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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Coping_with_husband How do I support my husband suffering depression?
  • replies: 1

Hi my husband has just been diagnosed with depression / anxiety and he has completely shut down and won't talk to me. I have been able to get him to docs and he has started medication and has app with phsyciatrist but in the meantime I don't know how... View more

Hi my husband has just been diagnosed with depression / anxiety and he has completely shut down and won't talk to me. I have been able to get him to docs and he has started medication and has app with phsyciatrist but in the meantime I don't know how to deal with him. I'm 7 mths pregnant and also have a 2 yr old and am having trouble coping emotionally as it is, I have to be strong as he already feels he is a burden on everyone but it's so hard. He is having paranoid thoughts and just stares off in to space for most of the day it's really affecting our 2 yr olds behavior and she is really playing up which is stressing us both even further, do I just leave him to be in his own little world or do I confront him regularly and try get him talking? I'm afraid this stress is going to affect our unborn child too I had post natal depression with my 2 yr old and am worried that with all this stress it may come back with baby number 2?

Ladybell AVOIDANT DISORDER
  • replies: 1

I am in a 5 year long distance relationship with someone who we have now discovered is depressed and has avoidant disorder. In the beginning everything was great, our relationship was next to perfect, we saw each other every other wkend, spent all fr... View more

I am in a 5 year long distance relationship with someone who we have now discovered is depressed and has avoidant disorder. In the beginning everything was great, our relationship was next to perfect, we saw each other every other wkend, spent all free time together. 1 year ago my daughter moved into his home to finish her university and now our world has fallen apart. He's a 50 yr old man who has lived on his own. Cannot handle 22 yr old step-daughter in house with him. Retreats to his room, has become depressed and has gone out and signed up for therapy. In the meantime he has asked me for time and space. says he still loved me, is in love with me, and is attracted to me, but has now cut off almost all communication with me. Cant answer any questions I ask, avoids avoids avoids. But when I do see him I can see how sad he is, he shows me a little affection, but if I'm around too long, more than a couple of days he retreats again. To the point he will try and sleep on the far end of the bed with his pillow all cinched up. I NEED HELP !!! Will therapy help him ? Will he come back to me ?? He cannot even answer a simple question as to whether or not I should come over, wants me to decide, doesn't matter. Before he couldn't get enough of me. He has read all about avoidant personality and he agrees its him to a ''tee''. I just do not know what to do, do I coddle him and love him and support him or do I let him slip away ? Will he come back to me and be the person I initially fell in love with, this new person is like Jeykle and Hyde. Anyone who is a spouse/partner of an avoidant please let me know if he will pull out of this.. please let me know if when he doesn't answer to see me should I stay away ? Please let me know if I should continue to text/phone him... I am lost and love him sooo much

Pablopaints New member, partner of bipolar sufferer.
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, I have done some reading on the forums, read some stories from members and wanted to introduce myself and my reason for being here. i am the partner of a beautiful lady who I have loved dearly for over 3 years who sadly suffers from bipo... View more

Hi everyone, I have done some reading on the forums, read some stories from members and wanted to introduce myself and my reason for being here. i am the partner of a beautiful lady who I have loved dearly for over 3 years who sadly suffers from bipolar disorder. when we met I was told by her she was a sufferer of this horrible illness and had a brief understanding of the condition before entering into the relationship. I have no regrets to this day falling in love with my lady, she makes me a better person even though it can be very hard dealing with the constant highs and lows, medication changes and hospital admissions and general stress. Last year she was admitted 8 times for stays as long as 5 weeks. I do what I can for her, caring for her children without any help from her family, is like now I'm here they can step away and it's on me now which makes me very sad at times. i wish we could find the right mix of meds and treatment option so her condition would settle for at least a few months, it's just seems such a constant flow of high low, manic etc that's all normal life had ended. I no longer can work due to being her full time carer which makes things tough, but I will not give up on her as the love we share is everything. i am at the point of asking maybe its time to get another doctor to advise on what to do next, we just don't seem to be getting anywhere, is always just switch this and that, change this..stop that etc but it never gets much better for long anyway. is there any new treatments? What has worked for others? I am determined to stay with my lady, she deserves more than life gives her and I hope that with my support and love we can get some quality of life in the future. This illness is in need of so much more research and treatment. this has been a long journey for her and I am only 3 years in but not prepared to give up.

