What do u do when u can't get help

[Bigdog72]

1. Due to PTSD caused by sexual abuse i live constantly with dark thoughts. No a day goes by that i dont think of ending it all. I keep fighting but it gets harder n harder everyday. I have been to my gp and have a mental heath plan but due to living im a regional area and being on a careers pension i cant afford to pay to get help. My dr has sent out alot of referals and cant get me in to see anyone. Presented to hospital a few times which is a 100km drive one way and they just send me home saying u seem ok now. No sure how to get help anymore. Im getting scared that on my own i wont be able to keep fighting. Only thing i think lefyt is to harm myself to get the help. I know this is not something i should be thinking but quickly running out of options. Im sorry to dump this on here i know in the end is my problem to deal with as it has always been. I do appreciate u all.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Bigdog72,

Welcome and really glad you reached out here for support. I’m really sorry hearing what you’ve been through.

There’s a few resources I can suggest. I’ve had a tough evening myself and ended up calling the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467. I found it helpful just to be grounded by talking with another human. It took half an hour to get through but I actually just really rested while waiting and got through eventually. There is Lifeline too on 13 11 14. Both services are available 24/7. It can just help you settle and feel more resourced within yourself. The other people you could call are The Blue Knot Foundation available 9am-5pm each day (eastern states time). They deal with Complex PTSD specifically including sexual abuse so they could be good to chat to and explain how you’re feeling and your situation to them. Their number is 1300 657 380. They talk for 30-45 minutes.

I’m in a regional area too and I understand it’s really difficult getting mental health assistance regionally. I actually see a psychologist via Telehealth and it works out fine. How is your internet connection where you are? And do you have a computer you can use? Or you could use your phone. I use FaceTime or we used Zoom once when that failed. It’s worked out well despite not being in the same room. So I was thinking that may be a way for you to be able to access support from home. It would expand your options in terms of the psych professionals you can see. Perhaps your GP could look into that or you could also do some internet research on finding a trauma-informed psychologist who might be a good fit for you and does Telehealth. There may be access to help from someone like a social worker too based on your regional area. I’m wondering if that’s something your GP could also look into. 

It’s incredibly tough feeling isolated and dealing with trauma. But if you can get in with someone who can support you it can be the beginning of gradually working through things and healing. I’m only really bad at the moment because of severe hormonal depression that’s very much a biochemical thing, but overall I have started to heal my own childhood trauma and make real progress. It’s never too late for that to happen.

We are here and listening whenever you need to chat. Please feel free to talk anytime. You are important and of value.

Take care,

ER

[Bigdog72]

Thankyou eagle ray. 

So sorry to hear u are having a tough evening to.

Thankyou so much for ur advice and contact numbers. 

Ther last resort that gp put me onto is a telehealth service for psychological services out of brisbane. I have been on there waiting list for 9 months now. 

What makes it harder is this abuse started at 11 just before i turned 12. Eventually burried it for 30 years then unlock the box in my mind i had it hidden in. Growing up in a enviroment where men dont talk about their problems we are expected to deal with it n move on. I find it very hard to talk about it. What had happened and what it caused. Especially as again being a male its embarrasing that i allowed those thing to happen to me. It makes it even hard to talk as last time i talked it unleashed the demon. Sorry im rambling.

Basicly i just wanted to say thanks

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Bigdog72,

It’s been so tough what you’ve been through. It’s a weird thing isn’t it how it surfaces at a certain time in our lives. I’ve had trauma things emerge that I’d totally buried that started coming to me in fragments before I even grasped what they were and began to remember. 

The Blue Knot Foundation could really be good to speak with as they support people with exactly the kind of thing you’ve been through. They may have some ideas for getting psychological support sooner as well. It’s so true what you say about the pressure on men to deal with it and move on. I’m female so I haven’t had quite the same pressure in that way. What is so important is knowing that none of it was your fault whatsoever. There are others who take advantage of a young person in that way and they are 100% responsible. I went through two sexual assaults in younger adulthood that were totally perpetrated against me but walked away from it thinking it must be somehow my fault. The first was by a healthcare practitioner when I was 21 and it shocks and messes with your reality. I’ve recently been dealing with surfacing somatic memories from very early childhood as well in relation to possible abuse from a relative that I only have physical body symptoms and comments from the daughter of the relative to go on, and I don’t really know why at this point. What I am learning though is the body can release trauma memories and then process and integrate those memories in a healthy way. I think when it comes to talking about it it’s important to go gently and have the support of a really compassionate therapist who is truly present with you. There are people out there who can do that and I think you can get a sense of that - when you feel ready to share in a way that feels ok for you.

Another option you could look at is doing some research yourself on therapists with experience that’s trauma-informed and relevant for you. That’s what I ended up doing. I had struggled to find the right person so I went online and searched for someone doing somatic trauma therapy, as I didn’t want to do just straight talk therapy. I found someone who did an approach I was interested in and she said she was available to see. So I went to my GP and asked for a referral with a Mental Health Care Plan. She isn’t even in the same state but it has worked out very well on Telehealth. So that is just another possibility but it depends if you feel up to doing that research yourself. I just ended up taking the situation into my own hands as I hadn’t found referrals helpful and I felt better finding a psychologist who felt like the right fit to me. But it’s possible that your GP may be looking for someone with experience relevant to you so that may be worth it if you can be connected with the right person.

Take good care anyway and perhaps try connecting with some things you find grounding, maybe hobbies or spending time in nature or whatever works for you. I started out with nature being my safe place as I’ve struggled to feel safe with people, but slowly I’m coming back into the world of people and also getting better at finding the good trustworthy people. Things can get better.

All the very best,

ER

[Bigdog72]

Thankyou eagle ray. 

I know it was my fault cause i kept going back. It was the only way i could get the drugs that i had become addicted to. 

The whole situation get the better of me when i was 14 and tried to kill my self twice. Couldnt even do that right. Thankful after that i failed. Not so thankful now. 

I blame my own stupidity way back then for the mess im in now. 

Sorry for all the negative but thats how i feel right now. Easter is always a very hard time for me. Any way thank you again. I will stop posting as i know everyone has more than enough of there own problems and sure as hell dont need me making it worse. 

I will just put that wall back up so the family dont know. I dont want to be responsible for ruining easter for them.

Sorry now im rambling again. 

Big dog

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Bigdog72,

The ages you a talking about then, starting at 11 through to 14, I really don’t see it as your fault even though you may feel that way. There were others who were older who should have been more responsible to you. I have blamed myself heaps over the years and have gradually learned things were not my fault. When we are young there are circumstances that can lead us a certain way and we are just trying to navigate life. So just wanting to send you support and maybe lift the burden a bit for you.

I totally understand putting the walls up again. I have done it many times. It’s a self-protection and it’s important to recognise your own self-protection needs. What I have found with myself is there is a kind of pendulating effect where I’m able to let the walls down just a little, close them up, let them down a bit, close again etc. But slowly overtime there’s an easing of the protective measures. I only said to my psychologist last Monday “I can feel myself wanting to curl up in a ball and I don’t want anyone to come near me”. This came after saying “I am opening up and can feel all this love”. So my system is totally going back and forth like that. But the day after I saw her I was really peaceful, like I’d released what I was holding. So you can gradually break through the walls, but it’s so important to do it at your own pace and with the right compassionate support.

I’m glad you are still here and by sharing your story you will be helping others, because it helps others to understand themselves. You’ve helped me by sharing anyway.

Take good care of yourself,

ER