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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Bulletin_Board_Archive My partner and depression
  • replies: 2

Originally posted by: nick on 13 July 2012Hi there, My girlfriend is the most amazing person I have ever met. On our good days we have a relationship that im sure many people would envy. We understand each other, laugh at our own jokes and love each ... View more

Originally posted by: nick on 13 July 2012Hi there, My girlfriend is the most amazing person I have ever met. On our good days we have a relationship that im sure many people would envy. We understand each other, laugh at our own jokes and love each others company. On good days, she is my best friend, my lover and my family. However, we always had our bad days, and initially I just put it down to being a normal relationship, but recently I have noticed the "bad days" becoming more frequent. She not only has become more intollarant with me, but also her friends and other people she is closest to. I recently have realised many of her relationships have been like this. Sometimes I think that she is angry because I'm a bad boyfriend, Maybe I havent been there for her enough, maybe I havent done all the right things. But the more I try to be perfect, the more she becomes unsatisfied with my efforts. She resents me when I try to find time with my friends and says I live a selfish life. But she then apologises because I dont see my friends enough. Some days she is still the most amazing person, she is happy, talkative and loving. Then the next day she could find it hard to get out of bed, and nothing I do will ever be right. Our problems are getting worse, she finds reasons to be angry at me more often, But when I tell her Ive done nothing wrong and critisize her, she becomes more distant than ever. She has become her worst critic and hates herself if i expose something she has done wrong. She has told me she has been diagnosed with depression before, and I wonder if it is her, or if im a terrible boyfriend. I love this girl with all of my heart but nothing seems to work. She has agreed to see a specialist, but the drugs they put her on only sends her to sleep and she cannot function on them. I dont know what to do, how to act or what to say around her anymore. Either she will get offended or upset if I tell her how I feel and that worries me. Every time I come home I feel a deep sadness in the house. She cannot talk to me and at times cannot even be in the same room as me. I dont know how to handle this anymore,

Jazz9 Where do I begin?
  • replies: 1

Ok, here goes... First time I've done this! My partner of 10 years is currently in a psych hospital. Self admitted, with my support and I'm really optimistic for our future and his future wellness. He has a history of depression since being a small k... View more

Ok, here goes... First time I've done this! My partner of 10 years is currently in a psych hospital. Self admitted, with my support and I'm really optimistic for our future and his future wellness. He has a history of depression since being a small kid and this continued into adulthood with 2 suicide attempts and 1 marriage down the gurgler. Finally, we have a diagnosis. Bi-polar. This is scary, but also comforting to have a name to the illness that takes over both our lives. Although a chemical imbalance, I have a strong feeling that his family has a lot to do with his negative feelings about himself, and they have taken the "ostrich in the sand" approach to his illness for his while life. His mother rang me tonight. Upset that he doesn't want her to visit him. She then carried on about him having issues because his older brother was a "hard act to follow" and that he was never good enough! (I'll put her nomination in for mother of the year later) I took a deep breath, fighting the urge to tell her that she is a lot of the reason why he needs help, and she suggested I ask him, on her behalf, to see him. I don't want her there. I want him to complete the program without outside influences that could set him back. She doesn't understand him, or his illness and I have found her lack of support, in the past staggering. However, she is his mother. What should I do?

cmorgan I'm lost
  • replies: 2

My husband of 9 years has been diagnosed with depression and now on medication. This is something that is new to me as Ipersonally have never had to deal with this before. We together have a 7 year old daughter and recently have a new born baby now o... View more

My husband of 9 years has been diagnosed with depression and now on medication. This is something that is new to me as Ipersonally have never had to deal with this before. We together have a 7 year old daughter and recently have a new born baby now only 4 weeks old. It all started by my husband one night uncontrollably crying, after a few days and a doctors visit, he has been diagnosed with depression. His thoughts currently are that he wants to sell the house and walk away from us as a family. He says he loves his children however says he says he no longer loves me. He says he doesn't feel anything for me actually doesn't feel anything he says. He wants to be affectionate with me and cuddle me still etc but then on the next hand can be distant towards me. I am not ready to give up on my marriage or our family we have together, I have contacted a professional firstly for myself so I can understand how to approach this and what is ok and not ok to do or say to someone with depression. I am feeling very lost, sad for us and sad for my young family we have together. I love my husband he means to whole world to me. Every time I think of the fact that he wants to leave us, I just break down, I think of my eldest daughter having to wake up every morning without a dad, and my baby of 4 weeks not ever knowing that feeling of having a dad around. Your comments are welcome. I won't give up until I have exhausted every means possible.

