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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Katie Depressed husband wanting to leave his family
  • replies: 18

Hi, My husband has had depression for over 8yrs, during that time he has felt better stopped his tablets several times, spiralled back into the black hole of depression. At these moments he questions if he wants to be married, suggesting that he woul... View more

Hi, My husband has had depression for over 8yrs, during that time he has felt better stopped his tablets several times, spiralled back into the black hole of depression. At these moments he questions if he wants to be married, suggesting that he would prefer to be by himself somewhere. Once back on tablets he feels better and is 'happier' with life. This time he is still taking his tablets but having notable mood swings, feeling flat and wanting to end our marriage and then feeling ok and trying to work things out. Communication with him is almost zero. He hates the word 'depression' and doesn't want to talk about it, preferring to try and ignore the problem. We have been married for 20yrs with 3 kids and usually get along well. with this latest episode of depression I am seen as the enemy and the cause of his depression. He feels if he leaves our family to live by himself he will find happiness. I am worried that he is not thinking rationally and may regret his actions. Guess I am not sure how I can help him, I just hope he can seek help and then make his decision with a clear head. Just wondering if other people have experienced this sort of thing.

norman6 How can I help my 30 year old son who hates me ?
  • replies: 3

Sorry I'm new to this, the title seems pretty vicious but true. I love my son but he refuses to communicate with me, his mother, or any other members of our family. He is married and has a 2 month old daughter (who hasn't been seen). He moved to Sydn... View more

Sorry I'm new to this, the title seems pretty vicious but true. I love my son but he refuses to communicate with me, his mother, or any other members of our family. He is married and has a 2 month old daughter (who hasn't been seen). He moved to Sydney,from WA 4years ago and kept in contact till about 2 years ago, he then stopped replying to my and my wives e-mails and texts for no apparent reason. He moved back to WA late last year and was in contact with his uncle, cousins, grandmother and mother in law. he has dropped all contact with all in the last 4 months. He texted me a very strongly worded message asking for money to be deposited in his bank account, in his text he said he had been self harming, tried to kill himself, been in hospital, social workers, case workers, psychiatrics, and on the streets. I want to make sure He and his family are safe but I don't know what to do or who to approach. I know the street he lives in but feel that if I was to approach him he might turn violent towards his wife or daughter. I feel so powerless. I can live with him hating me, I just want him to have a good life but I don't know what to do. Please help me to help my son and his family.

BJ101 Coping with a partner with BPD / Depression
  • replies: 15

Hi Guys, new here but here goes, My partner has been diagnosed with this and depression after the birth of our first child and am feeling at my breaking point. we have been to some counciling sessions but it feels like she is just going through the m... View more

Hi Guys, new here but here goes, My partner has been diagnosed with this and depression after the birth of our first child and am feeling at my breaking point. we have been to some counciling sessions but it feels like she is just going through the motions to keep me happy and dosent really want to change. more doing it to make me happy. As were a young family i am trying to keep us all together. i was wondering if anyone knew of any support groups in Adelaide for partners of people with Borderline Personality Disorder? or any helpful reading or tips etc. Regards BJ Interested in replying to this thread and not already a member of our forums? Join up here. RELATED THREADS Dealing with partner who has BPD and my own depression Finding it difficult to cope with BPD spouse Cannot abandon my wife BPD sufferer BPD - coping with partner I want my BPD ex back If you love someone with depression, you need to watch this

Astar3003 My husbands self destruction
  • replies: 5

My husband of 13 years has recently hit the self destruct button on our relationship in a bid to make me hate him so that I will leave him and he can commit suicide. He has suffered with depression and anxiety for the last 12 years and has tried to c... View more