Lucy1234 Boyfriend with depression
  • replies: 6

Hi, so I've been in a relationship with my partner for a few months now. Things were really good the first few months, he used to love cuddles, talking, would even just come to see me to give me a hug, we used to talk every night. I noticed once in a... View more

Hi, so I've been in a relationship with my partner for a few months now. Things were really good the first few months, he used to love cuddles, talking, would even just come to see me to give me a hug, we used to talk every night. I noticed once in a while something wasn't right, it was like his emotions were gone, but then he was fine it would just be a day. But then he seemed to be always tired, always getting sick, he still has something either a flu or a strained ankle, infected nail, it's just never ending. He got quite sick for two weeks, he didn't want me to come visit, then it would be like I'll see u tonight but then he was sick or he promised to spend time with one of his parents. I hadn't seen him for a week. Then I did, but it was more like we were friends and I had initiate to have a hug. This continued he was sick and it's just the same stuff again. So we went from seeing each other three times a week to once every two weeks. I knew something wasn't right so I told him I really needed to talk, he asked why and I just said I have to tell u in person. He saw me, he said he got worried something bad had happened. I told him how I've noticed a change in his behaviour. He told me he feels numb and feels like he needs to be alone to find inner peace and be comfortable with himself but it's nothing to do with me. I told him that I'm there for him and he needs to reach out and talk to people. He said a few years ago he saw a psychiatrist that told him to be comfortable by himself and he was only on antidepressants for a bit because it was additive. He said that he can't talk to strangers but I've got the most out of him that night. It's been a week now where he only texts me, he won't talk to me on the phone, our anniversary was missed because he said he made a promise to spend time with his mum, his excuse every night is that he falls asleep because he's on string painkillers. He said he doesn't know how he feels or what he wants. He can't answer any questions about our relationship. I don't know what to do, I love him but I don't know if this will ever improve. i worry about our relationship and if it will ever go back to the way it was. He doesn't want to see me or know when he wants to, i feel like he's pushing me further away. he even said that his mum has been to the psychiatrist and was told to be positive and be comfortable by yourself. So now he feels like he needs to be alone. But where does that leave me? Did he ever love me?

Stronger_together_forever I need help helping others understand what we are going through
  • replies: 2

Hi, My name is Clare and partner has been recently (about a month ago) diagnosed with 'global' depression and anxiaty. He is seeking help and is on the right path We have told his family what was going on and they are really supportive but yesterday ... View more

Hi, My name is Clare and partner has been recently (about a month ago) diagnosed with 'global' depression and anxiaty. He is seeking help and is on the right path We have told his family what was going on and they are really supportive but yesterday I told my family, my dad was amazing but my mum was not and now thinks that I'm going to be waisting my life 'looking after' my partner. I know this is not the case but I can't seem to explain it to her. I have given her the caring for the carers book and dad even suggested that she go and see her (our) GP who knows whats going on but she won't listen. Has anyone got any advise on what else I can do to help my mum understand? I'm so upset as my mum means the world to me and I want her to understand.

1963 help for 19yo
  • replies: 1

My 19yo daughter has recently developed [over past month] panic attacks which has been morphing into what can be quite severe social anxiety at times. We have been to the GP & got the mental health plan but have to wait over a month to see a psycholo... View more

My 19yo daughter has recently developed [over past month] panic attacks which has been morphing into what can be quite severe social anxiety at times. We have been to the GP & got the mental health plan but have to wait over a month to see a psychologist.Meanwhile, her life is going to pot. Her university year is about to implode in her face, the only way she can attend classes is if we drive her & cajole her to go in. She finds interaction in groups extremely difficult, when we had our extended family Easter get-together, she couldnt even leave her room. She works in a busy retail outlet, used to love it, but has been unable to return to normal hours yet. Her boyfriend finds her to be a different person, he's struggling with it all, so that area of her life is not good as well. She needs to see someone NOW & learn some techniques which will help her in anxious situations, not wait another 4-6 weeks for a counsellor who may or may not be any good. Her GP doesnt seem very mental health savvy.Does anyone have any suggestions? I dont want her whole work, study & personal life wrecked by this treatable condition.

