to her wh... View more

My best friend and his two adult daughters have been having problems with their mother "P" who is also my close friend. Things are so bad that she has effectively driven them all away with multiple arguments, insistence on others aplogising to her when it is very clear that she is at fault, crying uncontrollably, babbling on at a million miles an hour, unable to complete simple tasks, lying about just about anything, blaming her family and friends for things that she herself has in fact done or said, spending large sums of money (approx $10,000) on items that she believes will set her up in a business. P has pretty much told everyone that my mate is to blame for everything this "poisoning" of his character has made it virtually impossible for him to get a sympathetic hearing with authorities, doctors, assessment teams etc. His youngest daughter "J" has had to take this all on herself (older daughter is unable to cope with the stress). So J called the mental health triage service and finally convinced them to talk to P. The lady who called P detected she was "very elevated" and agreed to send someone over to assess her. That was last Wednesday - since that time all phone calls to the CAT team have been unanswered, messages have been left multiple times but no-one from CAT has called back. We have all tried talking to P to ask her what the result of this assessment was but she changes her story so we have no idea what is happening. Why will these CAT people NOT do this family the simple courtesy of calling them and telling them what is going on? It is absolutely unacceptable for them to be treated in this way and I am bloody angry about how pathetic this service has been. The delays and the deceit and the lack of contact have served to ramp up the stress and anxiety for all involved. Can someone PLEASE help us to get P the help she so desperately needs? I know that CAT teams are underfunded and I get that with no small children involved and no overt threats of harm, P's case is probably a lower priority - BUT that does not make this situation any less distressing for everyone. If we give up on CAT (rapidly looking like a lost cause), how can we get P to a hospital where she can be treated and assessed? Her GP is completely incompetent and refuses to talk to anyone in the family other than P herself. Thanks in advance to anyone that can provide some useful advice. Dave

Mother_Bear Very worried Mother/Grandmother
  • replies: 5

My eldest daughter (C1) has suffered from depression, anxiety and BPD since 15yo and is now 20 with a 9 month old baby (C2). We've found our worst nightmare coming true as her relationship with the father has broken down and now so has her mind and m... View more

My eldest daughter (C1) has suffered from depression, anxiety and BPD since 15yo and is now 20 with a 9 month old baby (C2). We've found our worst nightmare coming true as her relationship with the father has broken down and now so has her mind and mental health. My daughter and grandson moved back home with us about 3 months ago and for a while seemed to be going OK. We have been noticing her lack of patience and general anger/frustration with C2, which is enough of a concern but now she tells us that she feels like ending her life. C1 was supposed to start a new anti-depressant 3 weeks ago but thought she was fine and has ended up in a downward sprial since. When she visited her GP today, they wanted to admit her to hospital but she refused. Not only do I feel sick with concern for the wellbeing and future of both of them, I'm also very frustrated as C1 hasn't taken meds as prescribed, pushed us into a corner to babysit C2 (she was going out come hell or highwater and if we didn't look after C2 she was going to give him to her extremelyuseless ex partner who is incapable of looking after anyone including himself) and has proved to be really irresponsible with money, meaning we are continually coming to her rescue financially. I think that years of psych visits, self harm, hospital admittances,suicide attempts has taken it's toll on my hubby and I. We are both so stressed and strung out and devastated, we don't know where to turn or how to handle anything at the moment. I feel like we need to watch C1 full time for signs of suicide and to be sure that she's doing the right thing with C2 - Bless him, he's such a happy baby who doesn't deserve to have a miserable and grumpy mother. For the past 3 weeks, i've hardly been able to talk to anyone without dissolving into tears, can't get to sleep coz all I want to do is cry and can't concentrate on anything at work. I feel so very sorry for others who have probably dealt with far worse situtations and can only imagine their pain. I'm off to my 1st counselling session next week but I'm petrified for the future - for our whole family, as I can't see how C1 can become a fully functioning, self reliant and self funding person, and I feel like our whole lives revolve around her and her moods.Sorry this is so long but there is still so much left unsaid.......beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Kaz7777 Partners PTSD anxiety depression
  • replies: 1

There would be far too much to write this all down, though I'm at my wits end. I don't know how much more I can forgive of my partner. When is is 'up' he is excellent, so loving and perfect and happy. Then it comes crashing down with episodes of him ... View more