My husband of 13 years has recently hit the self destruct button on our relationship in a bid to make me hate him so that I will leave him and he can commit suicide. He has suffered with depression and anxiety for the last 12 years and has tried to commit suicide several times. He has been texting and seeing 2 different women, I found out about woman 1 and confronted him about it, this pushed him to leave overnight where he found consolation in the arms of woman 2. He eventually came home to me, and as I didn't know where he had spent the night at the time, I welcomed him with open arms believing the lies he spun me. I found out later that day and again confronted him about woman 2. It ended with me storming out and going for a drive. He called and text me until finally telling me that he was going to "end it all - Goodbye". I came flying home in time and got him off to sleep eventually. His plan was for me to go away for a few days so that he could kill himself before I got home. He says that he wants to be with me but he has "no feelings" at the moment. He hates to hurt me and he just thinks I would be better off without him. I love him very much and am willing to do whatever it takes to get him help and get our marriage back on track but i can't seem to get through to him. On the flip side of this I am unable to have children and am still processing this news and the fact that my husband has been distant and taking me for granted for the last 6 months. I just don't know what to do from here, everything seems such a mess! He is currently staying with friends deciding if he wants to carry on our marriage and I am at home sick with worry. If there is anyone out there with depression that can shine any light on these kind of actions I would appreciate your advice. I just don't know what to do to help him.beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Louise54 New to forum
  • replies: 1

Hello, this is my first time using this site. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life. I have dealt with it on my own mostly, but have seen counsellors from time to time. I feel on top of things most days, but the last 6 mont... View more

Hello, this is my first time using this site. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life. I have dealt with it on my own mostly, but have seen counsellors from time to time. I feel on top of things most days, but the last 6 months have been really difficult for me because my partner had an emotional breakdown and needs my support. I want to be there for him, but I feel like and emotional punching bag and nothing I do is right. He has a lot of anger inside and is easily set off and it's usually me that seems to upset him. I feel like I'm doing everything I can to help him and support him, but I feel my own feelings have fallen by the wayside. Can anybody suggest a way for me to address this problem with him without causing an argument? I'm reaching the end of my tether.

Lou_Lou Lonely - I've never told anyone about my husband's depression
  • replies: 7

Hello - I'm new to this site and it's the first time I've spoken about my husband's depression. I'm very nervous doing this and I'm hoping to get some support and coping strategies. My husband has been in the shadows of depression his entire life (fi... View more

Hello - I'm new to this site and it's the first time I've spoken about my husband's depression. I'm very nervous doing this and I'm hoping to get some support and coping strategies. My husband has been in the shadows of depression his entire life (first depression at 9) and is in a very bad biological depression at the moment. He regularly sees a psychiatrist and has been trying different drugs for over a year now. Nothing has worked not even the newest drug combos. He is on a last resort drug but it's very old and did work for him about 20 years ago. This is the last option before he seriously thinks about ECT. Scares the heck out of me but it may be his only hope in living some sort of life. He doesn't drink, exercises regularly, goes to work (can't concentrate at the moment tho) and really tries to shake this but he can't. He constantly talks about money, about loosing his job, about what he'll do when he looses his job, about anything to do with money. He is obsessed with money and spending it, he can't. We do not go on holidays and every one we go on he complains about how much it costs, so we just don't go now. He also talks about wanting to be dead. It's dreadful that I can't help him. I try but I find I'm nice and supportive and then I just loose it, I walk into the bedroom and he's in that darn bed again, he looks sick. It's driving me crazy. This depression has been going on for two years but it's been really bad the past 3 months where he's been in bed all weekend. I have not told any family or friends about this. I feel like if I do I'll be betraying him. I make excuses for him constantly as to why he's not at functions, our kids events or even at my birthday dinner, which he missed last year but my friends' husbands came - that was embarrassing . He does have a demanding job so I always use that as an excuse. I often wonder if more people know than I realise, I bet they do.It has really only dawned on me how severe his depression is. When I look back at photos and our 10 year marriage I think 'oh that's when he was depressed' in all the photos. So his depression is bad. We have two children 6 and 7. He spend most weekends in bed zonked out on sleeping tablets. I am very social and find it so lonely to not be able to have people over to our house when he's here. I dearly want a warm welcoming house full of people but that's not going to happen when he's here I do most of my socialising when he's not here. The other day a neighbours little girl came and and said "oh why's your dad in bed" and my son said "oh that's just dad he's always in bed." Gee my heart sank, I'm worried for the kids, I hope this is not hurting them. I keep the kids social and we have lots of friends and so do they. My husband had a dreadful childhood with an alcoholic father and narcissistic mother. Really awful childhood so I'm worried all his childhood trauma can't be treated with drugs. It seems like such a mess and I'm trying to stay strong but feel like exploding. Can anyone relate? Thanks for reading. xo Beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Jessie0172 Mother Depressed
  • replies: 2

