It never completely leaves me

[Chin_Up]

Hi Everyone,

Its been a few year since I have been here. But Its come to a point in my life where I just don't feel comfortable telling those I love the dark things that are sometimes running through my mind. Thank you in advance to anyone who reads this and just hears me and the truth.

I'm a 30 year old single mum. I separated from my abusive partner almost two years ago just after our child was born. SI have been struggling ever since. We left with nothing. No money, no belongings, no confidence. I have spent the last 18 months surviving and focusing on my child. All I want is for my child to be happy and for my internal struggle not those an effect on development.

But hiding how I truly feel is killing me! Sowmtimes I truly hate my life. I hate where I have let my life go. I know I put myself here and I take responsibility for that. But it only makes the feeling worse.

I love my child but soemtimes I just wish I wasn't a mother. That way I could just end it. I'm tired, bored, lonely. My child is my only happiness. I have no family support for baby sitting etc, so I don't ever do anything for me. My life is lived through my child and what I need to do for him/her.

I feel like I live a lie! There's the external world; the one that I love because I spend it making my child happy. But internal I hate my life because I don't have the opportunity to do anything for myaelf.

Does any other single parent relate? Soemtimes the mental and physical exhaustion is just so overwhelming and taking myself out seems like the only option for peace.

I feel sick writing this because I feel admitting it alone let's my child down. But this is how I feel in this very moment.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Chin Up,

Thank you for joining us here on the Beyond Blue forums. We acknowledge your strength in opening up about these thoughts and are sorry to hear you're struggling to care for yourself and your child. We can imagine this responsibility would be so difficult and overwhelming, especially, with little to no support from the father or your family. Please know that you've come to safe, non-judgmental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Can we ask, do you have any mental health support? We understand it can be really tough to cope sometimes, especially if you don't have a lot of support from family or friends. If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. They will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.

Please remember to reach out when you're feeling overwhelmed and needing to talk it through. You're never alone. In these moments you can get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.          

[Croix]

Dear Chin Up~

Welcome to the Forums again, I hope they were some use before.

Sophie_M has given good advice and links, however I thought it was worth mentioning something else.

You said yourself that straight after having your baby you left an abusive relationship wiht nothing. It is now 18 months on and you have actually done something quite impressive, you have stuck it out, been resourceful enough to find a place to stay, manged finances and most important love your child.

Instead of realizing this great feat sadly you say

I hate where I have let my life go. I know I put myself here and I take
responsibility for that. But it only makes the feeling worse.

Ir really is not down to you at all, it is down to the abuser in the relationship that instead of loving and supporting you in early motherhood caused you to leave. You have survived that!

You feel guilty there is nothing you are able to do for you, that your time and resources go into looking after your child and htat's it. This is entirely natural and caused by having to try to be a mum in isolation. Mothers need help, it's that simple. And do sometime wish that were not mums. It's OK.

There are support groups and some helpful societies for those in your situation, and they are in every state. Our 24/7 Help Line Sophie mentioned above may know of one, or where another organisation is that does, it varies from place to place.

You did mention not talking to the the ones you love, maybe parents, maybe others. I was in the same boat myself, suicidal and ill having been invalided out of my occupation. It was a very long time before I opened up to anyone about my suicidal thoughts and actions, particularly family.

When I finally did talk to one person a load was lifted, I was no longer truly alone, and things improved until I'm now good.

In parting please believe the love you bear your child, not your internal struggle, is what your child will feel, and of course will always love you back.

Please make a few phone calls and let us know how you go

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Chin Up, thanks for coming back to the forums and sorry you've had to cope with an abusive relationship, but moving away is the best option, although I know it's not easy and although I'm not a doctor, PND may last a long time, especially living with a person who is abusive, it doesn't give you any freedom to overcome it.

I'm not saying this maybe the case, but something you need to talk about with your doctor.

When our children are born, yes we love the time we spend with them, but we slowly introduce them to the outside world, if possible, that's not only for their benefit but also ours, whether this entails, shopping, or going to the beach, that's where you can meet other mums in exactly the same position as yourself.

The person you talk to might not have anyone else and would relish of being able to discuss how they are feeling, then you can discuss the same, a friend may be made.

Both of you can share the good times as well as when all you want to do is cry.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.