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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Mother_Bear Very worried Mother/Grandmother
  • replies: 5

My eldest daughter (C1) has suffered from depression, anxiety and BPD since 15yo and is now 20 with a 9 month old baby (C2). We've found our worst nightmare coming true as her relationship with the father has broken down and now so has her mind and m... View more

My eldest daughter (C1) has suffered from depression, anxiety and BPD since 15yo and is now 20 with a 9 month old baby (C2). We've found our worst nightmare coming true as her relationship with the father has broken down and now so has her mind and mental health. My daughter and grandson moved back home with us about 3 months ago and for a while seemed to be going OK. We have been noticing her lack of patience and general anger/frustration with C2, which is enough of a concern but now she tells us that she feels like ending her life. C1 was supposed to start a new anti-depressant 3 weeks ago but thought she was fine and has ended up in a downward sprial since. When she visited her GP today, they wanted to admit her to hospital but she refused. Not only do I feel sick with concern for the wellbeing and future of both of them, I'm also very frustrated as C1 hasn't taken meds as prescribed, pushed us into a corner to babysit C2 (she was going out come hell or highwater and if we didn't look after C2 she was going to give him to her extremelyuseless ex partner who is incapable of looking after anyone including himself) and has proved to be really irresponsible with money, meaning we are continually coming to her rescue financially. I think that years of psych visits, self harm, hospital admittances,suicide attempts has taken it's toll on my hubby and I. We are both so stressed and strung out and devastated, we don't know where to turn or how to handle anything at the moment. I feel like we need to watch C1 full time for signs of suicide and to be sure that she's doing the right thing with C2 - Bless him, he's such a happy baby who doesn't deserve to have a miserable and grumpy mother. For the past 3 weeks, i've hardly been able to talk to anyone without dissolving into tears, can't get to sleep coz all I want to do is cry and can't concentrate on anything at work. I feel so very sorry for others who have probably dealt with far worse situtations and can only imagine their pain. I'm off to my 1st counselling session next week but I'm petrified for the future - for our whole family, as I can't see how C1 can become a fully functioning, self reliant and self funding person, and I feel like our whole lives revolve around her and her moods.Sorry this is so long but there is still so much left unsaid.......beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Kaz7777 Partners PTSD anxiety depression
  • replies: 1

There would be far too much to write this all down, though I'm at my wits end. I don't know how much more I can forgive of my partner. When is is 'up' he is excellent, so loving and perfect and happy. Then it comes crashing down with episodes of him ... View more

There would be far too much to write this all down, though I'm at my wits end. I don't know how much more I can forgive of my partner. When is is 'up' he is excellent, so loving and perfect and happy. Then it comes crashing down with episodes of him yelling, smashing things and physically hurting me. He has medication but as yet not taken it or gone to the pushy sessions he is meant to. I give it my all to keep him happy but now I'm growing resentful. If I bring up something I am 'nagging' him. When is drinks heavily he is a horrible person, even to the point he drove off and left me in the middle of the night. He used to threaten to kill himself though this has stopped. Currently we are in a typical 'down' stage involving me being in trouble for pretty much anything, and we therefore have not spoken for days. If we do it's him telling me off for something - using the last of the butter, making a phone call without telling him first, etc. the sad part is I get to breKing point and have abused him twice during these down points. Not happy about it but I was crying out for attention. I also name call I don't know why,I am just desperate to get him to see the hurt he is causing. There's always a reason his life is harder then mine, he plays the victim card telling me all the stresses he has weighing on him. Like he thinks mine is a walk in the park. i am made to feel guilty for everything I do and he has me believing it's all my fault. I don't know what to do.