There would be far too much to write this all down, though I'm at my wits end. I don't know how much more I can forgive of my partner. When is is 'up' he is excellent, so loving and perfect and happy. Then it comes crashing down with episodes of him yelling, smashing things and physically hurting me. He has medication but as yet not taken it or gone to the pushy sessions he is meant to. I give it my all to keep him happy but now I'm growing resentful. If I bring up something I am 'nagging' him. When is drinks heavily he is a horrible person, even to the point he drove off and left me in the middle of the night. He used to threaten to kill himself though this has stopped. Currently we are in a typical 'down' stage involving me being in trouble for pretty much anything, and we therefore have not spoken for days. If we do it's him telling me off for something - using the last of the butter, making a phone call without telling him first, etc. the sad part is I get to breKing point and have abused him twice during these down points. Not happy about it but I was crying out for attention. I also name call I don't know why,I am just desperate to get him to see the hurt he is causing. There's always a reason his life is harder then mine, he plays the victim card telling me all the stresses he has weighing on him. Like he thinks mine is a walk in the park. i am made to feel guilty for everything I do and he has me believing it's all my fault. I don't know what to do.

CrashCoyote They aren't all good days, but today was a good day..........
  • replies: 6

Dear friends on this site, Many of you know that I would have trouble finding a way to complicate my life further. My eldest son is struggling with dope and alcohol addiction, my youngest daughter has barely been in my life for the last four years, t... View more

Dear friends on this site, Many of you know that I would have trouble finding a way to complicate my life further. My eldest son is struggling with dope and alcohol addiction, my youngest daughter has barely been in my life for the last four years, the only woman I have ever truly loved (I didn't even know what true loved looked like until we started seeing each other seven years ago) dumped me six months ago after struggling with her own anxiety demons all this time, I retired early from my lifetime career and passion as a police officer due to numerous injuries (physical and PTSD) and every day I think about my eight week old daughter, lost to sudden infant death syndrome sixteen years ago. Oh, yeah, and I drink too much and too often. And it was a good day, why? I took my son adult son out for dinner and we talked about his addictions and how our strategies to combat them are going. It is hard for both of us, him to live through it and me to watch as he tries to decide the things that will dictate how much of hell he has to see in his future. Afterwards we watched a movie together and arranged to see each other next weekend. My belief is that I did a little bit more today to support him. Yesterday my estranged fourteen year old daughter texted me and asked if we could meet up for a while and today we spent an hour and a half together. A bit awkward for both of us, we know so little about each other now, but soon fell into talking of common interests over hot chocolate. My relationship with her is better than it was yesterday. I had a lovely lunch yesterday with a lady I met on a dating site and she said she'd like to see me again. A few others are chatting to me by email and that is all going well. I didn't spend all day pining for my ex. Today my prospects for a relationship look better than yesterday. I had a late night last night and today remembered that I don't miss shift work or risking my neck every day for work. I have more time to see loved ones now that I'm retired. Today not being a policeman looks better than it did yesterday. I spent some time remembering the happy times I had with my daughter in the eight weeks she was alive rather than focusing on losing her. Today I smiled when I thought of her when yesterday I would have cried. Oh, yeah, and today I didn't drink alcohol. "Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me." Carol Burnett. Thank you for reading this. Tell me if you had a good day. Kind regards, John.

Harriet95 Boyfriend is Denying His Depression?
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone and thank you for clicking on my question. I desperately need advice. My boyfriend has been showing all of the signs of depression for a few months now, he seems to be so down in the dumps all the time, I don't see him smile much anymore,... View more

Hi everyone and thank you for clicking on my question. I desperately need advice. My boyfriend has been showing all of the signs of depression for a few months now, he seems to be so down in the dumps all the time, I don't see him smile much anymore, he always comes home from work feeling bad and when I ask him whats wrong, he says that he just has a head ache or hes tired but i know him well enough to know that hes down. He tells me he has a "head ache" basically every day and its so frustrating that he wont just tell me he feels down. The only time I see him smile is when hes around his friends, which makes me feel crap because I'm just trying everything I can to make him happy but I cant. I asked him how come I cant make him happy but his friends can and he told me that he's faking it around his friends. I just want him to confess that hes unhappy so we can get him help but you cant help someone who doesn't want help. Its really frustrating and starting to bring me down with him and I feel like any day I'm just going to snap because I feel so frustrated that nothing I do helps. I'm so lost and I dont know how to help him. please give me advice. I'm desperate. Thank you

