TW: Depression, Self harm and SI

[Lozza90]

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. I feel completely and utterly broken. I feel like there is this deep emptiness inside and I just don't feel anything. I've been battling some really intense and intrusive thoughts and I just don't feel like I have any fight left inside of me. All I can think about is hurting myself...or 'worse'... my mind won't stop...

Because what's the point in carrying on when I feel like this and it isn't shifting....I'm sick of dealing with depression, anxiety, c-ptsd and bpd....overall, I'm sick of dealing with myself...

😨

[therising]

Hi Lozza90

When I say I believe there is little that is more torturous than the imagination, I say this based on a number of reasons. No one speaks much of the sufferance that comes through imagination but I have found, while in depression, it is brutal and torturous, soul destroying and tearful. There can be little to see in there other than what appears as hopeless as well as what appears to be the only way out of such sufferance.

Outside of depression, the imagination can be incredible and liberating. Through it, life appears, sounds and feels completely different. If someone leads me to see some relatable difference in the future (something beyond what is depressing), it can appear in my mind as a reality I've never seen before. It will also sound and feel like a different reality, based on how the internal dialogue shifts and how emotions can be felt so differently. Whether a heavy heart or one so full of love that it hurts, both feel like heartache.

There is something in us that says, with love 'YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR!'. At times it can lead us to cry out, speak up, push people away, fix things, ignore things, hold on, try letting go, shout, stay quiet, patiently wait, search and more. I have found the one thing this part of me says above all else is 'You have got to lose yourself'. My goal becomes about losing the parts of myself I just can't live with. When it comes to how so much can be integrated into who we are (the false beliefs and opinions of others that we may come to believe are our own, the unreasonable conditions we become fed up with etc), we have to live for it's the only way we'll see our self change (through a kind of gradual disintegration) beyond all those things. Without the pain and torture held in such brutal false beliefs, we finally come to know our true self.

[Lozza90]

I cannot catch a break...only a breakdown.

With the rise of living costs and for the fact we are already drowning in debt, there is no chance. I am trying my best to better myself for me and my family by trying to go to Tafe (havent really been succeeding in this due to my MH) but now my laptop is busy. I can't feel hopeful about anything when this happens. We can barely put food on the table, fill up the car....I can't even buy a jumper for my son for school, I can't buy them what they NEED. I already have Major depressive disorder and with all this stress is it any wonder I'm drowning?!? I can't seem to get a job...I'm getting no help... nothing and I've had enough 😭😭😭 My mum's answer to everything is to buy this or whatever....she can't seem to get across the fact I DONT HAVE THE MONEY. My son's class are buying presents for their teachers and how can I explain that we cannot contribute?? He had a party at the weekend which I bought a present for but then he couldn't go as he had a cold. He has another birthday party for next weekend! I cannot do this anymore. I feel like crap. I just want to escape from this. It's awful and I know I should be thankful for what I do have, but when yourr in such a hole and scared of loosing everything, it's hard to consider blessings.

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I hope you don't mind if I concentrate on you in this post. I could talk about your mother and son but that would make this reply too long and you are too important for that.

I'm really sorry to hear about everything you're going through. It sounds like you're facing an overwhelming amount of financial stress and the pressure to provide for your family is taking a toll on you, especially considering your existing mental health struggles. It's completely understandable that you're feeling trapped and hopeless in this situation.

Struggling to make ends meet, not being able to afford basic necessities, and witnessing your son miss out on things can be incredibly distressing. It's natural to feel overwhelmed. It's important to acknowledge that your emotions are valid and that it's okay to feel like you're drowning.

Trying to improve your situation by going to Tafe is commendable, but it becomes even more challenging when you're faced with obstacles like a broken laptop. It's sad when something as essential as a working computer stands in the way of your progress.

Feeling overwhelmed and wanting to escape from this difficult situation is a natural response. It's important to remember that your feelings are valid and that it's okay to struggle and ask for help.

You mentioned that you haven't been receiving assistance, but I would encourage you to explore available resources and support networks. There might be organizations (Anglicare?) that can offer guidance, financial aid. I am not sure what skills you have or what is avaiable work wise in your area... 😞

Reaching out to local community services or seeking advice from professionals could potentially provide you with some assistance during these challenging times. I hope some of this helps because you are special.

[geoff]

Hello Lozza, I'm so sorry because expenses are enormous not only for you but for most of us.

If you are having concerns about TAFE for any reason and feel you aren't achieving what you intended out to do, then perhaps you can defer this course for the moment and apply for Centrelink payments, this will then give you discounts on electricity, water, rent assistance if you're renting, plus pharmaceutical discounts, even though this may be happening already, but it will allow you to work a certain number of hours per week.

This may help you financially without the stress of having to do exams and/or essays.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Lozza90]

So I have no sessions left with my psychologist. I have no community support. I can't go to the dr. I'm alone and I am not coping. I feel sick, my chest and stomach are tight and my head hurts. I want help but there is no way of accessing what I need.  I want to feel like me again, I want to be able to do the things I need to and the things I know I should be able to do. I have Major Depression and other things but I'm not supported or medicated. I can't do this and I am scared. There's barely any hope left inside of me...I don't want this anymore 😭😭😭😭

[Sophie_M]

Hey Lozza,

Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing this update with us. We can hear you're finding it hard to feel supported. We're sorry to hear that.

We’ve reached out to you privately to check in, offer our support, and thank you for sharing with the community here. Please consider reaching out for some more immediate support by calling the Beyond Blue on 1300 22 463. You can also reach them via webchat 24/7, here.

We wondered if you'd like to share if there's anything that's worked for you in the past for getting through moments like this? It can be really helpful to share with the community what works for you, and what you feel like you might need right now. Whether that's just a space to talk, suggestions, or shared experiences.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M