DebbieQ can you help a depressed ex who seems resistant to help?
  • replies: 0

my depressed ex left me in sept13 after 7 years and living together for 2. I am currently living alone but moving out of our flat in a mth while he is living with his mum. He says he loves me but finds relationship too stressful. He says things start... View more

my depressed ex left me in sept13 after 7 years and living together for 2. I am currently living alone but moving out of our flat in a mth while he is living with his mum. He says he loves me but finds relationship too stressful. He says things started to get on top of him xmas 12 & escalated with him going to doctors in june13 and signing off work.our relationship was still fine at that stage althiugh he got anxious at the weddings we were due to attend. he always had social anxiety but was always gd with me&his immediate family/friends. In fact I think I was only person he was completely comfortable with.our rship wasnt perfect but we were both each other's only real love&we still love each other. except he only says it under duress .things hit breaking point in aug when after numerous doctor visits he was finally prescribed anti-d-s in sept, changed to another in Jan.the day he read/started the first prescription he cried manically as he realised the symptoms he had been feeling for years. he wouldn't be affectionate with me from that day onwards&our physical relationship died. He had been planning to propose to me that month for my 30th bday but couldn't get a loan. he left me a month after starting anti-ds. I remember him saying that it wasn't fair for me to endure sexual side effects but he pre-empted them by switching off from me day he got prescription. I suspect he is ashamed as he didn't go to his local pharmacy to get prescription. I have told him numerous times I want to help him thrugh this and wait/support but he says it's not fair on me. He also says pressure of me wanting him to get better will make him worse even though I have told I know he can't offer timelines/guarantees. He says he wants to be on friendly terms as long as I know it's as far as it goes. I told him that I don't mind being "matey" for as long as it takes but that if he really wants me to move on Ill need a clean break. I feel if he spent as much determination fighting our relationship he may be getting somewhere with his treatment. he says he is worried he may not get better which is part of mindset. He gets upset at clean break and says I am only person who still treats him like a normal person but he won't try to keep me in his life. I have to initiate contact and he regularly ignores phone calls or messages. He has got worse since he left - he says he is cushioned in his mum's house but I think what he means is that he can hide in his room which I know thats what he does. when he was living in our house I got him to walk me to work and he still cleaned house/watched tv- had a bit of life to him. I know his mum doesnt make him leave house. I am on verge of going to live in a different country next month as it's so hard to be so close location wise but distant emotionally. he knows this&says I'm being overdramatic/irrational. I want to be in his life but he makes it very hard. everything he says is a mass of contradictions. he says it's not what he wants but that he needs to face it alone. he says he had it when he was 17 but worked through it himself without doctors. The only thing that got him better was his family friend who suffered depression and he said it helped him knowing that someone got it. Unfortunately this family friend killed himself. He has a friend who is on medication and you wouldn't even know he was ill. this doesn't make my ex feel any better. he was cold and distant when he left saying it wasn't my life ruined and that "i'll get over it". I have lashed out a few times as it's so hard way he has been but I want to be a good thing for him. I don't know if he is getting talking treatment now but I know he says talking about it makes him worse. the medication doesn't seem to make any difference except it helps him sleep. I try to help out his money stress by helping him (my family are quite well off) and would pay for any treatment needed. I think the money stress exacerbate his depression. He says our break up is hard on him too and heartbreak is not just on my side but he won't accept my help to resolve it. I suspect the lack of a sex drive is a major thing for him. I read running can be good so have texted him saying I am going running tomorrow and hope he'll join me as he has no outlet for his stress. He has been advised that he has maj depressive disorder but he is worried it is something else but the symptoms seem to suggest mdd;lack of interests/sex drive, stress talking to people/ anger/withdrawal from people. He says he has to face it alone once and for all.my head is telling me to move on but I've never loved anyone like him and want to help. Are depressed men more resistant to help and why? Also how do u get through? I even offered him money for a special therapy in US for treatment resistant depression. he says he can't get on a plane. Is there any hope? I think he wants to get better but can't believe he can. I'm not convinced he is giving himself best chance though.

