Constantly in this negative train

[PocketRocket88]

TW Suicidal ideations, urges

I honestly don't know where else to get help from... My local hospital seemed to not take the necessary step to help me out with my problem... Whenever I present to their ED they just do all the ED stuff and then just discharges me even when I still pose a risk to myself... I even verbalise to them directly that I am not safe to go home... I feel so rejected and defeated right now... I'm actually afraid to go home nowadays coz of how strong my ideations and urges are lately... Plus how vivid these ideations are... I have community mental health support but I just feel that I'm not supported enough or for them my problem is not as bad as I feel or imagine it to be...

I feel like I'm going more mental and that I'm making all these things up... The only way I sort off have to keep myself safe is by either forcing myself to sleep as soon as I get home or if I'm just at home OR I have to keep busy with work (which depends on how much shift they'd give me)... I am trying to take on a new hobby which is bejewelling a portrait of a rose that I bought in Big W the other day... I can only do so much, so what do I do when I ran out of options to distract myself? Or what do I do when I'm so stuck in my head that I can't stop myself from going thru the plan which btw is always in play it's just a matter of trying to put it off every waking day...

ive been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety. I was on meds but due to conflicting information between different doctors I decided to stop taking them for months now... Due to a very limited number of psychology sessions under Medicare, I had to spread my appointment very thin specially now that I'm only left with 4-5 sessions for the year... Just got approved for NDIS funding just waiting for the allocation of budget. I have a community mental health support worker that's under my local hospital... Even with all these I still feel unheard, ignored and/or not taken seriously specially when my suicide plan is pretty serious... Also I live alone so if I do anything without telling someone no one would ever know... It scares me a little bit but each time I get rejected and ignored my fear seemed to slowly disappears and I know that one day I won't be scared I. Feeling this way because I feel exhausted

[Sophie_M]

Hi PocketRocket88,

Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing this here. We can hear you’ve been dealing with self-harm and thoughts of suicide for a while, and we can hear it's been really difficult finding the right support. Please know that you deserve to feel better, you deserve to be safe, and this community hears you. It’s incredibly strong and resilient to have shared what’s going on with us here.   

We’re reaching out to you privately to offer some support. In the meantime, we’d really strongly encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are really good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support. You can also reach out online, here.

Another option would be ringing Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), who can talk things through with you, and help you to plan for your safety. The Beyond Blue safety planning app, Beyond Now might be worth looking at, too. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone.

As you have mentioned, when feeling unable to avoid acting on thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. This is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

We’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for your bravery and openness in sharing what's going on for you here, PocketRocket88.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Petal22]

Hi PocketRocket88,

I'm so sorry you are going through this and also feel unheard by your recent attempts for help I understand the frustration and exhaustion.

SophieM has given you some great advice.

Have you thought about going back to your gp and letting them know how your currently feeling? You could discuss medication too if you want to. I was put on a antidepressant to help me to manage my anxiety.

I understand how exhausting it is to be stuck in your head I have a lived experience of severe anxiety OCD I was always stuck in my head with alot of what if questions? I never wanted to act out my thoughts they just caused me a lot of distress.... they terrified me.

In the early stages of my condition I use to try to sleep so I didn't have to be confronted by the thoughts because they scared me so much I didn't know what my mind was going to come up with next and it terrified me.

Have you ever tried meditation? I found this to be a saving grace for me because it taught me that I'm not my thoughts but the watcher of my thoughts, I no longer identified with them.

I also did a lot of therapy that helped me with my recovery, are you doing a certain therapy?

My psychiatrist diagnosed me, have you seen a psychiatrist for what you are currently going through?

It's great that you are trying to keep busy and taking up new hobbies.

We are here to support you PocketRocket88 please stay with us your a valuable human being and we hear you.

[PocketRocket88]

TW suicidal ideations and urges

here I am again, on this constant loop that I couldn’t seem to get off… not too long ago I was taken to hospital coz I tried to take my own life… I got released within a couple of hours… i kept myself preoccupied with my mate these past few days and now I’m home alone with all these ideations and urges…. The ideations are very real to me, the urges are up there too… 

funny thing is I’m afraid to come home but I’m not afraid to hurt myself… what do I do?

[Sophie_M]

Hey PocketRocket88,

Thank you for sharing an update here. We're sorry to hear you're struggling with ideations and urges right now. It's really important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero), or present to the nearest hospital's emergency department.

We are concerned about you, and so one of our team will be reaching out to you shortly to offer some support. We'd strongly urge you to reach out to us directly on 1300 22 4636, or get in touch with our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14. 

It is so powerful of you to have been able to share this here. Thank you, PocketRocket88. We're listening. Please share a bit more about what's going on for you if you feel comfortable, or if you'd like to share what helped you through last time, our community would love to hear. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi PocketRocket88

What you're facing sounds so incredibly overwhelming. My heart goes out to you as you work so hard to make sense of it and manage it.

