It shouldn’t be this hard

[allthecolours]

Hello

I am struggling to find hope and I don’t know why it is so hard. 

I have just come out of a long term relationship with the man I thought I would end up with. I moved cities, forgave  lies, forgave him when he left me in a room to do drugs while I had an abortion, calling the police while I had a cigarette to avoid his alcohol psychosis - due to the constant begging for forgiveness and the empty promises. All of it took years of recovery and ended when he told me he couldn’t deal with his actions and he wasn’t okay when he entered the relationship. He tried still but I couldn’t be with someone who was unsure he could be with me and wanted to set him

on a path to find his happiness as he expressed. A bruised ego shows no soul and no respect, or so it seems.

I now find myself leaving the home I created with nowhere of my own to go, a career that suffered at the expense of his and am now being sexually harassed at work.

I have no energy left to keep on trying. I tried for so long. Why won’t this end? All I can think about is the peace of death but my family would never recover. I don’t really know what I’m asking for other than a safe space and hopefully some helpful words, because I can’t go on like this.

everyday I think about death and every day I breathe, I feel like the oxygen is almost gone

[Sophie_M]

Dear allthecolours,

Thank you for posting to the forum tonight and welcome to our wonderful online community. We're so sorry to hear you're struggling to find hope atm, and hear that you're questioning why you're finding it so hard right now while at the same time feeling betrayed about the way you were treated in your relationship.

It sounds like you've given so much of yourself, and you're grieving doing that as well as grieving the loss of the relationship including all of your hopes and dreams around where you really wanted it to go.

What you're experiencing is incredibly difficult and we extend our hearts to you as you go through this incredibly painful process of heartbreak and trying to find yourself a safe space to heal.

We've reached out to you privately tonight, so please check your inbox.

If at any time you do find the pain too hard to take and find yourself at risk, please don't hesitate to reach out allthecolours - we're here for you (phone 1300 22 4636 or online chat) 24/7.

You might benefit from talking with our friends at 1800 Respect (phone 1800 737 732) as well, as it sounds as though you have experienced emotional trauma, and you might benefit from chatting with them about this.

Wishing you lots of love, comfort, safety and support.

Hope to hear from you soon, Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Petal22]

Hi all the colours,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

Im sorry for what you have been through I understand this must be so hard.

You are a very forgiving person.

Do you have any family that you can confide in?

Im sorry you are being sexually harassed at work this shouldn’t be tolerated have you thought about speaking to your manager about this?

There is always hope really there is you just need to believe it’s there, things will improve for you.

You could have a chat to your gp about the way you are feeling.