Why does the statement I don’t want to be here anymore cause everyone to panic

[Gonemad]

I’m married, 2 daughters who have bought more issues into life alone, elderly parents and a hubby. All I seem to do is clean, wash, cook, and look after hubby, my now married daughters are out of the house, one doesn’t talk to me at all, the other is always analysing me telling me what my real issues ate. ( just as well I have a qualified Dr). Yes I often think there must be more to this life and I don’t want to be here I want laughter fun, friends anything but the same boring mundane things. Daughter wants me hospitalised because I say this. I want life as hard as it can be at times but my fight with depression will not win I’m to stubborn but now I’m to scared to open my mouth for fear of how it’s going to be taken. It’s just getting to hard to work this out. Does anyone have any suggestions. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Gonemad,

Thanks so much for starting this discussion. We're sorry to hear you're feeling like this, and finding it hard to open up about what you're feeling because of unhelpful reactions from those around you. That's really difficult, we're sorry it's been like that. We think sharing here is a really good step, and it takes a lot of bravery and resilience, so thank you. 

We hope you find some comfort in sharing here, and in hearing from the lovely community members, who may be able to relate to some of what you’ve been dealing with.

If you ever want to talk this through with one of the Beyond Blue counsellors, feel free to give us a call on 1300 22 4636, or reach out through Online Chat here.

If you've been thinking about suicide or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you call our counsellors, we can talk through it with you. You could also reach Lifeline on 13 14 11, or online here. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

Thank you for sharing this and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Gonemad

I believe it's a natural thought at times, especially for those who have a tendency to feel their way through life. From a purely analytical perspective, the statement 'I do not wish to live a life that feels this way (especially if it feels like some form of slow torture)' makes sense. Give the statement to a group of philosophers and they'd manage to analyse the hell out of it, so as to hit on some heavenly revelations.You know all that philosophical stuff like 'What's the meaning of life? Why are we here? What's the point? What's the sufferance within challenge stuff really all about?' and so on. Open minded philosophers don't panic when someone makes a significant statement, they go straight for asking the deeper questions instead.

It's interesting how people can ask 'How are you feeling today?' without really considering the question. They're typically looking for a simple response, such as 'Good', 'Better', 'Well', 'Happy' etc. Imagine giving someone the response 'Well, how I feel is with and through my mind, with and through my physical body and to some degree with and through a much deeper part of me (which some may call the soulful part)'. They'd look at you as through you're perhaps going a little mad. I've discovered over time, this is exactly how I feel...with and through these 3 aspects. So, with mind and body, if we're experiencing pure exhaustion from so many demands in life, 'pure exhaustion' becomes the feeling you can sense. If we're experiencing the soul destroying sense of 'completely and utterly lost', we'll feel a depressing lack of direction and purpose. Life as a feeler or sensitive (one who can sense easily) can be brutal.

As a 52yo gal, I can recall a couple of years ago when I identified a feeling I'd never been able to specifically identify before and it kind of blew my mind. It was the feeling of 'No one raising me to the point where I can actually feel it'. My next thought was 'What in hell is wrong with the people around me?'. If you are the raiser of others, the important question becomes 'Who's raising the raiser of others?'. Do you know how you wish to be raised? Maybe there's some longing for someone to bring the adventurer in you back to life, an aspect of self that can often become lost while we're being of service to everyone but our self.

[Gonemad]

Thanks for the thoughts they were incredible and spot on. I would just love to be raised by anyone, my entire family I’d disjunction, lives of lies and secrets threats why I live many kilometres away. My nanna was my everything and I lost her 34 years ago when she passed I lost my family. I had unconditional love with her. Thank you once again 

[therising]

Hi Gonemad

I believe one of the hardest things to do in life is raise our self. Losing a key person in our life can sometimes leave us no choice but to raise our self. My heart goes out to you while you face these challenges in life without your nannna, someone who had the ability to unlock things for you.

The business of raising our self is a tough one. Can definitely, without a doubt, be depressing at times. So many times I'd had the thought, once coming out of long term depression some years ago, 'What's wrong with me? Why do I continue to return to periods of depression?'. It was only within the last couple of years that I finally worked it out. I found 2 key factors to be involved every time were 1) I have the ability to feel where I'm at and 2) every depressing challenge is challenging me to become more conscious. Knowing these things still doesn't stop me from feeling a depression and it doesn't stop me from struggling for a number of days or weeks to work out what the heck the specific challenge is really all about. Even then, once it's worked out through some mind altering revelation, the greater challenge may come down to reforming long held belief systems and habits and the inner dialogue that can come with them. In 'The school of hard knocks', constantly graduating (learning from experience/becoming more conscious) is the goal. While that involves the theory side of things, the practical or what's put into practice can sometimes involve the ultimate test.

Another thing I realised: Each depressing challenge ended with a new part of me coming to life. Depression, for me, I'd define as 'the labour pains' that relate to 'giving birth' (to a new part of me or a part that in some ways had died off at some point). Coming back to life, bit by bit, can be such a slow and painful process. Graduating can be such a fulfilling experience, especially when we can feel the graduation points 😊

[Gonemad]

You have a very wise thinking belief. Sorry my first reply was so garbled but my day ended badly and by late evening I’d made my self quite unwell. My lessons from the school of hard knocks started very early in life. I wasn’t good enough, not smart enough, never did the right things, and the man I chose to marry was from “the wrong side of the tracks). I’ve apologised for my life changing mistake so many times the words are now bitter as they leave my mouth so recently I just stopped saying it. There is a lot you do not know about my life if only I could just spill it out. My life is full of love with my chosen man, we’ve been married 49 years this December. I am trying to live peacefully but there’s always a tsunami that flattens me and leaves my tired and sore. You are amazing with your thoughts and I am grateful for each of them. The part that hits my heart makes me realise I not the only one. I am very grateful you responded to me. 🙂

[therising]

Hi Gonemad

You are such a beautiful person, so deeply feeling and thoughtful. The world longs for sensitive people who have the ability to feel and feel for others. I think it's the amount of insensitive people that make life so challenging at times.

Can recall the time I finally realised how thoroughly depressing 'the people pleaser' in me can be at times. While I love this aspect or facet of myself and the way it brings pleasure to so many folk in my life, I also detest it at times. The times it dictates stuff like 'You need to apologise so that person will like you' or 'You need to keep your mouth shut so as not to upset anyone/rock the boat' or 'You are a horrible person for expressing yourself and making others uncomfortable' are not good times. The people pleaser in us can definitely be tormenting, oppressive and even depressing at times.

While the people pleaser in me can create a sense of dis-ease/unease, it can also lead me to disease or great physical discomfort. It can dictate in one way or another 'Don't express yourself, don't vent. Hold onto that tension, so as not to challenge anyone or upset them'. So, we can hold onto it and hold on and hold on until we can eventually feel it. You know those times where you can feel the tension in your neck, shoulders and even head (tension headache). Still, this aspect of our self may dictate 'Suck it up, don't vent and upset anyone', for the people pleaser in us aims to please, that's it nature. It'll please anyone but our self.

We can spend the whole of our life up to a point channeling the people pleaser in us until an aspect such as 'the inner sage' begins to come to life. Then the dialogue starts to change. While the people pleaser insists we don't confront or challenge a person who chooses to degrade us, the sage in us may say 'You need to challenge them, call them out on their depressing behaviour, yet remain fully conscious of how you go about doing it'.

I've come to believe 'the inner sage' is one self loving aspect when it comes to who we are. It's a part of the whole of who we are. 49 years of being loved by someone who sees and acknowledges all parts of you is a beautiful thing.