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Narc partner
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Dear New Member~
I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum and wish to say how sorry I am you find yourself in this situation.
I'm afraid from what you say your partner is a conceited lazy bully with no regard for others, including you and the children. He does not appreciate that you are the one doing the heavy lifting in this relationship and expects it to continue that way.
To be treated this way and find your 'partner' regards you as some sort of lesser being is deeply upsetting, particularly as you are expected to put up with it and let him do as he please for himself rather than supporting you. I know from personal experience that an anxiety condition can make it very much harder to take any form of action.
Nobody faced with this is going to expereince it and not have some sort of reaction, and you are tempted to cope by self-harm and alcohol. Yes they are coping mechanisms but self-harm can be dangerous or even fatal if things go wrong, and I'm sure you are aware of how badly reliance on alcohol can turn out, from motor vehicle crashes to long term bodily harm to being an example to the kids.
I'm not critisising, you have enough pressure on you already (including buying a house) , and I can well understand how you feel this way, though it makes me sad. You do not deserve to be treated like this and have to resort to trying to cope anyway you can.
Taking advantage of you and belittling you is serious abuse and the longer it goes on I suspect the worse it will get. May I suggest you get some advice on your situation from the acknowledged experts on abuse, 1800RESPECT, who can offer counceling as well as a lot of information.
Although they seem to emphasize violence on their front page it does need to be physical.
In my own case my anxiety improved a lot simply becuse the cause was no longer there. May I ask if you are having any assistance for it - assistance helped me greatly?
I also wonder if you have anyone in your life, a family member or friend perhaps, who you can confide in and simply talk about how things are. Just showing they care makes a difference.
You know you will always be welcome here
Croix
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An enormous and warm welcome to you ❤️
While a certain person in a family may like to believe they're the boss, I've discovered over the years (as a wife and mother) that no one's 'the boss', everyone is really managing together. Basically, everyone's a manager of some type in different capacities.
Often the person who believes they're the boss is not a team player. A 'my way or the highway' attitude is basically self serving and typically serves no one else on the team/in the family. When it comes to self serving people, it pays to ask 'What created this type of nature?'. The reason I say this is so as to figure out exactly the type of person we're dealing with:
- Someone who was raised to have their own way is conditioned into having their own way as an adult. In other words 'Nothing's changed'. They're a brat who still has tantrums if they don't get their own way
- Someone who can't manage mentally and emotionally through a lack of control feels they must always have control in order to manage. A way to maintain control involves managing everything and everyone around them
- Someone who lacks self esteem may gain a deluded sense of self esteem by stepping on others in order to boost themself up onto a pedestal
- Someone who does not have the ability or the skills needed to feel for others may only be able to feel for themself and therefor serve themself
- Someone who was conditioned through example (their parent's behaviour) has been taught how to serve themself. 'The father/husband is always the boss' mentality
and the list goes on. Each type of person can be managed differently.
As I say, everyone in the family is a manager of something. It was actually my 22yo daughter who managed to gradually wake me up to her father's behaviour. Over the years she's led me to question a lot and, in the process, I've developed a greater sense of confidence in my marriage. She's a brilliant manager in the way of leading people to greater consciousness. I used to dread or fear raising certain issues with my husband until my daughter led me to question what I dread or fear. The answer was confrontation. I was no master of confrontation until I began to master it. Still not a complete master in life but getting there 😁. The people pleaser in me was another issue. This part of me used to lead me to seek permission. Stuff like 'I'd like the kids to be able to do this...' or 'I think it's a good idea we do that'. I'd often be looking for my husband to agree or looking for some form of validation, that my idea was a good one. Either something, within reason, is a brilliant idea or it's not. I don't always need permission to follow through with a brilliant idea. If it's affordable and isn't going to do any harm, why not? Let our brilliance shine while others bask in the benefits of us having brought great ideas to life. The key thing, above all else, involves a healthy degree of intolerance. The one thing that challenged my mental health in my marriage involved tolerating what was depressing and stressful for me. It's amazing just how damaging suppression can be.
I've found dealing with somewhat of a narcissist involves self questioning and self development. As an ex emotional drinker, I used to drink to help me 'manage' my emotions. Drinking tended to fuel depression for me, which didn't help matters. The challenges in the marriage and the ones that were related to the need for self development were still there when I wasn't drinking. They were always going to be there until I began to seriously address them. I should add, I knew there was never going to be a threat of physical violence from my husband, as that's just not in his nature. With physical threat or physical violence, this is a whole other story that needs serious addressing.
