TW: Depression, Self harm and SI

[Lozza90]

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. I feel completely and utterly broken. I feel like there is this deep emptiness inside and I just don't feel anything. I've been battling some really intense and intrusive thoughts and I just don't feel like I have any fight left inside of me. All I can think about is hurting myself...or 'worse'... my mind won't stop...

Because what's the point in carrying on when I feel like this and it isn't shifting....I'm sick of dealing with depression, anxiety, c-ptsd and bpd....overall, I'm sick of dealing with myself...

😨

[ryan whatever]

I know how you feel - there's no break's. Life is out to get you. Im at the end of my tether also.  Why do we bother? 

[Croix]

Dear Lozza90 and Ryan whatever~

Yes, for sure life can seem a relentless ongoing set of pain, helplessness and loss. No argument, I have been that way too - though wiht time and all sorts of assistance am in a better place now.

When life is so bad it is only natural to seek help, and be even more discouraged if your attempts to get it are unsuccessful. Seeking help from others is sensible and can actually with perseverance do what it is supposed to. In my case eventually the right GP, psychiatrist and medications worked.

There is another side. I found my view of the world was narrowed down by my depression into just a few thoughts, all hopeless, all blaming myself as the cause, and so big they occupied all my mind and blinkered me so i could see there was more in the world than I knew. They also meant I lost all faith in outside assistance.

I found one thing I could do that actually helped, it comes in two stages. The first was to break my mind out of that constant thinking all the dark thoughts, and for that I (still) use Smiling Mind. This is a simple app - but takes practice. It is designed to get a person to concentrate on one tihng, to the exclusion of all previous thoughts.

Surprisingly it does work. There are enough built-in exercises to cater for all, including me who has the concentration of a goldfish.

When you finish you may well be calm - for a little bit

The trick is to use that little bit of calm and before it goes away have something lined up to take over, something one has enjoyed in the past or been distracted by. A chapter in a book, a specific song and singer, a particular walk outside, the list is endless

For a while the world becomes bigger place and one's pain recedes

Croix

[Lozza90]

So after a really crap few days, I have been sat home alone depressed. My marriage is over. And today I have pondered what am I doing here? I feel like I have nothing left to live for. This isn't the life I thought I'd have. This isn't life. I barely exist.  What is life with no love? I have tried, I have fought, I have stayed. But it is clear to me that I'm not meant to have happiness in this life.I know I can't make anybody love me but I honestly don't feel like I have anything to stay here for. I'm a complete and utter failure. I am a waste of oxygen. I should never of been born. Why has life kept me going but has treated me so badly? Maybe it has just wanted to watch me break. Well, well done 👏👏 you are succeeding in that.

[rubytiger]

Hi Lozza90

I feel the same way with my anxiety and depression. 

My mind never stops with those thoughts and i can never get rid of the negative ones. Even when more positive ones come in they never last.

I'm sick of dealing with it all too. 

[sbella02]

Lozza90,

I can see that this is something that continues to affect you. Your thoughts seem to really have a hold on you. I understand what it's like to feel like that. What you've said in your most recent post "what is life with no love?" struck a chord with me particularly, because that was my mindset pretty much a year ago to the day. I was fresh out of a breakup - albeit, it was my first relationship - and was confused as to who I was if not with somebody else.

Separating, splitting up, or breaking up from a romantic partner can feel absolutely miserable. Some days are worse than others, where you feel like you cannot leave your bed and could cry for as long as your tears will fall.

But on the other hand, it gives us a unique opportunity for self-exploration. We can better understand who we are away from others. It may not sound like revolutionary advice, but immersing yourself in something that you used to love doing prior to your relationship may be a good first step in your healing process. I found that in my last relationship, I lost a lot of who I was, as my partner didn't ever really encourage me to pursue my passions as he didn't have many of his own. 

What were some of the things you would enjoy doing on your own when you were younger? Would you feel up to tapping into some of these hobbies? Sport, craft, cooking, exercising, seeing friends... anything that you haven't done in a while that would ordinarily make you feel exhilerated can have a big impact on your mental health.

