TW: Depression, Self harm and SI

Lozza90 · ‎14-01-2023

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. I feel completely and utterly broken. I feel like there is this deep emptiness inside and I just don't feel anything. I've been battling some really intense and intrusive thoughts and I just don't feel like I have any fight left inside of me. All I can think about is hurting myself...or 'worse'... my mind won't stop...

Because what's the point in carrying on when I feel like this and it isn't shifting....I'm sick of dealing with depression, anxiety, c-ptsd and bpd....overall, I'm sick of dealing with myself...

😨

Lozza90 · ‎10-02-2023

My depression has got the better of me and I'm struggling to hold on. My family don't and don't want to understand, which hurts so much. I feel so alone and don't know who I can go to for help anymore. I feel very isolated and pressured to do well. But I'm not. It feels like it would be easier to just never wake up. I don't want to be this person and I don't want this life anymore. I don't know what else I can do. Its a nightmare and exhausting. I don't have the energy anymore.

Sophie_M · ‎10-02-2023

Hey Lozza,

Thank you for sharing an update. We're sorry to hear you're feeling alone and struggling to hold on. It sounds like an incredibly difficult time, so we are reaching out to privately to offer our support.

It's so important to reach out when you're feeling alone this way. Maybe you'd like to share here whether there are any professional supports you could connect with, such as the psychologist you've mentioned in the past, or perhaps the GP or case manager? If you're not sure who to contact, our team here at the Beyond Blue Support Service are always here for you. We're on 1300 22 4636 or online here.

Thanks again for sharing here, Lozza. As therising has said, coming here [to the Forums] as a way of managing and holding on is an incredibly powerful action. We're here if you are comfortable to keep sharing what's going on for you, and what might help.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

therising · ‎10-02-2023

Hi Lozza

Wondering whether your family have given you reasons for not wanting to better understand so many of the challenges you face. I can't help but wonder when it comes to those who have the ability to make a difference to us but choose not to for some reason. Why people choose not to develop abilities and skills in helping us is something else I wonder about.

It's definitely frustrating, putting it mildly, when those who we rely on to care for us just don't appear to care, based on their words and behaviour. I can relate when I think of someone close to me who likes to use the analogy 'Up and down like a dunny seat' when it comes to the shifts in my mood at times. The things people say and don't say (that we really need them to say) can be significant triggers that can shift our entire mood. After they've said triggering things, the blame can be put onto us for reacting the way we do. When you feel heartbreaking words, it's hard for your mood not to shift. Sometimes you gotta wonder why people can't feel what they say. What's wrong with them? I much prefer the company of deeply feeling people.

Lozza90 · ‎12-02-2023

I've been trying to push back at these thoughts, but to be honest, I don't think I want to push back anymore.

white knight · ‎12-02-2023

Hi, welcome,

I'm sorry to hear that. This site is totally anonymous and you can type away, tell us more if you dont feel pressured.

Many of us here have been where you are now and what I've noticed is in most cases when we are that down we dont believe nor even remotely think there is a future ahead of us. But honestly, any future happiness does take planning and decision making that you might not normally do.

In other words, even radical actions might be needed. I picked up a hitch hiker in 1976 from Melbourne to Adelaide and by the time we got the Adelaide I had a good idea where he was at, in that he left his wife and child as she had had an affair and he was very low, even crying in front of this stranger as I drove. Well he accepted a job at a sheep station in the far north and rang me 6 months later. He was happy, had a girlfriend and was working a cook. He then told me he'd been back home for a visit to his child and broke the ice with his ex. A complete turnaround.

I hope I can provide a rudder for your life if you'd care to post more about yourself and any problems you might want to share.

Take care

TonyWK

Lozza90 · ‎12-02-2023

I can't go into details about my story, as much as I wish I could as it would no doubt make life 'easier' to deal with and i wouldnt be so alone. But instead, I have to try and make sense of it on my own...but then it just leaves me feeling so hopeless....I can't believe what my life has become over time (and who I have become over time). I get these constant thoughts around how much easier it would be if I just wasn't here at all and how I could easily end this pain. It's very tempting....it's not that I necessarily want to die...it's more that I don't want to live.

Lozza90 · ‎14-02-2023

I have court tomorrow and I have no idea how it's going to go, but all I can think is the worse. Never in my life did I think I'd be someone who ends up in trouble with the police, let alone in court. Whilst I take accountability for my actions, my mental health (Bpd) was in control that day and totally messed up everything. This whole situation has got me not wanting to be here anymore. It's been hard not just taking these pills before hand but I still have time .what is the point when the odds are stacked up against you and life constantly tries to drag you down. This life has never been fair and I'm a fool to think it would be.

Lozza90 · ‎19-02-2023

I have been feeling very down and have been internalising it. But I'm being bombarded with SI. All I can think about is the peace I will have from what goes on in my mind. I'm sick of c-ptsd and everything else.

Lozza90 · ‎20-02-2023

Feeling incredibly heightened rn. There is too much going on in my head and too much for me to cope with. Dark thoughts running through my mind and turning into quite strong and intense urges.

Lozza90 · ‎21-02-2023

I am sick to death of there being little to no support. It has been an absolute waste of time, especially when you can't even speak to someone on the phone and particularly when they won't even change your appointment!! I have withdrawn from these 'professional supports'. Ill do it on my own, in my own way. Ive had enough of everything anyway (family don't care or understand so why would I expect anyone else to). What's the point in sticking around??