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TW: Depression, Self harm and SI

Lozza90
Community Member

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. I feel completely and utterly broken. I feel like there is this deep emptiness inside and I just don't feel anything. I've been battling some really intense and intrusive thoughts and I just don't feel like I have any fight left inside of me. All I can think about is hurting myself...or 'worse'... my mind won't stop...

 

Because what's the point in carrying on when I feel like this and it isn't shifting....I'm sick of dealing with depression, anxiety, c-ptsd and bpd....overall, I'm sick of dealing with myself...

 

😨

75 Replies 75

Lozza90
Community Member

This feeling is isolating. Its scary. But there's no escape. I try to keep it all inside but it's breaking me. I can't keep going.....

Lozza90
Community Member

What is wrong with me???

 

The other night, I got myself into such a state and ended up attempting to end my life.  I was alone, completely unstable on my feet, out of my mind, and anything could have happened to me.  I had suicide on my mind. I did end up at hospital but was left to go home a few hours after. By that point, I had calmed down. But how is that I still think about doing it again? But I have even worse things that run through my mind. I have been incredibly stressed, depressed and overall fed up with my life. I feel so alone and isolated. It does scare me with where my mind goes but at the same time I find myself just wanting to be free...

sbella02
Community Champion
Community Champion

Lozza90,

 

I can see that you're really struggling here. My heart breaks for you. I can understand the pain, I've been there many times and it can feel incredibly hopeless. I really encourage you to hold onto hope, I know that it's difficult. 

 

May I ask, what activities or situations bring you comfort or joy in your life? Any hobbies or passions, anything that you would do when you were younger that you really enjoyed?

 

These are the kinds of things that can keep us going day-to-day, the kinds of things that we can look forward to. The kinds of things that we can get completely immersed in, which can help us process some of our more difficult feelings and emotions. For me, this is creative writing, singing, dancing, painting. 

 

I'll once again recommend the Lifeline number to you, having called it before, I can tell you that they're very patient, understanding and willing to listen to anything that you have to say. You can reach them on 13 11 14

 

Please stay chatting with us, we want to support you and we will continue to support you if you allow us to help you. 🙂

 

All my best, SB

Lozza90
Community Member
Its 230am and i cannot rest despite feeling mentally exhausted. there has been a lot rattling around in my head but its the intense and intrusive thoughts that i cant seem to keep at bay. its harder and harder to deal with. i cant go on like this.

Hi, welcome

 

So glad you're here.  Many of us have been there and we reach out to explain factors of relevance.

 

"I have been incredibly stressed, depressed and overall fed up with my life."  That sums up a lot. So what can you do, what is your capacity to avoid a repeat? This is the most important question. Firstly, you might not have the ability to cope alone to maintain such avoidance. A blend is often the best- Regular GP visits, Therapy, medication, relaxation, changes like employment, environment, relationships and diet/fitness. Lots of reading helps- put a topic in the search bar here. 

 

During these measures you might need to do radical things. Eg a relative might be toxic that pushes your emotions too far, that might need separation. A job might have toxicity and you need to get another one. Alcohol is taken might need eliminating and so on. In short radical measures is wisely considered can reduce any repeat and they are worth it.

 

During such traumatic events it is nearly impossible to realise that it is temporary. As you found you calmed down over time then reflected. Your "...still think about doing it again" comment is the residue of your actions and lack of changes to your life that has driven you towards your thoughts. 

 

Carrying out radical or minor changes you can do yourself and that can be significant however ongoing psych treatment might well be needed to ensure your good mental health.

 

"...I find myself just wanting to be free..." I cant analyse too much but there is likely something in this worth pursuing. Are you feeling contained? Free from what? Obligations?

 

I'm here most days and others might comment. 

TonyWK

Hi again,

 

I've answered your other post Lozza. Again I'm happy you posted even in the early hours. You can do that 24/7/365 which is a great service. 

 

Ever tried writing at such a time? I write poetry that helps. I watch videos that are listed below.  TonyWK

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-peDvmjkF6s

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3aFh7OJMNA 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpfuMFsBgNk

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X30sWycWz4o

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kkpXlGY_zY 

Lozza90
Community Member

Having strong urges 😨 So much rattling around my head (so much going on atm) and I can't keep up. No one to talk to either. I can't do this. 

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello.

 

'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with such strong urges and feeling overwhelmed with everything that's going on in your head. It can be incredibly tough to deal with these kinds of intense emotions without anyone to talk to.

 

Please know that you're not alone, and there are people who care and are here to listen.  Have you tried contacting someone from Beyond Blue or Lifeline?

 

You are important. Remember to be kind to yourself and take things one step at a time. You can get through this.

I’m at the same boat… but what to do aye? Tell me what helped you and then maybe I’ll give it a go myself but right now I’m over this crappy feeling., when does it ever get better?

Lozza90
Community Member

Thought of the day: I don't want to be a part of this world anymore. This world has broken me. I can't take it anymore 🫥