When family say hurtful things. Trigger warning *mention of suicide

[Shy_beyond_all_reason]

So I was having a discussion with my parents about something I had just read about. Mum doesn't want to hear about anything that goes against the covid narrative but that's just for reference. Anyway mum asked me where I was getting my info from but knowing that would start an argument I didn't answer. Dad and I kept talking about the topic at hand. Mum then said to me, why don't you s%^$# yourself and then you won't have to worry about it 😯 

I love my Mum more than life itself but I couldn't believe she would say such a thing! She doesn't know I struggle with self harm or that I have been suicidal in the past but what a thing to say to your child even if they are an adult.

Thankfully I have an appointment with my psych next Monday so I can move past this but I just needed to tell someone as her comment has triggered me and I just need to write this out.

I don't mean any malice or anger towards my Mum, I still love her I'm just really hurt and shocked by it.

[Shy_beyond_all_reason]

Just for clarity, when I say "covid narrative" I mean, I told Mum last year that they were going to bring in Vax passports, her reply was that will never happen. We know it did albeit briefly but still. I told her they were already planning the booster shots last year for December (they ended up being available in November I think) anyway, her reply was we'll see if that happens... it did. Last night I was telling her they're going to put crickets on the shelves in the supermarkets in Australia because they want us to eat bugs as an alternative protein and eat less meat. Because she hasn't seen any on the shelves, she wanted to know where I got my info from. It's on an ABC news article which isn'twhere Ifirst got the info from but I digress. So that's what I mean by that comment.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Shy_beyond_all_reason,

It is excellent to see you using our forum to process your confusion and frustration to help you maintain your mental and emotional health until your next session with your psych. This is a wonderful use of our supportive community.

We understand that the following goes on inside our brains. Our families often confuse, hurt, and frustrate us because we feel inside that if anyone could possibly understand us, it would be our family. After all, we grew up with them. We spent all of our formative years with them. Therefore, we should expect that they automatically understand us.

It is our understanding that the reality is, however, much more nuanced. Our own personality provides us an overarching general focus, which is honed by our physical, psychological, and emotional environment influences whilst we were growing up. These are usually quite different from what our parents experienced when they were growing up.

So, how can we communicate at all? Our understanding is that the best way is to be curious about how other people understand things. Curiousity doesn't mean we need to agree, it means we are interested in each other because we are different, and these differences make us interesting.

Please remember, whenever you become really upset by the views of a family member, or anyone else for that matter, and you need to process because you are feeling hurt and misunderstood, our nonjudgemental mental health professionals are available for a quick chat on 1300 22 4636, any time, day or night. Lifeline is also available on 13 11 14.

Warm regards,

Sophie m.
 

[Croix]

Dear Shy_beyond_all_reason~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here, it's a good move - you needed to talk about your mum's most inappropriate and hurtful reply, and at the same time might find others, if you look around, who too have been shocked by their parents.

Before I go further I'm glad to see you have medical support and the confidence in them to talk about this. I've found comfort in having a psych to rely upon and talk about anything I need (suicidal too though now in a pretty good place).

Parents of course hold a special place in our hearts and in our lives and it is sort of built in that they will do the right thing, to love us and be an example.

The hard part comes when they fall short. In this case a double whammy becuse she  unintentionally referred to your suicidal experiences as well as making an unfeeling remark and by her short sighted view of Covid precautions.

So by coming here I'm sure you have done the right thing, it must have been a real let-down. Maybe even discourage you from talking to your parents about problems - which is sad.

Now you said you had a conversation with your Dad, is he more reasonable and discusses things with you OK? I do hope so

If you find your mind dwelling on this do please do what Sophie says and sing out straight away, if you are under 25 the Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800) is great for a phone call or if you prefer a web-chat. Of course we are here too 24/7 as is Lifeline (Both have web-chat as well as phone lines)

It can be a hard time, so I do hope you come back and we can talk some more

Croix

[Shy_beyond_all_reason]

Hi Sophie,

Thank you for your reply. Some great insight in your reply to help me see a different perspective on things. Your words have been very helpful to me, I appreciate it.

Shy one

[Shy_beyond_all_reason]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for your reply, also full of good advice and perspective. Also thank you for the welcome, both of you 🙂 this feels like a really supportive community here.

Yes, having a psych that I can rely on and talk through anything with is a great comfort to me too. It helps with sorting out thoughts when there's too much going on in my head or to see a different way of looking at things, ways that I wouldn't have thought of on my own.

My gp is also very good when it comes to my mental health. Both my gp and psych are working together to help me which has been good.

It is very hard, my parents are everything to me so it hurt a lot. It does make me not want to talk to either of them about much but hopefully I'll feel better about it soon.

No unfortunately Dad isn't much better,  I was actually surprised that he didn't go against me on the subject.

I'm well over 25 lol. I'm not good on the phone due to my social anxiety. But I will look into the Web chat if things get a bit much before my appointments (I also have an appointment with my gp this week)

I would like to update you both, I've still been talking to Mum and tonight when I went to visit, she gave me a hug and apologised for being mean to me the other night (her words) so that was good.

[Croix]

Dear Shy One~

A little time has passed and if I'm right you have seen both your GP and psych by now which may have helped you, though I'd think the biggest thing is your mum giving you a hug and letting you know she realized she had been hurtful and apologized.

Although that does not completely wipe away what happened it can go a long way to healing the distance between you, at least you know she cares about you.

It also means you can see she does have some idea about the consequences of her actions. It may help you to feel she is more of the sort of parent you need and expect.

It's a pity you cannot confide in a parent and get support. I kow you said the had no idea of the struggle you have had with self-harm and suicide. Do you think you will ever be close enough ot you mum to talk about it? Support at the exact time one is overwhelmed makes a huge difference, well that's what I've found myself.

Croix