Triggers leading to ANGER leading to suicidal thoughts

Ammee · ‎20-12-2020

Hi all,

It's been a scary week. This week I got very close to taking my life. I made a choice to call the helpline instead of taking my life at the time and they and my husband, together, got me through that night. Since then the suicidal thoughts have been plaguing my mind on and off and it's exhausting. There is a pattern. Things trigger me - something someone has said or written to me, or my daughter (and to a lesser degree my son's) behaviour, are the main ones (they both have special needs and get very loud). A small thing seems to trigger this feeling of absolute RAGE inside, which leads to the suicidal thoughts and takes me down a spiral of despair feeling like its all too hard, it isn't worth it anymore.. It's horrible and scary. Is there any way of stopping the rage over such trivial things? I really am scared I will hurt myself. Thank you for your help.

Sophie_M · ‎20-12-2020

Hey Ammee, thanks for joining us on the forums tonight.

We're so sorry to hear how difficult this week has been for you. We think you're very strong for reaching out to the helpline when you needed it and for opening up to your partner. Please know our valued online community is also a safe space for you to share your thoughts, seek and give support and we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you. We hope you know that there is always help available to you. Can we ask if you are you currently receiving mental health support? If not, we would urge that you do seek professional support to help you work through these thoughts that you're experiencing. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.

Ammee · ‎21-12-2020

Yes I am getting professional help but the psyc was not available till this Thursday.. so for me it is holding on till then, and that is exhausting.. I am trying to distract myself as much as I can. Thank you.

Aaronsis · ‎21-12-2020

Hi Ammee

It is so great to hear that you chose you and you chose to reach out and make a phone call when you could have chosen to take your life. I am so proud of you and so very happy that at that moment something made you pick up the phone.

Thursday does seem like a long way away when you are waiting to get some support but please know that there are many other lines of support that can help you until you get to your appointment. Sophie_M has mentioned the Beyond Blue line but also the very brilliant Suicide Call back Service too, they are all there for you and to help you get through this time.

Being a parent is not easy and kids are demanding and can take so much from us emotionally, it does not mean that we don't love them but it can be very taxing and very destressing, especially if you are feeling so drained to begin with. You asked if there was any way of stopping this rage over such trivial things...I just wanted to let you know that they are firstly not trivial to you, and also when you are already full to the brim of pain and of suffering the smallest thing can ignite that fire inside. Working with your doctor will hopefully help in lowering the amount of suffering and pain and therefore leaving some room inside for you, and for life to happen and not make you feel triggered or angry. Even just sharing here and chatting can be apart of the calm that can help you just to get through the next few minutes and provide a nice change of thought.

We are here for you to sit with you in this time and I hope to chat to you some more, if you would like to share that is, only if you want to.

Hugs

Sarah

I also was glad to read that you are trying to distract to keep these thoughts at bay, what are you doing in your day? What things do bring you joy?

sunnyl20 · ‎21-12-2020

Hi Ammee,

I am really sorry to hear you are in such a dark place. What you are going through sounds like it has been very painful, exhausting and distressing. It can take so much courage and strength to seek out help when you get to that point, I am so glad that you were able to reach out and get the support that you needed that night. It can be really difficult waiting for an appointment, especially this time of year when many services are either shut or hard to get in.

Has there been anything that has helped you in the past when you have felt this way? You mentioned distraction - maybe it is worth making a list of what you find most helpful so when things reach a tipping point you have something concrete to look at and focus on. Like listening to music, going for a walk/run outside, watching a good show, journaling (doesn't have to be pen and paper, just something to try to organise your thoughts a bit into words and get them out of your system), wash/submerge face with/in cold water, slowing your breathing, grounding techniques (sensory, breathing, physical). There is also the Smiling Mind app which you may find helpful to ground you and bring you out of your head and into the present.

Suicidal thoughts can be really challenging to cope with, it can feel overwhelming and exhausting. That spiral downwards can feel so distressing and out of control. It can feel like it is all-consuming. But please know that you are not alone. You can ring a helpline, you can talk on these forums. It also sounds like your husband is a great support for you too.

Knowing your triggers is so important. And they don't sound trivial at all. You obviously have a lot going on, and small things can accumulate and push you over the edge too. There is no shame in that.

I really hope that you are able to get some peace and stability soon. Take some time out for yourself, be kind to yourself.

Sending you strength. Take care.

Ammee · ‎21-12-2020

I try to distract myself with art and craft. I enjoy photography too, so I do this. I am doing some crystal art at the moment which is helping.

Today I am pretty empty though - there is nothing there today, not bad, not good, guess it is better than feeling suicidal, but I am gone - I mean, there is no me today - I am empty. Its a coping mechanism I guess.

I have been battling depression on and off for a long time, since my daughter was born 11 years ago and almost died from pnemonia, but never have I had suicidal thoughts until last week and that is what made it so scary. I have many tricks up my sleve as I have been in and out of therapy and also studied a lot of stuff, including mindfulness, medication, distraction, and the smiling mind app, etc.. But none of my usual tricks are helping much at the moment..

To give some background.. This year has been up shit creek for me, as it has for many people I think -

I have fibromyalgia, have suffered from it for 12 years but the chronic fagigue stuff has gotten a whole lot worse this year

Doctors think I now have CFS/ME and now am waiting to see a specialist, which will take three months.

I suffer from migrains most days.

Was diagnosed with ADHD at the beginning of the year.

My son (14) is ADHD, my daughter (11) is Autistic. I adore them, but they have their challenges. My daughter suffers significan mental health issues too.

I lost my job at the end of last year, so I tried to start up a business of my own which has failed due to COVID amongst other things

It has just been one of those years.

And you are right, it has been one thing after another after another, and it has all got on top of me.. I think I have truly burned out....

sunnyl20 · ‎23-12-2020

Hey Ammee,

How are you feeling today?

It sounds like you have got a lot going on. I’m really sorry this year has been so stressful for you, starting a business can be challenging enough without Covid and two children with additional needs. I cannot imagine the persistence and strength it has taken you to see the year through.

It is great to hear that you have got some things to keep you busy and take the edge off when things get overwhelming, but yeah, as you say sometimes it can feel like nothing helps no matter how hard we try.

I hope you are able to talk through everything that has been going on for you with your psych soon.

Please don’t hesitate to reply and let us know how you’re going. We’re here for you.

Take care.

Ammee · ‎23-12-2020

Thank you

Ammee · ‎23-12-2020

I don't know what to do at the moment. I feel so lost. Should I be admitting myself to a hospital? I don't want to wait in an emergency room.. worst for me at the moment I think.

Sophie_M · ‎23-12-2020

Hi Ammee,

We can hear that right now things must feel very confusing or overwhelming for you. We have just sent you an email to check in and to talk about what would be right for you to do tonight. If you could keep an eye on your inbox, that would be great, and please feel free to checking in with us.