Hades How do I help my brother?
  • replies: 1

Hello, everyoneI am not sure if this is the right place to post this but I am really scared about the way my brother is behaving at the moment. He is depressed more days than he is happy and nothing anyone says or does seems to help. He has mentioned... View more

Hello, everyoneI am not sure if this is the right place to post this but I am really scared about the way my brother is behaving at the moment. He is depressed more days than he is happy and nothing anyone says or does seems to help. He has mentioned several times that he has researched ways of ending his life. There has even been more than one incident where he has attempted suicide (or at least professes to have). A little background...Around a year ago, our brother's life was taken and we have had to deal with some pretty horrible stuff as a family.Our sister came into our lives a few months after this occurred.Since then they have seemed to have a close bond.It seems that he his only happy when around her. He refuses to talk to our parents,when he does,he blames them for what he is going through. Our sister is the only person he will speak to when he is having thesethoughts of suicide.He tells her in detail how he is planning to do things and that noone understands him but her. Our dad contacted the psych line at a local hospital, which didn't go down too well. My brother spoke to them for quite a while though he didn't really seem to pay attention to them and was suspicious of the people trying to help him - like he was digging holes in their methods. We have taken him to the hospital on really bad episodes but he refuses to accept their help either. He only tells his doctors that he is depressed but not the full extent of his thoughts and plans.He attempted suicide the other day and it is ripping us all apart. Our mother is not coping well at all and I worry about her health. My sister seems stressed all the time as I think she is the one who gets the vast majority of the angst and looks a little run down too. She said to me once that it is like he is stalking her and gives her no peace. He even gets jealous of the relationship she has with her husband. She has done so much to try and help him but I think she is almost worn out by it.What can I do when I can't get him to accept help?

Concerned_girlfriend How can I convince my partner to seek help?
  • replies: 5

I am very concerned for my boyfriend; he has showed signs of depression for the last 18 months, on and off, more on recently. He has admitted that he is not happy but not that he is depressed. I asked if he would like to see a shrink, but he said he ... View more

I am very concerned for my boyfriend; he has showed signs of depression for the last 18 months, on and off, more on recently. He has admitted that he is not happy but not that he is depressed. I asked if he would like to see a shrink, but he said he has seen one before and it didn’t work so what is the point. I would like him to see the GP for advice but I don’t think he would, he can be very stubborn. I don’t know a lot about depression, I want to be there for him but if he does not want to help himself, what can I do? My main concern is that our relationship might end over this as I am finding it very hard to be happy myself around him when he is low. Or that he might do something silly. Any advice is much appreciated

intentional_joy needing support with partners disocciative itentity disorder
  • replies: 13

This is my first post and I feel very fearful. I have PTSD and associated anxiety. I have worked really hard to heal and have done really well. However some events recently have triggered my anxiety and panic attacks and I am needing some support and... View more