CrashCoyote They aren't all good days, but today was a good day..........
  • replies: 6

Dear friends on this site, Many of you know that I would have trouble finding a way to complicate my life further. My eldest son is struggling with dope and alcohol addiction, my youngest daughter has barely been in my life for the last four years, t... View more

Dear friends on this site, Many of you know that I would have trouble finding a way to complicate my life further. My eldest son is struggling with dope and alcohol addiction, my youngest daughter has barely been in my life for the last four years, the only woman I have ever truly loved (I didn't even know what true loved looked like until we started seeing each other seven years ago) dumped me six months ago after struggling with her own anxiety demons all this time, I retired early from my lifetime career and passion as a police officer due to numerous injuries (physical and PTSD) and every day I think about my eight week old daughter, lost to sudden infant death syndrome sixteen years ago. Oh, yeah, and I drink too much and too often. And it was a good day, why? I took my son adult son out for dinner and we talked about his addictions and how our strategies to combat them are going. It is hard for both of us, him to live through it and me to watch as he tries to decide the things that will dictate how much of hell he has to see in his future. Afterwards we watched a movie together and arranged to see each other next weekend. My belief is that I did a little bit more today to support him. Yesterday my estranged fourteen year old daughter texted me and asked if we could meet up for a while and today we spent an hour and a half together. A bit awkward for both of us, we know so little about each other now, but soon fell into talking of common interests over hot chocolate. My relationship with her is better than it was yesterday. I had a lovely lunch yesterday with a lady I met on a dating site and she said she'd like to see me again. A few others are chatting to me by email and that is all going well. I didn't spend all day pining for my ex. Today my prospects for a relationship look better than yesterday. I had a late night last night and today remembered that I don't miss shift work or risking my neck every day for work. I have more time to see loved ones now that I'm retired. Today not being a policeman looks better than it did yesterday. I spent some time remembering the happy times I had with my daughter in the eight weeks she was alive rather than focusing on losing her. Today I smiled when I thought of her when yesterday I would have cried. Oh, yeah, and today I didn't drink alcohol. "Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me." Carol Burnett. Thank you for reading this. Tell me if you had a good day. Kind regards, John.

Harriet95 Boyfriend is Denying His Depression?
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone and thank you for clicking on my question. I desperately need advice. My boyfriend has been showing all of the signs of depression for a few months now, he seems to be so down in the dumps all the time, I don't see him smile much anymore,... View more

Hi everyone and thank you for clicking on my question. I desperately need advice. My boyfriend has been showing all of the signs of depression for a few months now, he seems to be so down in the dumps all the time, I don't see him smile much anymore, he always comes home from work feeling bad and when I ask him whats wrong, he says that he just has a head ache or hes tired but i know him well enough to know that hes down. He tells me he has a "head ache" basically every day and its so frustrating that he wont just tell me he feels down. The only time I see him smile is when hes around his friends, which makes me feel crap because I'm just trying everything I can to make him happy but I cant. I asked him how come I cant make him happy but his friends can and he told me that he's faking it around his friends. I just want him to confess that hes unhappy so we can get him help but you cant help someone who doesn't want help. Its really frustrating and starting to bring me down with him and I feel like any day I'm just going to snap because I feel so frustrated that nothing I do helps. I'm so lost and I dont know how to help him. please give me advice. I'm desperate. Thank you

Confused21 Don't know what to do
  • replies: 1

I got back with my boyfriend in January, we broke up for a few reasons but one was his anger. He recently started seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist to deal with his anger and depression. He has slowly been getting worse with his depression and c... View more

I got back with my boyfriend in January, we broke up for a few reasons but one was his anger. He recently started seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist to deal with his anger and depression. He has slowly been getting worse with his depression and confessed to me that he lied to both myself and the doctors that he has stopped having suicidal thoughts because he doesn't want them to be documented, he has attempted suicide 9 times before and I guess the term would be failed attempts even though I don't like to think of it like that. He has also been hearing two voices in his head telling him to do things, another reason for the doctors while his anger has been getting better I believe his depression has been getting worse and has even asked the doctors to up his dose. The last few days all he can say is that he doesn't know what is going on his head, it's getting to the point where he doesn't feel anything, nothing positive, he is still able to have the anger emotion. It's getting to the point where I am starting to feel like I can do nothing, I have dealt with depression myself, I was in a bad case of depression when we first started dating and about October-November I started experiencing it again with the stress that we were under. I don't know what to do, he has high self destructive tendencies but still maintains that he wants to be with me even though he does things that would make me want to break up with him because he doesn't think about it until after. I've started to feel sad again and feel like crying on and off, I just don't know how to keep being supportive without breaking down myself.