Hi, I'm 21 and live with my mum and I'm finishing my university degree later this year. I'm an only child and its just me and my mum. When she got divorced in 2003 she went on anti-depressents and she's been on them ever since. She was fine though un... View more

Hi, I'm 21 and live with my mum and I'm finishing my university degree later this year. I'm an only child and its just me and my mum. When she got divorced in 2003 she went on anti-depressents and she's been on them ever since. She was fine though until 6 months ago when she was made redundant at her job; she really enjoyed her job and was devastated since she left. Most of her friends where from work too so they don't keep in touch so she's devastated by that as well. She has been applying for jobs but never gets an offer just a lot of interviews, she broke her shoulder just after she was made redundant as well so she didn't start applying for jobs until only a couple of months ago. She went to counselling too after her injury to check she wouldn't become more depressed after the surgery but she seemed to stop going. Anyway in the last 2 months she has had nothing going on, she still goes to physio occasionally for her shoulder, but she doesn't do any of the exercises they recommend, so its making no improvement. She has really slowed down in applying for jobs, even when I find her ones, she wont apply for them till the very last minute; and when she does get an interview she's normally late. Its becoming very frustrating. I also stay with my boyfriend a couple nights a week at his place, but i find I'm always really worried about her and when I get home she's just cranky at me. She doesn't do any house work or hobbies throughout the day either, she mostly sleeps alot and watches t.v. I've been trying to encourage her to do a tafe course or learn a new skill but she just complains that I'm nagging her. She was already overweight and our doctor has had a word with her about trying to lose weight but she always has a reason for not trying. Our dogs unwell too and I fear if she passes away it might tip my mum over the edge, I don't know what to do. Ive tried talking to he she just gets any at me saying I'm nagging her, or she doesn't want to talk to me. Please Help

beckikateman Husband in "dark place", feeling helpless!
  • replies: 2

I hope I'm doing the right thing. I have to believe it's the right thing, for the sake of our relationship and our children. For the past month, I've noticed a change in my husbands behavior (we've been together for 19yrs, married for 10yrs & have 2 ... View more

I hope I'm doing the right thing. I have to believe it's the right thing, for the sake of our relationship and our children. For the past month, I've noticed a change in my husbands behavior (we've been together for 19yrs, married for 10yrs & have 2 boys (4yrs & 6yrs old) so we know each other very well). At first I thought it was me. I noticed less physical contact, less intimate moments, felt less attractive, more distance, vagueness from him and just an awful gut feeling like something was just not right. Like a sixth sense or women's intuition. My first thought was "there's another woman". He's been very distant also, he'll disappear into the shed or bedroom and I've caught myself feeling quite resentful. Resentful because he disappears at the most inconvenient times when I'm trying to juggle kids homework, showers and dinner preparation, like he's "opting out" of family responsibilities. I have caught myself approaching him and telling him "stop distancing yourself from the family, they're our children, not just mine, "just snap out of it!". I'm now ashamed for saying that as I now know better, but at the time, he wasn't talking to me and I didn't know what was up with him and I just got to that point where I was feeling very frustrated. Two weeks ago I asked him several questions "Do you still find me attractive? Do you still love me? Do you still want to be with me? To all of which he said "yes!" So, then I asked him "So what's up then? Somethings just not right, you're not talking to me, you need to talk to me!" To which he replied "I'm just tired!" He seems to be always tired, brushing off any advances I make towards him. Because he's tired! Last night I got to a point where I just felt like there has to be another woman, so I said "You say you love me but some people can love/desire/lust over more than one. Is there someone else?" He said "No, that's not it!" To which I replied "Well if that's not it, what is it? You're not talking to me, I feel like somethings up, I can't shake this feeling of somethings just not right. I feel like you want out, I feel like you don't want to be here/be with me anymore. I cant help you if you don't talk to me!" So, now he's opened up. He calls it "being in a dark place" He's still providing well for our family, doing well at work and still managing finances but I now feel he's putting on a brave face outside the home and he shuts down once he gets home. I've done some research on the wonderful University of Google this morning and I'm on the verge of making a Doctors appointment for this week (as per advice on the net) and the plan is, is to go with him. I'm slightly hesitant in making that appointment without consulting him first but then I think he may deny that it's that serious and refuse to go. Our relationship together and our family unit can't stay healthy without help, so do I make the appointment without his consent or not?