MrsSul What can I do to be helpful for a friend with Post Natal Depression?
  • replies: 1

I have a close girlfriend who is suffering quite badly with post natal depression. She has a partner. She has moved back home with her parents for support. The three of them are living there currently. A week after she was diagnoses and moved back ho... View more

I have a close girlfriend who is suffering quite badly with post natal depression. She has a partner. She has moved back home with her parents for support. The three of them are living there currently. A week after she was diagnoses and moved back home, I took around some food to be reheated and some sweet treats too. I am in contact with her at least once a week via text. Just saying hello, how are you, thinking of you etc. I'm just wondering what else I can do to be helpful? Is there something that I can do that will help her? I know flowers don't help but is that something that might be worthwhile? A plant? More goods? I feel helpless. If she was home is offer to look after her darling daughter for her but as she's at her mums, I do t want to step in toes!!! I'm after anyone with experience who might be able to suggest what they had or wished a friend did for them when they were so low. i want her to know I'm thinking of her and here for her......but actually do something instead of just words. Hope that makes sense! thanks in advance x

Sandy2014 Struggling with shared care of my daughter, I can not ask for help
  • replies: 3

My daughter is 4, I have shared care of her since she was 1. I struggle with this because I feel guilt she has no stability, she goes back and forth from her dads and mine all the time. Since we have had shared care I have struggled to bond with her.... View more

My daughter is 4, I have shared care of her since she was 1. I struggle with this because I feel guilt she has no stability, she goes back and forth from her dads and mine all the time. Since we have had shared care I have struggled to bond with her. I go days without seeing her, struggling with her being away then she is back again. I feel like I am half a mother, half the time not a mother and this really messes with how I feel as a parent. When she is home and I am not working I have to get us out of the home straight away. She is a only child so she wants me to play with her every second of the day, this physically exausts me. I feel like I should be playing with her constantly when she is home because well she is only home half the time. I feel like a terrible mother for being tired when I do not even have her fulltime like other mums. The thought of just us two at home all day together makes me anxious and I invote my partner over or just about anyone so it is not just me entertaining her all day. I struggle to get out of bed, do my uni work and I hate my job. I am also very nervous cause we are moving into my partners house and I am scared how he will adjust to living with a child, or that I am not perfect at housework and a pretty bad cook. These things might seem small but it makes me all anxious and feel like a failure. I have thoughts of ending my life. I wont go to anyone about it cause I am applying for my dream job and scared for them to see anything negative on my med records. I am in my early 20s and dont want to ruin my chances of a dream career because 'I am feeling sad' but I just dont know how to feel good again

The_Wife Husbands depression; how do I make him understand?
  • replies: 5

My husband and I have been married for 19 years, together for 25. We have grown up together and seen many ups and downs and yet I still see boy I fell in love with all those years ago. I feel he has suffered some form Of depression for at least 17 of... View more

My husband and I have been married for 19 years, together for 25. We have grown up together and seen many ups and downs and yet I still see boy I fell in love with all those years ago. I feel he has suffered some form Of depression for at least 17 of these years. Classic signs etc of sleep disturbances, lack of interest and motivation, weight gain, constant worry and on a few occasions, suicidal thoughts. As much as I begged he refused help and treatment, he was in complete denial. I knew this was a journey and that he had to realise it himself, and once he did we could get him help. And so it came that in May this year he finally got so bad he HAD to seek help. I was so relieved. He's been on antidepressants and they've helped him immensely. I love him with all my heart and there is no intention on my part to leave the man I have shared my life with but I'm so tired. It's been a life of constant arguing. The waiting has meant I've been through a lot of horrible stuff. I find my husbands depression manifests itself in some really awful behaviour. He is mean, argumentative and antagonistic and extremely arrogant. At times he cannot be in the same room as me without trying to upset me. We cannot leave the house on a family outing without at least three of us being upset to the point of crying. Our relationship is about as bad as it has ever been and I want to try and make him understand the effect this is having on me and our family unit but I just can't find the words to make him see. He sees all of this as me being awful to him. I get told "you need to make some decisions. Either stay or go. There's nothing wrong with me, you're just a bitch". He has zero relationship with our eldest daughter and says some awful things about her that he sees as throw away lines or completely justified. I couldn't even print some of the things he has said and done to me over the years. But I knew it was depression. All of his behaviour is justified, even threatening physical violence and he refuses to see its part of his depression which I think it is. He has recently suffered another episode and the dr has diagnosed this; she is contemplating increasing his medication. He has refused the psychologist and so I feel he is only being half treated. I am at my wits end, how on earth do you make someone understand that their behaviour IS part of the depression and that you will still love and support them but they just have to accept it. I don't know if I can manage another 17 years to wait for the penny to drop on this aspect.