thegrassisgreener My boyfriend is struggling
  • replies: 1

Hi. This is my first time posting on here. I'm worried about my boyfriend. He has struggled with anxiety and depression most of his adult life i think. He is 29 now. Lately his depression has become a lot worse. I've also had my battles with anxiety ... View more

Hi. This is my first time posting on here. I'm worried about my boyfriend. He has struggled with anxiety and depression most of his adult life i think. He is 29 now. Lately his depression has become a lot worse. I've also had my battles with anxiety and depression, so I can relate, but not to the level that he is at. He feels that he is a failure to everyone. The way he sees his life and what's happening around him is completely off. I'm very supportive and I try and come up with strategies to help, but I can see that he doesn't think they will help. He's been saying he will go see a psychologist but he just can't get himself to do it. How can I help? I want to do more but I don't want to smother him or look like I'm taking over. I'm very worried that he is going to get to a point where he is so exhausted and just wants to give up. I love him more than anything. Any thoughts or suggestions?

Silverlining DEALING WITH MY HUSBAND'S DEPRESSION / ALCOHOL USE - GETTING IT OFF MY CHEST
  • replies: 9

It's breaking my heart. My husband of 33 years has depression. He has isolated himself so much from me. I feel I should have recognised it so much earlier and I feel terrible guilt about that. We have seen his GP who has been great, done sessions wit... View more

It's breaking my heart. My husband of 33 years has depression. He has isolated himself so much from me. I feel I should have recognised it so much earlier and I feel terrible guilt about that. We have seen his GP who has been great, done sessions with the psych (maybe not so successful), he's on medication but his drinking is getting worse. We have been able to talk pretty well through it all but I feel like he's withdrawing more and is putting a lot of pressure on himself to act normal. He has spoken to the kids, (16, 18 and 21 ) and family and immediate friends and work which has been a big step but lately I feel like he has put himself under so much pressure not to blow up at home and work (particularly where the kids are involved) that it's creating even more difficulty for him. We have talked about his drinking and I have managed to get him to agree to see his doctor again to discuss what can be done. We have talked about him giving up completely but I am concerned how this will affect his depression. I know they go hand in hand as does he but he just needs to have some control. He's just so sad so often. I feel like I've lost the man I fell in love with and I don't know how to help him come back. Sometimes I feel so inadequate and other times I feel like I must be depressed too because all I can do is let him know I'm here and give him space when he needs it and talk when he wants to but he's not there for me. Sounds so selfish but at this point that's how I feel. I want to have a laugh again with the man who used to make me so happy. I want to be intimate with him again. Well, I know he wants it too but I guess I feel I just needed to say what I want and I can do that here and he doesn't need to feel any pressure from me. Thanks for listening.

Bulletin_Board_Archive My partner and depression
  • replies: 2

Originally posted by: nick on 13 July 2012Hi there, My girlfriend is the most amazing person I have ever met. On our good days we have a relationship that im sure many people would envy. We understand each other, laugh at our own jokes and love each ... View more