Brookie How do I support him :( help!
  • replies: 3

My partner and I have been down a very rocky road in the past 12 months. But he finally got some help from his GP and was put on some medication. That was 6 months ago , however he has never tried to deal with the underlying issues. It has just been ... View more

My partner and I have been down a very rocky road in the past 12 months. But he finally got some help from his GP and was put on some medication. That was 6 months ago , however he has never tried to deal with the underlying issues. It has just been masked by a drug, that doesn't seem to be working anymore....Lately he has been acting strange. very cold towards me, very distant and doesn't seem to know what he wants at least half the time these days. I am struggling with being pushed away by him when I feel like I need to be pulled close, and hugged or something. I look into his eyes and I see a very broken man. I don't know what the right thing to do for him is. But I have organised a doctors appointment for him this week. And a counsellor session for both of us. God I hope I am doing the right thing. Can anyone relate???? I feel very alone

chelseajc Need some advice please
  • replies: 3

I started seeing my new boyfriend about six weeks ago and for the first month all was great. There were frequent texts and we were talking about the future and me eventually meeting his two kids from a previous relationship. It was a very happy time.... View more

I started seeing my new boyfriend about six weeks ago and for the first month all was great. There were frequent texts and we were talking about the future and me eventually meeting his two kids from a previous relationship. It was a very happy time. About two weeks ago, I started to notice he was withdrawing from the relationship and I wasn't sure why. I questioned him and he just said he was stressed at work and busy with the kids but he would try to see me soon. Then a week ago he told me via text message that he suffered from depression and that he found it very difficult to talk about. He said he was angry with himself because he had finally found a great girl in me and that he liked me a lot but asked if I would "bear with him" while he overcame this "blip". He said he is getting help but sometimes he goes "into his shell". This was one week ago today. I texted back to say I was here to support him no matter what and that this didn't change my feelings for him and I cared about him a lot. He didn't reply which is OK because I am not sure exactly how bad things are for him. I checked in again on Sunday with a voicemail and also sent an email on Monday just asking if he was OK. I told him I knew he had difficulty talking so he could just let me know he was OK via email. I have not heard from him. I was just wondering if anyone could provide any insight into what I should do next? I am confident he is being honest with me about the issues he is currently facing and I know he is going through a tough time but am I wrong for wanting him to just let me know he's OK? I don't expect him to have a full-on conversation with me if he isn't comfortable but I would like to know how he is doing. I don't want to pressure him into contacting me but given the fact he felt he could tell me about these issues, I thought me might want my support? Obviously this is a new relationship so unfortunately I am yet to meet his family or any of his friends so I am unable to contact them. I also don't really have any history of dealing with people with depression so I am not sure how much I should be contacting him. I like him a lot and want to help but I can't do that if he won't communicate with me. I think he was being honest when he said he likes me too and I assume he does want to pursue a relationship with me in the future but I am just not sure how to proceed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!