TW: Depression, Self harm and SI

[Lozza90]

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. I feel completely and utterly broken. I feel like there is this deep emptiness inside and I just don't feel anything. I've been battling some really intense and intrusive thoughts and I just don't feel like I have any fight left inside of me. All I can think about is hurting myself...or 'worse'... my mind won't stop...

Because what's the point in carrying on when I feel like this and it isn't shifting....I'm sick of dealing with depression, anxiety, c-ptsd and bpd....overall, I'm sick of dealing with myself...

😨

[white knight]

Hi, again Lozza.

Thankyou for your post. It can be a wake up call to some of us that have been so low as you are feeling now. 

I and many others are here to listen, when you are ready, mention your issues.

You are on bare ground, we on green grass, I've opened the gate, come my friend. 

TonyWK

[smallwolf]

Hello,

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling overwhelmed and broken by the world. I don't know what has happened and it's understandable to feel this way when facing challenging circumstances or experiences that have taken a toll on your mental and emotional health. It takes strength and courage to reach out for support, and I am here to listen and provide a safe space for you to express your thoughts and feelings. You are valued and deserving of love, compassion, and healing, and I hope part of you can see that. Listening to you...

[Lozza90]

With the way my head is. It's going to be one of those nights. I can't hold off this. I'm f sick of myself. Just want to sleep and not wake up. , idk anymore. I can't escape this s*it any other way.

[Lozza90]

Do you think it is a problem when you find it really hard to walk passed the liquor shop? They have had a great deal on and I can't let it go. I wouldn't say I'm an addict but can become dependent on booze and think that's where I'm headed again. I have also been mis-using medication to get a buzz or go on a mad trip. I think about it 24/7 and do it often because it's an escape. This perhaps has been increasing my self harm and SI. Ive kind of got to a point where I don't care anymore about myself. I think about hurting myself constantly. I feel like it's not going to be a good night

[Sophie_M]

Hi Lozza90,  Thank you for sharing an update. We’re really sorry to hear you’ve had this really difficult experience, but we’re glad you could share this here. Hopefully we’ll hear from the community soon, who may be able to offer some understand, in the meantime we've reached out to you privately. We’re reaching out to you to offer some support. If you’re struggling with thoughts or feelings about self-harm, please reach out directly either to the professionals with you there, or by giving ourselves or Lifeline a call. If you’re not able to do so, please know that we’re here, and in an emergency the number to call would be 000.  Previously, community members have mentioned an app called ‘Calm Harm’ being really helpful for managing self-harm urges, in case that’s something you’d like to have a look at.   Thanks again for your bravery and openness in sharing here.   Kind regards,   Sophie M 

[therising]

Hi Lozza

I think at times the No. 1 goal with depression is to feel a difference, so I can relate to where you're coming from. The longer a depression goes on for and/or the deeper it gets, that compulsion to feel a difference tends to become stronger. From my own experience, it can become a matter of 'I just can't go on without feeling some difference, some change'. While I used to achieve it through drinking, the down side was if I was already at rock bottom in depression, the alcohol would amplify that feeling as opposed to making it go away. Definitely a danger in that.

Without relying on drink, it's become more of a desperate trial and error kind of thing when I find myself in periods of depression. Some things work, some things make no difference and some failed strategies can make things worse to some degree. The things that make some difference might make a difference for 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days or 5 weeks, depending on how I feel those experiences and also what kind of impact they have on my physical chemistry and energy levels. A couple that can make a bit of a difference (creating a break from the sameness)

1. Cleaning out a messy storage cupboard. Once the cupboard's cleaned, every time I open the door to that cupboard I get a hit. Even if I don't want anything out of it, I'll open the door just to get a high. That strategy only lasts a few days before it wears off
2. Fragrance shopping. I have been known to drive a shop assistant a little mad while shopping for a particular emotion in a bottle. If I'm looking to feel some peace in my life, for example, I have to actually feel a sense of peace when I smell a perfume. I'll keep smelling 'til I finally feel that calming feeling. Then each morning I can spray on an 'emotion' I bought and feel how it makes me feel, even if it's just for a few minutes

While I know those examples can sound ridiculous, they still hold the ability to create or conjure a specific feeling.

Smell a scent, eat a lemon, turn the volume up on some rebel type song and dance like a person possessed, walk on the grass, roll around on the lounge room floor, whatever harmless stunts it takes to feel a difference, look for that difference.

[Lozza90]

There's lots of stuff going atm but just realised my dad has blocked me on FB. He is an unwell man (physically). Although we havent been too close (only met him when I was 14) I worry about something happening to him and not finding out if he has died or something terrible. This just brings back all the abandonment issues I have - why does this man want nothing to do with me...what did I do so wrong? Why am I not loveable?. I worry also that a family member may have said some stuff and now has brought it back on me. Because atm I have a family member intervening on my life despite me telling them to stop. They have brought up a lot about my past which includes a lot of abuse and trauma. I can't handle it. Despite having C-ptsd which has been kicking my ass, I don't want to remember or know these things. I was told recently about how family let me down in more ways than I knew (they could have stopped things, they could have gone to the police etc). I feel so hurt and I can't handle this.

[Lozza90]

I'm really p'd with myself as I didn't get any alcohol from the shop yesterday. It has been a fairly crap day and once again dealing with it in my head. I'm so confused over what to do anymore and it's all got me feeling broken and so depressed. I really need a drink....I'm not an addict and I wouldn't say I'm even dependent but I do find that I crave it more when I'm like this. I posted in this page as it does link to my depression....sick of feeling like this but I guess this is my life ...

[Croix]

Dear Lozza90~

Life has not been kind to you, depression, anxiety, c-ptsd and bpd plus a family that lets you down.I know you have not gone into what has happened in the past - not necessary here.

True self-harm and alcohol are sort of coping mechanisms, though they have their own downsides and you don't sound happy about using the alcohol anyway.

It's very easy to see the world as a grim place with nothing for you in it, that's only natural considering. Actually there is more, and it may not come form the direction you expect.

I can give you an example that means a lot to me, I was in a psych ward and not getting on well at all. The other people in there upset me greatly, the pain and thier reactions just made me think the world was worse. The staff were impersonal and no help.

One day a male nurse who was not one of the ones looking after me went home during his shift and brought me back a load of his own books. They were adolescent fantasy and I was able to escape the ward and go to a different world, with green hills and forests, castles and princesses, and villains that got thier just deserts.

OK, so I had the distraction, and believe me that made a big difference, however the bigger difference was made by another human being -a stranger- who noticed me, and went out of his way to try to help. A kindness I can't forget.

So sometimes things come out of left field and do make a difference, and widen the world.

Croix

[Lozza90]

Wtf do I need to do in this life to catch a break???? 

I'm at the end of myself...I know I need help but I can't get it... I can't catch a break and I can't win. I loose, life wins every.god.damn.time. I can't take it anymore 😵😵😵