A key component of depression is that mental state of paralysis. You feel stuck in place. Motionless. I don't remember who gave me this advice, but a lot of the time we expect action to come before motivation. But if you try your hardest to engage in something stimulating for at least a little while, you may find that you can start to break that cycle. It may not feel comfortable, but healing takes time. Be kind to yourself, and have faith in your mind and the scope of recovery that's possible for you.

Take care, Lozza. You know we're here for you. Many of us have struggled with the same thoughts and feelings you're going through now. There's no greater resource than the experiences of others to teach us how to feel better.

SB

[Lozza90]

Feeling like I'm going through a complete mind trip. Can't deal with this anymore. Just want to sleep and not wake up. I'm just a joke. I don't recognise myself anymore. I'm a shell. I have lost myself forever. I'll never get her back.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Lozza90,

Thank you for letting us know what's going on for you right now. We're so sorry to hear you're feeling so lost. We think posting here is a really big sign of the strength you have, so thank you for taking such a powerful step. 

We are reaching out to you privately, and if you'd like to connect with our counsellors directly we're here for you, whether by email, webchat or phone. 

Thanks again for sharing this, Lozza90. We hope being here on this thread brings you some comfort. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Lozza90]

I just took some time to think and reflect after attending a funeral (online). In a way I am deeply saddened, but on the other hand, I totally get it. This person committed suicide. Something inside of them decided they couldn't take it anymore and so they left forever. I do not wish these feelings up on anyone, but I myself know what it is like.

For a while now, I have lived with this brokenness inside of me which has been leading me to believe I only have 1 option left. I have cried out, I have spoken up, ive pushed people away, Ive tried to fix things, Ive tried to ignore things, ive tried holding on, Ive tried letting go, I have shouted, Ive stayed quiet, I have waited, Ive been patient, ive tried searching, ive lost myself...I feel like ultimately there is nothing more that can be done. I feel like there is nothing left within me to stay for. This is no life. THIS IS NOT LIVING...IT IS TORTURE.

It is lonely. I have no friends (literally, not 1!!). Family don't get it and even they stay away from me. I have no job, I feel like I have no future in that space. I feel overwhelmed with the burden of life. I feel like I am trying to fit in a world where I dont belong. I want to laugh, and have fun, but I don't think that is within my reach. I spend so much time alone that I can even hear the walls talking to me. I feel like they watch and see the sadness inside. I get scared to leave the house and find it almost alien being around people in society. I see life shine from them as they walk with their friends and families with their shopping bags, their work uniform, there dinner for this evening etc.  

I am a shell of the person I once was. She checked out, no finding her again. I look in the mirror and just see the cracks, a joke of a life. I hate myself so much.  But this feeling inside is the only thing that makes sense to me right now. I am beyond hope and I am beyond help. A let down. A failure. A nobody. A fake. Purposeless. Someone who never gets it right and probably never will, because I do not fit here. I dont have hope and I don't need it either because it's just a disguise to believing things will get better and it just causes me to feel more let down. You can't fall if you're already at the bottom. You can't loose if youve already lost. This is not the life I thought I'd have. Life is cruel, unfair, hurtful and mean. 

[sbella02]

Lozza90,

I get how you're feeling. I really do. I've been at this point before, and you're right, it's pretty lonely. It feels like nobody understands or cares sometimes, and we either push people away, can't allow ourselves to get close to anybody, or are not surrounded by people who do care and will understand.

It may make you feel better if you try and do just one very small task each day that can offer you a sense of accomplishment. Whether it's making your bed, creating a shopping list or completing something around the house, these small tasks can actually give us a small sense of motivation and achievement. Albeit, it's not a long-term solution, but it can offer some short-term relief if you're seeking a way to give yourself some more motivation to do bigger things.

Small steps. Small steps lead to bigger steps. Healing is a journey, and not always a linear one.

We're here for you, as always, Lozza.

SB

[Lozza90]

I can't do this anymore. Done with this. Alone with these thoughts and theres absolutely nobody to turn to and absolutely nobody that listens or cares anyway. Wtf is the point? Why not unsubscribe???