Toxic work environment and anxiety moving on.

[BeeKay]

Hello,

Can toxic workplaces cause PTSD? What about grief?. I have been to see my GP and she thinks I'm Severely Stressed and have Anxiety, she's referred me to a psychologist for counselling.

I've recently left a toxic workplace,- which was a tough decision during a pandemic- but my mental and physical health were deteriorating. I experienced multiple long episodes of burnout. The work environment would get better and I thought maybe I was just over thinking it or being too dramatic, but then I watched as colleague after colleague resigned before me.

I'd applied for a few jobs whilst I was still employed, each interview went well up until I was asked the dreaded questions of 'why do you want to leave your current workplace?' and 'can we contact your current employer?'.

So I resigned without a job lined up- scary- the last time i was unemployed and not studying was a long time ago.

I've been applying for jobs, and I have interviews coming up (yay), however I've been experiencing self doubt, and thinking 'what if I do something wrong, what if I'm just walking into another bad situation'.

Couple this with the 'why did you leave your last workplace' question and 'can we contact your previous employer?, and I'm reduced to an emotional mess. I've been crying on and off like a tap, sometimes I don't even notice I'm crying.

This resigning thing was supposed to make me feel relieved that I don't have be there. I left lots of work for the few remaining employees to follow up, which makes me feel guilty, however I was not given the adequate time to wrap things up neatly, I was paid out for my notice period, and told not to come into work during this time.

Friends have told me I need to stop letting it consume me and move on, and that I can't be picky about the next job, and just apply for everything, even if I don't want that particular role/job.

But how do I do that when this organisation was my first job (my dream job) out of Uni and I have no other references? I've also been looking at a complete career change but find I need more qualifications which are expensive and I'm too highly qualified for govt fee assistance. I feel I'm still trapped in the toxicity even though I've left.

I know there's not much anyone can do, it's just tough being in this situation, and I want to let anyone else experiencing a similar situation know that they are not alone.

Beekay. x

[Sophie_M]

Hi BeeKay,

It sounds like you're in a dark place tonight. We're sorry to hear that you're having intrusive thoughts tonight. We can hear that you're wanting to move on from what has happened - we hope that you can be gentle with yourself in this process, as recovery from trauma can be a process that isn't always linear.

It might be worth calling the counsellor again to get an appointment booked in, because it sounds like you need some support. Unfortunately it can take some chasing up sometimes. Alternatively, you can ask your GP for a referral to a different counsellor to see if that is more fruitful.

However, please don't feel like you're alone in the meantime. There is always support available to you. It sounds like you're feeling really overwhelmed tonight and you're having some unhelpful thoughts as a result. It can help to talk it through with someone. In overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

If at any time you feel unable to stop yourself from acting on thoughts of suicide, this is an emergency and you need to contact 000 (triple zero).

Thanks for opening up here BeeKay. Please remember that this is a safe space to share what you're really feeling.

[BeeKay]

Hi Sophie,

Sorry I'm still getting used to forum categories.

I'm feeling a bit better now. I don't feel as heightened. Im about to make a cup of camomile tea and heat up my heat bag (as warmth comforts me) and then try to get some sleep.

This keeps happening.. I'm not sure if they are anxiety attacks.

I'm going to give the counsellor my GP referred me to another call tomorrow and if she doesn't contact me by Thursday I think I'll book back in with my GP.

Thanks again.

BeeKay.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi BeeKay,

Thank you for your reply- and then for reaching out again and being honest with us. I really appreciate you coming forward with what's happening. When I'd been chatting with you I kinda had an inkling you might have been struggling more that you let on, so it's really good that you reached out to talk about it.

I hear you with the job hunt. It is defeating. I hope that you know though that you are doing all of the right things, and you did do the right thing by leaving that workplace. They can advertise day after day and it won't make any of it right or okay. You will find a job. It's so hard but you will find one.

I was thinking about your mantra, why did you end up choosing that one? Why does it resonate with you? Maybe the final destination could be worth thinking about more, to help with those thoughts of suicide but also to give you a reason to wake up. Pulling some of those good things together- the people who care about you, your ideal job or even artwork can help.

You can get through this, I believe in you. Plus chocolate cake over sponge cake is also the best choice 🙂

rt

[BeeKay]

Hi rt,

Thank you for your validating words.

I got a call the other day to attend a third round interview. I'm still scared that something will occur which will mess it all up for me. Yesterday was the last day of my notice period for work. It was a bitter sweet day, just about everything made me want to cry and I felt very heavy like being wrapped in a weighted blanket all day. I spent the day with family members ,which was nice and distracted me. But it was hard.

One of the people i used to work with texted me saying that the office felt weird with everyone gone (as most had resigned), and they wished things could just go back to normal- I felt that on a deep emotional level. I know if I had of stayed there I would have been caught up in all the allegations going on at the moment too, and it would have been 10x more stressful than the stress I'm feeling now about being unemployed. I certainly did the right thing getting out when I did, and I'm also sad that things cant go "back to normal".

I've been listening to a book by Brene Brown called Rising Strong (she is so calming to listen to), which has helped me to develop some perspective about my current situation (I recommend reading/listening to it if you haven't already).

I'm having some doubts about my ability to undertake the job I've been interviewing for. And today I took my cat to the cattery because I'm going on a trip soon, I don't like leaving her, so it was emotional. Then I get home to multiple messages from my ex-colleagues expressing their stress over the work situation, and their warnings that I might be called in for questioning. All I want to do is move on, I haven't been contacted yet, so I'm trying not to worry.

.. and I can't stop thinking. I'm meant to be packing to go away, but I can't, I feel so on edge, to the point where I'll probably do nothing- because it all feels too overwhelming and draining, i feel like I'm doing an aerobic workout in my mind. The suicidal thoughts still pop up but not as intensely, tbh i've always had them for as long as I can remember, dating back to primary school, I've never spoken about it, and never acted on the thoughts.

I haven't contacted my counsellor again yet, I feel like I've called too many times and I don't want to seem too pushy, and then it be awkward when I get sessions. I think I'm going to book back in with my GP when I get back from my trip, I'm thinking of giving medication a try as well as therapy.

Beekay x