This is my first post and I feel very fearful. I have PTSD and associated anxiety. I have worked really hard to heal and have done really well. However some events recently have triggered my anxiety and panic attacks and I am needing some support and any helpful advice you may have to offer, and really I need to just be able to say that sometimes things are hard. My partner of 11 years has disocciative identity disorder. He has 3 personalities that we know of. I love this man and believe he or at least his main host personality loves me and yet at times it is so very challenging and sometimes I feel so alone. Until recently he didn't like me to have support for living with this or talk to anyone about it. Whenever I tried to tell him that I needed help or someone to talk to because I was finding it difficult to cope with some things he would minimize my challenges and tell me it was him that had the challenges it should be easy for me.I squashed it all down inside and just tried to keep smiling and keep going. It is difficult sometimes because one of his alters may be angry with me. may tell me things, do things and my mans host character may not be aware and then thinks Im crazy if I tell him things that were said. sometimes it plays with my mind and the anxiety has been horrible when I feel like Im walking on egg shells in case I say something wrong. Recently he has gone through a lot of personal growth and change and realises it is important for me to have support and has told me he has sought support. This is something he had not disclosed to me previously. He suggested I may find support on here. Im afraid and anxious and sceptical but also hopeful because I need support. In the last several weeks he has come to me to tell me that his protector alta has grown and gone through changes and wants a girlfriend of his own. This has devastated me and triggered my anxiety big time and I have also had panic attacks. I feel lost and alone and so need some advice and support. Can anyone help

Mira My husband and mother are both depressed
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone, my husband has severe depression and suicidal thoughts which has been going on for a very long time. My mother who lives with us also has depression but continuously denies it. My husband who is currently unemployed due to his depression... View more

Hi everyone, my husband has severe depression and suicidal thoughts which has been going on for a very long time. My mother who lives with us also has depression but continuously denies it. My husband who is currently unemployed due to his depression is seeing a psychiatrist as well as a psychologist. It seems to be helping him somewhat. I am happy that he is responding to treatment but I am at the stage where I will need treatment soon. We are in financial stress and I am working 10 hour shifts just to be able to pay the mortgage. I am stressed and with my mother also having depression they don't seem to see that I am under pressure. I don't know how long l can go on like this without loosing my temper and doing or saying something that will damage our relationship. I am constantly in a bad mood and I don't want to feel this way anymore. The biggest losers in this drama are our children. My oldest can cope to some extent but my youngest acts up and has anger fits all the time. I don't know what to do anymore. Your help would be greatly appreciated.

ConcernedLoveOne Please help - How do i help my mother in law?
  • replies: 0

Really hoping someone can offer advice - Like most situations, ours has been in "development" for some time - short story is that my darling mother in law is currently in an aged care mental health ward for severe depression and anxiety - the depress... View more

Really hoping someone can offer advice - Like most situations, ours has been in "development" for some time - short story is that my darling mother in law is currently in an aged care mental health ward for severe depression and anxiety - the depression is pretty much now "controlled" via medication but the anxiety is overwhelming her. She is not old - 69, but right now she can't eat, or drink - and they can't even force her to eat or drink any more (i fear they may have to intervene soon on that aspect), she can't sit for a minute - she is pacing the floor constantly - she can't shower herself, she can't even dress herself - I must stress here that physically there is nothing wrong with her. She is humming constantly (something she has done since doing ECT 6 years ago for the depression). We struggle with trying to say or do the right things to help her. I want to wrap her in cotton wool and bubble wrap and protect her forever, but I can't and it is breaking my heart. Her family love her very very much. Today we cannot see any time when she might come home again - is recovery for her possible? What might happen to her if she doesn't improve? How can I support and help her?

RubyA My boyfriend has anxiety and depression
  • replies: 1

My boyfriend has anxiety and depression. We have only been together for 12 months but we have been through so much together it feels as though it has been much longer. I am currently at a loss as to how to help him and i did not know where else to go... View more

My boyfriend has anxiety and depression. We have only been together for 12 months but we have been through so much together it feels as though it has been much longer. I am currently at a loss as to how to help him and i did not know where else to go for help. I don't want to let him go, i care about him, i love him, but the past few months i feel as though i am being pulled into his spiral. I am struggling to understand the illness and how to manage being a partner to a person who is trying to conquer it.

What_to_do_ How to help my daughter?
  • replies: 4

Please give me some advice on how to help my adult daughter who we believe to be suffering ongoing depression. She refuses point blank to engage in any conversations with anyone about seeking help. She has also isolated herself from all her friends a... View more

Please give me some advice on how to help my adult daughter who we believe to be suffering ongoing depression. She refuses point blank to engage in any conversations with anyone about seeking help. She has also isolated herself from all her friends and increasingly from family. We are so very concerned and do not know what to do....