TW: Depression, Self harm and SI

Lozza90 · ‎14-01-2023

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. I feel completely and utterly broken. I feel like there is this deep emptiness inside and I just don't feel anything. I've been battling some really intense and intrusive thoughts and I just don't feel like I have any fight left inside of me. All I can think about is hurting myself...or 'worse'... my mind won't stop...

Because what's the point in carrying on when I feel like this and it isn't shifting....I'm sick of dealing with depression, anxiety, c-ptsd and bpd....overall, I'm sick of dealing with myself...

😨

therising · ‎15-01-2023

Hi Lozza

To say it's tough when you reach a whole new level of depression is a massive understatement. Whether this is the first time or you've felt it before, I'm sure you can relate to how overwhelming it is, how unbelievably exhausting and soul destroying it feels. I feel for you so deeply as you face this deeply deeply challenging level. I've found the only way to manage this level is by not doing it alone. I'm so glad you came here as a way of managing.

Wondering if you already have the beginnings of a much needed circle of people. While myself and the others who I'm sure will come in here could be a part of that circle, is there a psychologist and/or a family member who's proven themself to be a reliable go to person in the past? Perhaps there's a friend who's always been able to lead you out of the inner dialogue or perhaps they lead you to make better sense of it. Maybe there's someone on a website you occasionally visit, who throws some wisdom and/or guidance your way, in ways that you can relate to. What does your circle look like? Do you need to begin developing one? Personally, I can't live without people who lead me to a difference when I find myself facing what's deeply depressing for me.

Could be wrong but I imagine you're a feeler, someone who can feel their thoughts, feel memories and internal dialogue. I imagine you can feel your nervous system through the things that cause you great stress. Perhaps you can feel what people say to you as well as feeling their inaction when you desperately need people to take action in leading you out of such dark times. I imagine you can feel a sense of hopelessness through a lack of answers when it comes to all the questions you desperately need answers to. There is so much that can be felt if you're a true feeler. I've found that connecting with others who are feeling their way through life is key. Those who can feel what up, down and neutral (nothingness) feels like means connecting with people who can feel where you're at. The ability to feel has both a light and dark side to it. The darker side can prove incredibly depressing at times. When you can feel no one making a difference it can be so deeply depressing.

Lozza90 · ‎20-01-2023

Trust me, I have been trying to push myself to keep going, but I am running on empty. I've spoken to my psychologist, another therapist, my GP, my case manager....but none of them are actually providing any (or much support)....well maybe, my psychologist, but I don't see her that often and with things worsening for me....I'm worried that I'm going to end up giving into these SI thoughts.

I've become so much more overwhelmed in my mind and i can't focus on anything. I feel heightened constantly. My bpd and ptsd symptoms have worsened lately and I cannot cope. All of these things make me not want to be here at all. I want it all to stop. I know I can only control what goes on inside of me, but that's the problem...all the things that go on inside of me....and I can't control them. I don't sit here asking to be reminded of traumatic events or feel like I'm being watched.

I can't do this anymore. It is all too much. I feel like I'm running on limited time.

Sophie_M · ‎20-01-2023

Dear Lozza90

Welcome back to the Beyond Blue forums, we are glad you had the bravery to post. We want to let you know that we are reaching out to you privately also to offer you some additional support this evening.

We can hear just how trapped and powerless you are feeling at the moment, it can be hard to think of a future when you cannot see a way out of your current situation but please keep in touch with your support network and remember your safety is the priority here.

In addition to speaking with your support network, we would love for you to give one of our fully trained counsellors a call for some counselling support. Our counsellors are here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our WebChat.

As we mentioned, we can hear these thoughts and feelings are intense for you so please know that our lovely friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are always there for you whenever things are feeling like too much to cope with.

Thank you again for reaching out, we will leave you in the hands of our lovely community members who will be here on your thread soon. Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.

Regards

Sophie M

Lozza90 · ‎03-02-2023

Why is it then when I have a brief moment of wanting to help myself and I go to a Dr that I get no help - i just get ignored. It seems to be hard to communicate to them, that if I don't get help, I am going to spiral down to a point where there is no coming back. I held onto hope that maybe something would shift and I would get some help, but nope. So now I'm left with feeling even more lost. I don't want this life to continue if it is just going to be like this. It's a cycle that rather than going round and round is just going down, down, down. I am at rock bottom. doctors, case managers, mental health clinicians, none of them care or get it....I can't cope anymore! I'm done!!

