TW: Depression, Self harm and SI

Lozza90 · ‎14-01-2023

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. I feel completely and utterly broken. I feel like there is this deep emptiness inside and I just don't feel anything. I've been battling some really intense and intrusive thoughts and I just don't feel like I have any fight left inside of me. All I can think about is hurting myself...or 'worse'... my mind won't stop...

Because what's the point in carrying on when I feel like this and it isn't shifting....I'm sick of dealing with depression, anxiety, c-ptsd and bpd....overall, I'm sick of dealing with myself...

😨

white knight · ‎21-02-2023

Hi, welcome

I'm sorry you've had an adverse experience in the professional side of mental health. We aren't professional medical staff, we are Community Champions with lived experience, like yourself by with sometimes decades of walking the walk.

We are also here 24/7/365, no appointments and although I'm not discounting professional help, if your tolerance has run its course than why not chat here?

So, with an invitation must come response, up to you, can you start again and list the most important issues you have ATM?

The first thing I'd like to cover is family remote interest. It is certainly not unusual for family to show limited interest in someones mental health, why is that? It has a lot to do with the following-

They cannot see the illness unlike a broken leg
They would likely have limited knowledge or capacity to understand
They wont have the necessary skills to know what to do
They have busy lives etc So to help you we need to know more. I hope you are ok. TonyWK

Bob_22 · ‎22-02-2023

Hi Lozza90,

Welcome to the forums. I'm sorry to hear about how you're feeling. Please know if you'd like to talk to someone you can contact a counsellor here at beyond blue anytime over the phone or online: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor

What's been going on for you? If you don't want to share more that's absolutely fine. We're here if you'd like to open up or simply update us on how you're going.

Bob

smallwolf · ‎22-02-2023

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time. It can be really hard to deal with those overwhelming feelings of sadness and despair, especially when they're accompanied by thoughts of self-harm.

Please know the dark thoughts and feelings you have at the moment are not a reflection of who you are, and that they don't have to define you. You are valuable and loved, and there are people who care about you and want to support you.

Please know that there is help available, and it's okay to reach out and ask for support. Consider talking to a therapist, a trusted friend or family member, or a hotline. You don't have to go through this alone, and there is hope? Listening to you....

Lozza90 · ‎23-02-2023

Its such a dark place in my mind. There just doesn't seem to be any light anymore. I have no one to turn to and so it's just suffer in silence and in the darkness....I can't cope with this....

therising · ‎23-02-2023

Hi Lozza

With so many contributing factors in play, it's completely understandable as to why everything feels like it's spiraling completely out of control. Besides the internal dialogue being a factor in the spiral, an added factor can definitely involved a lot of mixed emotions. Rage, overwhelming hopelessness, intense anxiety, complete confusion etc can all become a part of what feels like some completely out of control tornado.

I think what has always made some difference to me over the years, when it comes to trying to manage certain mental health challenges is the question 'Do you know why?'. While so many of the shutdowns can come in the form of stuff like 'You just need to get over it' or 'You're becoming completely irrational' or 'You gotta get a grip' and on and on it goes, 'Do you know why (you're thinking the way you are and feeling the way you are)' is about opening everything up to explore every valid reason for your thoughts and feelings. When someone asks that question, not only does it feel validating but there's also some relief when finally someone's wondering with you, instead of us being left to wonder alone. There's nothing like that form of loneliness.

Do you have anyone wondering with you as you face one of the worst and most challenging times in your life? 'Why is the inner dialogue louder perhaps or why does it feel faster?' are a couple of things worth wondering about. Do you have anyone around you who can slow it down?

Lozza90 · ‎27-02-2023

I feel like I'm done with all of this now. I can't cope. There's no hope and there's no help. Just loneliness and pain. I don't want to deal with it anymore. Just go round and round in a circles that just go down into a spiral....I'm broken and surrounded by darkness. No fixing this. No point in hanging on....

Sophie_M · ‎27-02-2023

Dear Lozza90,

Thank you for continuing to trust our forum community with your concerns and for having the courage to seek support. We can hear how exhausted you are having to fight these negative thoughts and feeling understandably overwhelmed. Seeking assistance is the right step, despite feeling there is no fixing this.

As you have not discussed it here, we hope that you are engaged with regular support from a mental health professional. If not, we encourage you to investigate this as it can make a real difference. A great place to get advice and referral for an appropriate professional is through your GP, please consider engaging with them.

Feeling isolated and unable to get support or guidance can often leave us feeling surrounded by darkness and we hope that reaching out to the community acts as the first spot of light. We just wanted to provide you with some support service recommendations while you wait for the community to respond, we encourage you to contact any support helplines.

Some excellent support services to assist when experiencing negative thoughts, both with counselors available that would be willing and able to talk through your current thoughts and urges. You can contact the Suicide Callback Service (call on 1300 659 467) or Lifeline on 13 11 14 or at Lifeline. Both services specialize in assisting individuals experiencing suicidal thoughts and offering hope, please let support services be another ray of light breaking through the darkness.

We are also available anytime 24/7, we’re available via phone 1300 22 4636 or through Beyond Blue Online Chat. Beyond Blue also have a safety planning app for thoughts of suicide, please have a look: Click here for more info. You don’t have to face these thoughts and concerns on your own, we’re here for you.

Thank you again for your ongoing contributions to our supportive community sharing your experiences, we hope you find the shared insights and advice of our members helpful.

Warm regards
Sophie M

Lozza90 · ‎27-02-2023

Ive tried reaching out (services and professional supports as well as to family) and finding a way through this but I've come to the conclusion that there is none. I'm on my own and so I'll deal with it on my own and in my own way.

Lozza90 · ‎27-02-2023

Contacted lifeline (they just paraphrase everything you just said) and suicidal call back (they wiped their hands clean of me pretty quick and ended the chat on me twice). Neither were helpful. I'm done reaching out or even trying to just speak to someone...will handle this myself....

Centaured · ‎27-02-2023

Hey lozza90 I'm sorry you feel this way. It sucks when the help we need isn't the help that's often out there. There are many different types of help and services around. Worst comes to worst there's hospital, which really isn't the worst tbh.

I hope you're OK. Keep chatting here if it helps. Just remember support isn't provided instantly tho. But we are more that happy to help.