Originally posted by: nick on 13 July 2012Hi there, My girlfriend is the most amazing person I have ever met. On our good days we have a relationship that im sure many people would envy. We understand each other, laugh at our own jokes and love each others company. On good days, she is my best friend, my lover and my family. However, we always had our bad days, and initially I just put it down to being a normal relationship, but recently I have noticed the "bad days" becoming more frequent. She not only has become more intollarant with me, but also her friends and other people she is closest to. I recently have realised many of her relationships have been like this. Sometimes I think that she is angry because I'm a bad boyfriend, Maybe I havent been there for her enough, maybe I havent done all the right things. But the more I try to be perfect, the more she becomes unsatisfied with my efforts. She resents me when I try to find time with my friends and says I live a selfish life. But she then apologises because I dont see my friends enough. Some days she is still the most amazing person, she is happy, talkative and loving. Then the next day she could find it hard to get out of bed, and nothing I do will ever be right. Our problems are getting worse, she finds reasons to be angry at me more often, But when I tell her Ive done nothing wrong and critisize her, she becomes more distant than ever. She has become her worst critic and hates herself if i expose something she has done wrong. She has told me she has been diagnosed with depression before, and I wonder if it is her, or if im a terrible boyfriend. I love this girl with all of my heart but nothing seems to work. She has agreed to see a specialist, but the drugs they put her on only sends her to sleep and she cannot function on them. I dont know what to do, how to act or what to say around her anymore. Either she will get offended or upset if I tell her how I feel and that worries me. Every time I come home I feel a deep sadness in the house. She cannot talk to me and at times cannot even be in the same room as me. I dont know how to handle this anymore,

Jazz9 Where do I begin?
  • replies: 1

Ok, here goes... First time I've done this! My partner of 10 years is currently in a psych hospital. Self admitted, with my support and I'm really optimistic for our future and his future wellness. He has a history of depression since being a small k... View more

Ok, here goes... First time I've done this! My partner of 10 years is currently in a psych hospital. Self admitted, with my support and I'm really optimistic for our future and his future wellness. He has a history of depression since being a small kid and this continued into adulthood with 2 suicide attempts and 1 marriage down the gurgler. Finally, we have a diagnosis. Bi-polar. This is scary, but also comforting to have a name to the illness that takes over both our lives. Although a chemical imbalance, I have a strong feeling that his family has a lot to do with his negative feelings about himself, and they have taken the "ostrich in the sand" approach to his illness for his while life. His mother rang me tonight. Upset that he doesn't want her to visit him. She then carried on about him having issues because his older brother was a "hard act to follow" and that he was never good enough! (I'll put her nomination in for mother of the year later) I took a deep breath, fighting the urge to tell her that she is a lot of the reason why he needs help, and she suggested I ask him, on her behalf, to see him. I don't want her there. I want him to complete the program without outside influences that could set him back. She doesn't understand him, or his illness and I have found her lack of support, in the past staggering. However, she is his mother. What should I do?

cmorgan I'm lost
  • replies: 2

My husband of 9 years has been diagnosed with depression and now on medication. This is something that is new to me as Ipersonally have never had to deal with this before. We together have a 7 year old daughter and recently have a new born baby now o... View more

My husband of 9 years has been diagnosed with depression and now on medication. This is something that is new to me as Ipersonally have never had to deal with this before. We together have a 7 year old daughter and recently have a new born baby now only 4 weeks old. It all started by my husband one night uncontrollably crying, after a few days and a doctors visit, he has been diagnosed with depression. His thoughts currently are that he wants to sell the house and walk away from us as a family. He says he loves his children however says he says he no longer loves me. He says he doesn't feel anything for me actually doesn't feel anything he says. He wants to be affectionate with me and cuddle me still etc but then on the next hand can be distant towards me. I am not ready to give up on my marriage or our family we have together, I have contacted a professional firstly for myself so I can understand how to approach this and what is ok and not ok to do or say to someone with depression. I am feeling very lost, sad for us and sad for my young family we have together. I love my husband he means to whole world to me. Every time I think of the fact that he wants to leave us, I just break down, I think of my eldest daughter having to wake up every morning without a dad, and my baby of 4 weeks not ever knowing that feeling of having a dad around. Your comments are welcome. I won't give up until I have exhausted every means possible.