TW: Depression, Self harm and SI

[Lozza90]

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. I feel completely and utterly broken. I feel like there is this deep emptiness inside and I just don't feel anything. I've been battling some really intense and intrusive thoughts and I just don't feel like I have any fight left inside of me. All I can think about is hurting myself...or 'worse'... my mind won't stop...

Because what's the point in carrying on when I feel like this and it isn't shifting....I'm sick of dealing with depression, anxiety, c-ptsd and bpd....overall, I'm sick of dealing with myself...

😨

[Lozza90]

I feel like I have exhausted all options and yet Ive got absolutely no where. I am not coping and yet I'm on my own in all of this. I don't want to feel like this but I do. I have lost all hope. I sound like a broken record when I speak. I saw a poster a while back and it said silence + overdose = a silent killer. And yes it is. But what other choice do I have other than to take things into my own hands. I have repeatedly tried and when I've been like ok maybe the next person will help or put me in the right direction, but it's the same thing every time. Online chats are scripted responses (or on the phone), the doctor will barely speak to me, I'm not linked in with any mental health services. I am on my own. But I'm scared because there's so much darkness in my mind and I feel like I'm being urged to take action. I am on the absolute edge. It's like the ground has crumbled beneath me. Silence is going to be a killer but it's not like I haven't spoken out. I don't have the energy to try anymore. I might as well just let the silence absorb me. I don't even feel like 'one more try, one more conversation' it's utterly pointless and that makes me so sad. I wouldn't want anyone else to feel like this and im sorry if others do. This is no life to live. No one (including myself) should be feeling like this...but this is the reality and apparently it doesn't matter....

[Lozza90]

I don't think I can do this anymore....I'm not coping, just struggling.

In fact, I know I can't 

[Azzamosis]

I feel you , 2023 has been such a kick in the face. Especially if you’re not rich , everyone’s too worried about finances to stop for one minute and think about those that are struggling. The best thing we can do as a collective is try and support each other. We’re all in the same boat , everything has become too overwhelming. We can’t see things can any better soon. I feel the same it took me most of 2022 to get on top of things and now this year has taken it all away again. I’ve lost my faith in friends and family. Now I’m here trying to find a positive out of all this negative. And that positive is that those of us feeling drained of energy with no one to turn to , can be here for each other. Only we know the true feeling of pain and only we can empathise with each other , maybe to share the burden maybe to just to know someone else out there feels the same. We’re all strangers here but we’ve all felt the same feelings. We need to connect with each other and find a positive solution to what we’re going through . Your not alone . ♥️

[sbella02]

Lozza90,

Thank you for reaching out again. We're glad to hear from you. I hope you can find comfort in the forums.

I don't think I'll ever fully understand or comprehend how our minds can beat us down to the point of feeling so worthless. I can't even count on one hand the amount of times in my life that I've felt like this, how you have described. You've put it so eloquently. The lacking of energy, the ground crumbling beneath you...

It does matter. You matter. Whether your mind will allow you to believe it or not, you matter. You have so much potential as a human being, as all human beings do. We've been given so many gifts, and tapping into them is such an exciting part of exploring who we are. I know it's difficult to think like this when you're in the midst of feeling hopeless. Believe me, I've been there.

Your words rang true for me about six months ago, when I'd been dealing with some of the worst social situations I'd ever experienced in my life, and will hopefully never have to experience again. Life felt pointless. I couldn't bring myself to do anything. I didn't want to leave my bed. My psychologist would tell me things and I couldn't find it in me to believe her. It felt like the world was against me and there was not much hope for the future.

All I can do for you here is advocate that things can get better, if you allow them to. There are people in the world who love and care about you, and there are people who will commit themselves to helping you feel better and return to a place where you feel hopeful and motivated. Trust me, it's worth the wild goose chase to find a doctor or psychologist who understands you and is able to give you that advice that just resonates with you right. That advice that hits you so deeply that you have no choice but to accept it and try and work with it. It is possible, it can happen.

I hope this resonates with you, on some level. I understand how difficult it is to get out of a space like this that feels like pure rock bottom. As they say, it's only upwards from here. I sincerely hope that you can find that beautiful strength within you to hold onto hope. Your existence matters, and I'm here to advocate for you all the way.

Take care, beautiful Lozza.

SB

[Lozza90]

I don't think anything is going to help with this anymore. I don't know who to talk to or what to do. I don't think there is any hope. 

[smallwolf]

hello,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling like there's no hope and that you don't know who to turn to. It sounds like you're going through a really tough time right now. There's always hope, even if it may not feel like it right now. Do you want to talk about it?

[Lozza90]

I'm sick of the way I feel and the really intrusive thoughts. Ive been struggling with thoughts around self harm and suicide and I don't think I can hold off from acting on it much longer. I'm sick of it all...it's just hell in my head. I don't think cutting is going to reduce these urges but feel like I might as well just put an end to it all...I hate myself so much

[therising]

Hi Lozza

Do you get a sense of which path you need to go down at this point? It is a mental/psychological one or one that involves a more soulful kind of approach or perhaps a bit of both? I know it may sound like a strange question.

[Lozza90]

How do you deal with Self-harm urges when they feel so intense? I need that release!! I just feel frustration build up....

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Some remedies I believe, are the simple ones. When we get that frustrated we are focussed on the immediate topic, our eyes are fixed, our mind is thinking only of the subject that we are confused about, at that moment when we resort to self harm our whole world is right there, nowhere else.

Two things come to mind.

1/  Remove yourself from the scene. That's right, walk away, walk around the block, around the house, up and down the street. The amazing thing with walking is- no two walks are ever the same. You might see new flowers blooming, birds squawking, people weeding, mums pushing a pram with a baby's bright eyes staring into yours. The wonder of life can be inspiring.

2/  While doing any activity like the above introduce appreciation. Think to yourself- how lucky am I to be breathing, take deep breaths, pick a flower and present it to a stranger or your family member or why not yourself to remind you of that walk?

We are commanders of our own mind, we need to instruct that part of our frustration that it is not ok to self harm as we are also harming our family by them observing our pain. We need to protect and care for ourselves.

Finally- in years to come you could advise someone else of your success in no longer self harming. Just like I have here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgh08mZ355Q

Repost anytime

TonyWK