You mention a number of incredibly challenging factors when it comes to you trying to manage. In managing to stay out of depression (left long term depression behind me some years ago), some of the factors you face are ones I'm coming to learn to manage myself. Not saying I'm a master at managing, far from it at times. It's a process toward self mastery. To name a few

1. Living alone is something I can't do easily. Whether it involves physically living alone or mentally living alone (without reaching out for help), both offer challenges. I suppose it comes down to having too much time to our self, which can be a dangerous thing at times. Not living with a constructive 'leader' in our lives means not existing with someone who holds the ability to lead us out of where we are in our head, while leading us to make sense of how we came to find our self there in the first place
2. Not having the most constructive guidance is another factor. This is not just about no one guiding, it's also about the people who guide us in the wrong direction. Things can head south when we've got folk who are focused on what's 'wrong' with us. I've found true north is more so about coming to understand why we tick the way we do. For example, folk can say 'You're too sensitive' and 'You overthink everything'. Makes more sense to ask 'What are all the things I'm sensing?' and 'What am I trying to analyse the hell out of?'. There are perks when it comes to being a sensitive and an analyst. Unfortunately, these abilities don't come with an instruction manual
3. I've found 'To be in 2 minds' is not simply a harmless saying. In a deeper sense, it can become like a form of torture as an internal battle rages on, sometimes between life and death. I've found employing the exercise of determination can sometimes help a little. You know that old saying 'Angel on one shoulder, devil on the other'. Determining whether the internal dialogue is angelic or devilish can help with remaining conscious of how I'm ticking. Hell on earth or heaven on earth, no need to state which one depression is at times.

[PocketRocket88]

TW SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND URGES

Every single day I wake up hoping that today will be different… a day without any troubles, a day without these nagging suicidal ideation and pesky urges. All I ask is one day why is it so hard to have one good normal day… every day is a constant battle between my physical self and my mental self… I feel that slowly I am slipping deeper into the dark side… my ideations feels real… the urge seems to linger longer than usual… fighting it Is getting harder by the minute… I feel like I’m nearly at my wits end in battling this problem… I just want to be free… is that too much to ask??? I’m slowly slipping away and I can’t hang on anymore… I want to just let go and let it be… whatever happens happens, I’m ready for the consequence of my actions… 

[Sophie_M]

Hey PocketRocket88,

We can hear you're in an extremely difficult space right now. Thank you for sharing this update here - we know it's not easy to share this, but it can be a realyl powerful step towards feeling better, and staying safe. 

We’ve reached out to you privately to offer some support. If you'd like to reach the time directly, you can call or webchat the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 - we'd love to hear from you. We are available 24/7 and the team are really great to talk to when you're feeling like this. 

We can hear you're really hoping and looking for a day without these urges and thoughts. One good way to explore how you can stay safe while dealing with them is Safety Planning.You can read about how it works and download the Beyon Now safety planning app here. You can even call Lifeline on 13 11 14 and compete it together with one of their counsellors over the phone - we'd highly recommend doing this. At any point if you're feeling unsafe, or feeling like you may be unable to avoid acting on thoughts of suicide or self-harm, the number to call is 000 (triple zero).

Hopefully, we’ll hear from the community once they spot your post. Maybe you could share a bit more about what a different day, where you're not feeling stuck in this loop, would look like? Or what might help you get there? We think the community would be really interested to hear that, and may be able to share they're own perspectives with you.

We think it's really great that you could share here, and you never know who will feel less alone because of your post. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi PocketRocket88

The absolute depths of depression is a truly torturous place to find our self in. I won't sugar coat it; it's the darkest part and the loneliest part of depression. It's the most hopeless place. I know it may not help but I'm there with you. I'm there feeling for you so deeply, in so many ways. I've been there and I don't want you to be there alone.

With all that has come to weigh you down over time, what weight would you remove first, if you had to, if you had no choice? What would be the first thing you would let go of? Would it be the expectations others have of you? Would it be the way you've come to wrongly label yourself? Would it be perhaps the sense of hopelessness others have given to you over time, through their words, lack of words, actions or inaction? If you knew letting go of one single weight would begin a process, which weight would you choose first? 

[PocketRocket88]

TW STRONG SUICIDAL IDEATIONS AND URGES

My ideal or 'normal' kind of day is when I wake up to a gorgeous sunny day, not too hot but not too cold. To have a clear mind, no troubles or worries, with nothing to do but whatever comes to mind at that moment. Nothing can and stop all the possibilities ahead of me. I feel a sense of inner peace and calmness with a sprinkle of joy/happiness. I would also like to be with my family...

But that seemed it be just a distant dream or wishful thinking... I don't know if I can fight anymore ... Coz I always end up asking myself why bother when everything leads here anyways so why resist when all paths leads to this in the end... 

The Hope jar is empty and I don't know if I'll be able to ever fill it up again...