I am losing any reasons to keep it together... Here's why:
1. I got no friends because people seems to have just used and abused my generosity and kindness
2. Lost trust in humanity, I trusted the wrong people
3. Lost my job just because a welfare check done by the cops whilst I was at work. Company sacked me immediately without having a discussion of whats going on not how I am.
4. A Next to non existent relationship with my family: I accept that when mum was still alive I wasn't present much but thats because whenever I come visit them, we almost always end up in an argument but I try and understand that everyone is trying to look after mum who had an early onset of dementia. No one try asked how much I was hurting whenever I see her because it's me grieving that piece that she lost each time.. And I try and understand that everyone is stressed about her. I am judged of my bad habits, the bad life choices or the job I do. Theyve been pushing me to be a nurse which I aren't passionate anymore. I am a proud aunty of 2 beautiful kids with the 3rd one on the way pretty soon. When the 3rd baby arrives more than likely I won't be meet the baby because my sister wouldn't allow me to see and spend time with my nephew and niece for 2years now... Because of my sister not allowing me to be within her property, Our 93 year old dad would have to drive out to the station to pick me up just so we can spend time together... There are times that I feel like I am worthy of their time and don't want to be an inconvenient to my dad if he doesn't really want to come up.
5. A long time sufferer of my bad habit and have been to 4 rehabs and each one have discharged me because of me being a high risk for suicide. Just proves that my bad habit isn't the reason why I feel suicidal because when I am clean I still struggle with it.
6. The awful treatment of my local hospital staffs. I always be left on a recliner in the ambulance bay without any medical tests done specially when I have overdosed as well as barely a nurse interaction even just to say hi. They have labelled me as a aggressive, abusive, a liability, hard to look after, and unfixable. They don't even honor the section which means I can just walk out in front of the staff and they won't do a single thing. They labelled me as manipulative and that my 'issue's aren't real. Got assaulted multiple times by the securities. I don't even see the mental health team at all. No follow up in the community, then my local hospital took it upon themselves to send this care plan that never worked and wouldn't have that conversation of it., it took me a year to realise that such care plan was created with out conversing with me.
7. The emergency services mocking me, allowing the hospital staff treat me like that. As well as them treating me the same way.
I might lose my temper here and there but it's because of me feeling that I am not worthy of their care and time. Be rejected which instead of de-escalating the situation they seem to pile on top of my already high distress. If I I then react in a way that everyone doesn't want, they end up either charging me or restrain me chemically and physically., sometimes be handcuffed and be transported by the Paddy wagon in the cage and not at the back seat of the cop car.
I am feeling hopeless because I feel unworthy of everyone's time and that everyone has basically gave up on me... So now I gave up on me too... No matter what I do things won't get any better and that to be six feet under is where I belong... I feel that I am wasting their time from someone who they would rather help than me. I have been reminded of that all the time...
I don't know what everyone wants me to do just so I can possibly receive the right support to lessen my ED presentation s.