Confused21 Don't know what to do
  • replies: 1

I got back with my boyfriend in January, we broke up for a few reasons but one was his anger. He recently started seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist to deal with his anger and depression. He has slowly been getting worse with his depression and c... View more

I got back with my boyfriend in January, we broke up for a few reasons but one was his anger. He recently started seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist to deal with his anger and depression. He has slowly been getting worse with his depression and confessed to me that he lied to both myself and the doctors that he has stopped having suicidal thoughts because he doesn't want them to be documented, he has attempted suicide 9 times before and I guess the term would be failed attempts even though I don't like to think of it like that. He has also been hearing two voices in his head telling him to do things, another reason for the doctors while his anger has been getting better I believe his depression has been getting worse and has even asked the doctors to up his dose. The last few days all he can say is that he doesn't know what is going on his head, it's getting to the point where he doesn't feel anything, nothing positive, he is still able to have the anger emotion. It's getting to the point where I am starting to feel like I can do nothing, I have dealt with depression myself, I was in a bad case of depression when we first started dating and about October-November I started experiencing it again with the stress that we were under. I don't know what to do, he has high self destructive tendencies but still maintains that he wants to be with me even though he does things that would make me want to break up with him because he doesn't think about it until after. I've started to feel sad again and feel like crying on and off, I just don't know how to keep being supportive without breaking down myself.

thegrassisgreener My boyfriend is struggling
  • replies: 1

Hi. This is my first time posting on here. I'm worried about my boyfriend. He has struggled with anxiety and depression most of his adult life i think. He is 29 now. Lately his depression has become a lot worse. I've also had my battles with anxiety ... View more

Hi. This is my first time posting on here. I'm worried about my boyfriend. He has struggled with anxiety and depression most of his adult life i think. He is 29 now. Lately his depression has become a lot worse. I've also had my battles with anxiety and depression, so I can relate, but not to the level that he is at. He feels that he is a failure to everyone. The way he sees his life and what's happening around him is completely off. I'm very supportive and I try and come up with strategies to help, but I can see that he doesn't think they will help. He's been saying he will go see a psychologist but he just can't get himself to do it. How can I help? I want to do more but I don't want to smother him or look like I'm taking over. I'm very worried that he is going to get to a point where he is so exhausted and just wants to give up. I love him more than anything. Any thoughts or suggestions?

Silverlining DEALING WITH MY HUSBAND'S DEPRESSION / ALCOHOL USE - GETTING IT OFF MY CHEST
  • replies: 9

It's breaking my heart. My husband of 33 years has depression. He has isolated himself so much from me. I feel I should have recognised it so much earlier and I feel terrible guilt about that. We have seen his GP who has been great, done sessions wit... View more

It's breaking my heart. My husband of 33 years has depression. He has isolated himself so much from me. I feel I should have recognised it so much earlier and I feel terrible guilt about that. We have seen his GP who has been great, done sessions with the psych (maybe not so successful), he's on medication but his drinking is getting worse. We have been able to talk pretty well through it all but I feel like he's withdrawing more and is putting a lot of pressure on himself to act normal. He has spoken to the kids, (16, 18 and 21 ) and family and immediate friends and work which has been a big step but lately I feel like he has put himself under so much pressure not to blow up at home and work (particularly where the kids are involved) that it's creating even more difficulty for him. We have talked about his drinking and I have managed to get him to agree to see his doctor again to discuss what can be done. We have talked about him giving up completely but I am concerned how this will affect his depression. I know they go hand in hand as does he but he just needs to have some control. He's just so sad so often. I feel like I've lost the man I fell in love with and I don't know how to help him come back. Sometimes I feel so inadequate and other times I feel like I must be depressed too because all I can do is let him know I'm here and give him space when he needs it and talk when he wants to but he's not there for me. Sounds so selfish but at this point that's how I feel. I want to have a laugh again with the man who used to make me so happy. I want to be intimate with him again. Well, I know he wants it too but I guess I feel I just needed to say what I want and I can do that here and he doesn't need to feel any pressure from me. Thanks for listening.