Tonight I realised how self-harm had snuck into my thoughts

[Leica27]

Hi

I am safe, and I have a safety plan. 

I wasn't sure where this belongs, and it took me a lot to post in this forum rather than the more general ones. I'm going through a rough patch again, one of several this year, this one due to relationship issues that have broken a fairly good 2 month mental wellness run for me.

Many thoughts about that but tonight I was writing some stuff about how to manage my tendency to lash out when triggered. I thought about inflicting pain on myself as a circuit-breaker. I thought about different options, self harming stuff that I could do immediately, and could hide any marks. Earlier today, I was hungry (I hadn't eaten properly because of work and anxiety) and I took some sort of "comfort" in that feeling.

Not long after, I thought "wtf has happened to me". I never would have considered this (I barely understood it in others) and I feel quite ashamed and guilty. I have been through some pretty big difficulties in life, and never felt this way (at least as far as I could recognise). I've prided myself in being able to get through tough times, but my self esteem has taken a real hit lately. I feel like I'm in for a bumpy ride for the relationship and I feel I might stay in a bad situation because of my fear of not coping with a break-up.

I deleted the thoughts from my writing but felt that I had to put it out somewhere as a reminder that I felt them, and how I dealt with them.

[Leica27]

Today things got bad. My outburst ended in turning my frustration and anger against myself and I hurt myself. Firstly it was impulsive, then it was deliberate in a distraction sense. I feel so ashamed and disappointed in myself and I will have some physical reminders of this for a few days at least. I thought I've never done this before but I've been reflecting on the events today and remembered a time where I did this, different feelings and triggers though. It was over 20 years ago. I'm trying to find some more urgent tools to manage this until I can get some more help. I need to redo my safety plan and put it on my new phone.

I feel terribly scared and confused about what is going on with me. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Leica27,

We’re really glad you could come to the forum to share this with our community again tonight. We know it isn’t easy to share something like this. We also want you to know that we hear your distress, and we want you to know that we're here for you - any time.. no matter the reason...

We’ve reached out to you privately tonight to make sure you’re ok (please check your email inbox). If you want to reach out to our counsellors to talk at any time, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and/or you can reach us via online chat here. There’s also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14. We're all available 24/7.

It's really important you receive medical care Leica27, and we hope you will take yourself to hospital or to your GP tomorrow (if the wound and/or your mental health state can wait until tomorrow), otherwise we urge you to seek medical assistance by taking yourself to your nearest hospital emergency department for care straight away.

We’d really recommend having a look at the Beyond Blue safety planning app. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline and complete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.

Please keep sharing your words on our forums - we're sure someone will be along shortly. Many forum members may have experience with some of the challenges you mention and we think you will find great value in all of their kind and supportive responses.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[therising]

Leica27

I feel for you so deeply as you face such a challenging time in your life. The fact that you're becoming more conscious of a number of things is definitely a positive. I know it may not feel like it.

Becoming more conscious of how we think, feel and act is definitely not always a happy and blissfully enlightening experience. This is something I've discovered through my own personal experience. While some revelations can be joyful, others can feel deeply depressing. Depressing revelations can often be a part of an overall process. Give you an example...

Just say you have regular highs and lows. When the process of self analysis or greater self understanding begins, you can begin to pick all the depressing periods where you deeply felt the lows or depressions. This can become a seriously depressing period, based on focusing on/analysing and trying to make better sense of everything that's depressing. Suddenly the revelation hits that might dictate 'I can feel every single low, just as I can feel every single high or in between'. The revelation may then become 'I'm a natural born feeler, which explains why I can feel everything'. Imagine you then begin to develop your ability to get a feel for things, experiences and people. Some people will feel depressing, bringing you down and some people will lead you to feel like you're being raised in some way (mentally, physically and soulfully). Some will even lead you to feel like you're going nowhere, neither up nor down. You can then begin to develop a sense or a feel for when you're in a potentially depressing or depressing challenge. You can feel yourself in one. Gaining a sense of how to manage your way out is a whole other story. Again, you'll be able to sense the kind of people who'll lead you out or leave you feeling alone, vibing in a depressing low.

As 'a sensitive' (one who is sensitive enough to feel their experiences) life can be seriously tough at times. Greater self understanding and self mastery becomes the goal. Btw, it can be helpful to define 'an emotion' as 'a very specific form of energy in motion'. Anger definitely has a feel to it, that's for sure.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Leica27,

How are you doing today? I was feeling self-destructive a few days ago and am just crawling my way out of that, so I can relate a bit.

 I just want you to know you are not alone and there is always the option of calling a helpline if you get the urge to self harm again. If you don’t feel adequately helped by the first person you speak to, you can always wait a minute or two, take a few breaths and then call again or try a different helpline. That’s what I did recently when dealing with very difficult emotions. I persisted till I got a lovely, kind person who was the ‘right fit’ so to speak in regard to what I needed at that point in time.

 I was wondering if your profile name Leica means you are a camera/photography buff? It may have nothing to do with that, but I’m into photography and I’ve used Nikon cameras and have now gone with a Fuji system.

 I hope you have found some care and help. You have explained your feelings very clearly above which is a good sign that you are understanding and supporting yourself. Take care.