Triggers leading to ANGER leading to suicidal thoughts

[Ammee]

Hi all,

It's been a scary week. This week I got very close to taking my life. I made a choice to call the helpline instead of taking my life at the time and they and my husband, together, got me through that night. Since then the suicidal thoughts have been plaguing my mind on and off and it's exhausting. There is a pattern. Things trigger me - something someone has said or written to me, or my daughter (and to a lesser degree my son's) behaviour, are the main ones (they both have special needs and get very loud). A small thing seems to trigger this feeling of absolute RAGE inside, which leads to the suicidal thoughts and takes me down a spiral of despair feeling like its all too hard, it isn't worth it anymore.. It's horrible and scary. Is there any way of stopping the rage over such trivial things? I really am scared I will hurt myself. Thank you for your help.

[Ammee]

Thank you. I am working through things and seeing my psychologist today. At the point of completely giving up atm, but maybe my psyc will help me.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Anmee -

it's not often i come onto the forums and find a post that somes up so precisely what i feel

I understand the rage you feel and i feel it too

I was happy to see you are holding on to see the pysch it seems you place stake in her assistance and feel supported by her/them/him

To me the rage has to be calmed by taking a bit of a break

It often comes when i feel abandoned

Or sometimes when something insensitive is said about suicide/sh/trauma i just get so angry

I have to change up my environment and disract to calm down, watch a funny show.

I guess we all have these triggers. With help, I hope we can overcome them

And the first thing to understand, which is helping me, is that it's okay to be angry sometimes and let down and sad

not to judge or hate the feelings. they are there i guess for a reason

[sunnyl20]

Hey Ammee,

I’m really sorry to hear things are feeling so difficult right now, and that you are feeling that giving up is the only option. Do you feel able to talk to your husband about what is going on for you? I would really encourage you to contact Lifeline, especially if you don’t feel able to talk to anyone else.

Sending you strength.

[Ammee]

Thank you Sleepy21

You are so right. I need to learn to be less critical of my feelings and just go with them, easier said than done. I am trying hard atm.. but am exhausted with trying. The worst of it is I have two children who I have to try desperately to compose myself for as I don't want to worry them. I am taking things one hour at a time. Self harmed again yesterday, and hate that I did it - now it serves as a reminder to me everytime I see it, which really isn't helping me as that makes me angry as well.. But I am better than I have been. Trying to watch some of my favourite old movies with my family, and wind down however I can. Thanks for reaching out.

[Ammee]

On another note, Christmas is such a hard time of year isn't it? All the debarcle with family, gift giving, preparing food, shopping in crowded shops - it is all so overwhelming.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Ammee, 
  Thanks for joining us on the forums today. We're so sorry to hear how overwhelming life is at the moment. We acknowledge how stressful the holidays can be with so many people on edge. We hope you're able to wind down with your family today as you've suggested and enjoy some of your favourite old movies. Do you have a favourite movie that you like to watch each year? Love Actually seems to be a popular one. We'd like you to know that the Beyond Blue Support Service is here if you need it (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636). We've also sent you a private message to offer some extra support for today.  Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.

[Ammee]

Hi, I went to the hospital on December 27th. I have been moved into a mental health unit now. I'm ok. Just pretty depressed. And I feel like I am in limbo at the moment because I came here the day before NYE and they didn't have much therapy going on, and still don't being New years and all. They say all that will start on Monday, so I just sit here waiting. But at least I am getting help. Wanted to let you all know I haven't completely disappeared, and I am safe. Thanks for your help.

[Guest_1643]

Ammee said:Hi But at least I am getting help..

I love that you acknwoledge that for yourself and you are getting help

I'd like to think that when classes start on Monday there will be a lot to absorb in and learn

I actually think you've gone to the hospital at a great time - so so many services are closed and limited now in terms of seeing a GP, psychologist or psychiatrist.
At the hospital (from Monday) you should be able to access clinicians easily and have thebest support.

[sunnyl20]

Hey Ammee,

We are really glad to hear that you are safe. It can be difficult waiting for services but I really hope that once everything starts back you are able to feel supported and get the help that you need. Look after yourself and please know that this space is always here. We are here to listen when you need. Take care.

[AnonymousID]

I'm sorry to hear that you are overwhelmed and this year has been tough for you. You sound like your really good at taking care of your family but it's times like these you need to take care of yourself. I'm really glad your in a safe place right now and will have the extra support you need soon. I hope you have the strength to really talk to them and practice some better coping mechanisms. I understand how hopeless things can seem but you have made a step in the right direction. I wish you the best and hope things get better soon