Sophie_M · ‎03-02-2023

Hey there Lozza,

Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing this update with us. We can hear you're coping with a difficult cycle and feeling lost, but we think sharing this here is an amazing action to have taken.

We’ve reached out to you privately to check in and thank you for sharing with the community here. Please consider reaching out for some more immediate support by following the steps above, or by calling the Beyond Blue on 1300 22 463. The counsellors there are super kind and supportive, they’re understanding and can be good to talk to right in the midst of these feelings, or at any moment so that you can work out your next steps in getting more support together with them on the phone. You can also reach them via webchat 24/7, here.

Since you mentioned having thoughts about ending your life, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm, this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

It also sounds like the Beyond Now suicide safety planning app may be a helpful resource to you. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline on 13 11 14 and compete it together with one of their counsellors over the phone

Thanks again for sharing a bit more about what's going on for you, Lozza. It takes bravery and openness to share this, and we're here for you.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

therising · ‎06-02-2023

Hi Lozza90

Makes life so much harder when our 'go to' people can't relate to what we're experiencing, when they can't feel our overwhelming challenges and emotions for themselves.

While the mental health system can offer great support, if you want to know where it's broken ask someone who relies on it. You can have a great psychologist who's stretched thin (a fault in the system). While they can be helping get to the bottom of everything that deeply challenges you, you can only see them occasionally. So, what happens when a lot of stuff starts surfacing in between visits? You can be left trying to make sense of so much on your own.

While I've never faced the intense challenges that come with PTSD, what I have noticed in managing the ins and outs of depression over the years is how much I feel my interactions with people. If someone intends to ignore what I struggle with, as opposed to helping me manage, I'll feel it. If someone intends to belittle my emotions, I'll feel it. If someone's self serving, I'll feel that. Waking up to being able to sense someone's intention and nature has been helpful. With practice, you come to read people.

Took me years to wake up to the fact some folk in my life are depressing. Up 'til then, I always believed there was something wrong with me. When I woke up, I was shocked. For example, while my husband may come to me on occasion and ask 'Are you okay?'. Sometimes I've been honest in saying 'I can feel myself becoming down and I can't figure out why'. While 'Let's work out why, together' would be an ideal response, his response has almost always been 'I hate hearing that, it upsets me because I love you so much'. Then he walks off. He manages not being upset by leaving me alone while the tv takes his mind off how upset I am. What the hell?! True love is where you feel another's pain and do all you can to lead them out of it.

One key thing I've learned about managing my mental health is the so called 'normal' people can be highly questionable. Their logic at times can be insane.

Lozza90 · ‎09-02-2023

This life is so lonely and I feel like I'm on my own dealing with this. I don't see a point in me sticking around. There is no light at the end of this tunnel...it's just a black hole and it's sucking me in....it's all too tempting to end this....nobody else cares and so it doesn't matter if I am here or not....

Sophie_M · ‎09-02-2023

Hey Lozza,

Thank you for sharing this update. We're sorry to hear you're dealing with loneliness and feeling unsupported while coping with these thoughts of ending it. We're reaching out to you privately to offer some more immediate support. If you'd prefer to reach out to them directly, our counsellors are here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our WebChat.

Please know that our lovely friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are always there for you whenever things are feeling like too much to cope with, and if you're unable to stay safe the number to call is 000.

We hope the words of the community here on our thread provide some comfort to you. It's such a powerful thing to share here, and we're really grateful to you for letting the community hear what's going on for you.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

therising · ‎10-02-2023

Hi Lozza

Would your psychologist provide you with some time for an emergency session? If they're the only person who you feel is able to make some difference for you, sounds like reaching out to them could be one of the ways to cope with such brutal overwhelm. I've discovered over time some emotions are impossible to manage alone.

Do you know what it is that's really stirred everything up, more than ever before perhaps? All the horrible murky stuff can sit well below the surface. It can sit and sit for the longest time before something stirs it up. Suddenly it starts to impact every part of your life. Making sense of it all, clearing it up, becomes the push. Is there a part of you that desperately wants things made clearer, while another parts of you is just so exhausted and just doesn't want to do this anymore? While clarity can't change the past, it can change how you perceive yourself in relation to the past. For example, 'Based on my past, my moods shifts are understandable and even justified to some degree. My triggers make complete sense and it's understandable why I'm so enraged by people and this world. It's understandable why I hold so much resentment. Every emotion I experience is telling and every feeling I express is a valid expression. I'm sick (because) of people expecting me to suppress my deep long held rage and sadness'.