Tired of fighting this battle.

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I hope im ok to post as ive posted so often on other  forums  but im feeling very desperate lately. 

Im just so tired of fighting. I left a job i was in for many years last year. I have since had some part time work that didnt work out.  Im lonely and going broke.  I was desperate and called triple o last week only to be left to my own devices again. I may be going into a facility called parc a non acute inpatient service but that thought scares me. I dont know how much more i can endure. I hope every one is well and thank you for reading      Brett

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Been a bit rough of late. Just feel like isolating but i know its not best for me.    Sometimes i just dont wish to be  be  expected to be at places. It just seems so easy for people to flick out text messages to people and expect them too be somewhere. I then feel terrible guilt if a dont attend things. I was wondering if anyone feels similar thoughts out there.       Beat wishes    Brett.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Brett,

I used to be very much the same and felt I had to attend something when invited and would feel guilty if I didn’t go. It’s like I cared more about how the other person felt than I cared about myself and what I most needed.

It is certainly good to keep in contact with people. It is healthy to have those social contacts. At the same time we sometimes also need time to ourselves and may need more space than others. I think it’s looking at each situation and deciding what is best for you first. So caring for yourself and your needs as a priority. Listen in to your own intuition about how you are feeling. Do you need downtime and space to yourself, or do you feel you will enjoy and benefit from social engagement? I know sometimes it’s hard to tell, but I guess another way of putting it is what does your heart want to do?

I’ve been in the city a few days and there’s a number of people I could have caught up with while here, but I also knew I wanted to spend some time doing things on my own. So I had two days where I caught up with friends and appointments to attend, but the rest of the time I gave to myself to do things I wanted to do independently. In the past I would have tried to please everyone and catch up with everyone but missed out on doing some things I really wanted to do and then felt frustrated that I didn’t get that time to myself.

I also get significant fatigue and if I push too hard to please everyone else I become unwell. Basically if I ignore my own needs while trying to please others my body will protest at me ignoring it. Also, I think we often imagine expectations from others to be greater than they actually are. People often respect us when we speak up for our own boundaries and politely decline an invitation. If they don’t respect our needs and wishes they are not being such a good friend to us.

So you are never letting anyone down Brett if you can’t do everything others are inviting you to. Choose to go to the things you feel drawn to and you feel you would enjoy. But if you also need space and time to yourself that is perfectly ok too. Sometimes it’s good to give ourselves a push to spend time with others and we feel better for it and sometimes it’s good to have a break and have time to ourselves. You are always in charge so trust what feels right for you.

I hope maybe that helps a little. Have a lovely day Brett.

ER

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Thanks ER.

I always appreciate hearing from you.    

You are right i know its about that balance . I guess i dont need to feel guilty about not getting to everything .       I  think with this condition i just get the guilts so bad and ive been led to believe thats a common thing. 

People pleasing is probably what its about too...

Hope you have a Happy Day.     Brett.

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Brett,

Yes, I think people pleasing is very common. The psychotherapist Pete Walker calls it the fawn response which is a way people try to feel safer in the world by trying to always meet the needs and expectations of others. I’ve done that all my life to a chronic level and I’m only starting to really unlearn it recently. It becomes a much more free existence when you start to let go of always feeling you have to please others, but I know it’s not an easy shift to make. I wonder if working on this specific issue with your psychologist may help? I think one of the things is learning to give all that care and consideration you are giving to others to yourself to meet your own needs.

I hope you are having a good week,

ER

[Beaser]

Thanks ER

Hope your well.

Been a bit of a tough Easter . Im starting to stress about my ability to work again and have money to live and pay my small mortgage.  Its hard to stay at home all the time and i know its the only way to save money. But ill be honest i need to go out and go to my local hotel to just see  people and that involves having a few drinks. I just think that if that is the worst i do then im not being too bad.  I also know that isolating is bad for me so i guess its the better of two evils.

Hope you and everyone else are well and have a happy day .      Brett

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Brett,

I do understand very much where you are coming from. I have similar fears at present. My car has started to not start at times again and neither the mechanic nor roadside assistance guy who spent sometime looking at it have been able to resolve the cause. If it dies completely and I have to get a new car, that is a significant financial stress for me. I have now stopped buying any food or drink when I'm out including getting takeaway coffees which I used to do. At the same time I'm very aware that getting out into the wider world and sitting in a cafe with other people is a meaningful thing to do. So I understand completely where you are coming from.

I think what I am learning is that it's still important to live in the moment and find a balance. So I think what you are saying about seeing your friends by going out for a drink is important. If that is really beneficial for your mental health, you don't want to cut that out of your life. I wonder if there is a way to place limitations on it? So, for example, you only have one drink when you go out. You basically put a cap on how much you are going to spend. If others put pressure or expectation on you to have more than one drink, just make that assertive decision to stick to one. Good friends will understand and accept what your needs are.

As far as the future goes, I think I'm learning that it helps to trust that things will work out and it's possible to find a way through, just taking things a day at a time. I'm finding if I go into a ruminative state where I start to fear the future, then I stop living and enjoying this moment now. When I come back to this moment and find peace in it, I create better future moments that are more likely to lead to a positive future outcome. I think anxiety can paralyse the mind's ability to see options and solutions, but it's very understandable that anxiety comes up. So I am learning to acknowledge my fears when they arise, accept them and then come back to the present and just see what I can do now to help myself in this moment.

A helpful psychologist said to me once when I was feeling overwhelmed, "What can you do for yourself in this moment right now?" Sometimes we need to really simplify things down and ask what we need right now. If we feel restless, we may need a walk. If we feel stressed, we need something soothing such as a cup of tea and quiet time. If we feel lonely we may need to call a friend. If we feel tired, we may need a nap. Somehow when we take care of our immediate needs, I think we are already indirectly starting to take care of our future needs. We increase our capacity to handle things by breaking things down into smaller components and the future starts to take care of itself. When we find a way to experience peace in this moment now, we create more potential for a peaceful future in which we can manage our life with greater ease.

I hope that makes some sense. I am finding approaching things this way seems to help me. I am finding ways to be kinder and more supportive to myself in the present and then a better future starts to unfold from that. I hope you can find some peace Brett and enjoyment in life in the present as well as a balance between meeting important needs now (e.g. social ones) and considering your future needs as well.

Take care,

ER

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Thank you ER  

I went out last night to my football club opening night. It was a small win as i was anxious about it but i got through ok .     

I seen a different Dr yesterday I feel a bit distraught as i start to doubt theres much more that can be done for me. At the moment i cant look any further than the day ahead and try and build some inner strength.

Im sorry to read that youre having car issues and i hope it doesnt get to costly for you . 

Hope you have a Happy Day       Brett,

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Brett,

I’m glad you got out to your footy club. Good on you. If you are starting to feel distraught I’m just wondering if you have thought of calling a helpline, such as the BB helpline or Lifeline? I have found just talking to another human can help de-escalate challenging feelings and is a way of becoming a bit more calm and grounded again. I’ve also called the Suicide Callback Service before and found they were particularly good at grounding me quite quickly when I was very distressed. The Blue Knot Foundation have also been excellent at helping create feelings of safety and stabilisation. They are for people with complex trauma and I don’t know if that’s your background but I thought I’d just mention them too. Unlike the others Blue Knot are only available between 9am and 5pm (eastern states time).

Also, I’m wondering if you were triggered by the different doctor you saw? I’ve found some doctor interactions stressful compared to others. Some doctors leave you feeling more hopeless and others more hopeful. Some of them are just much more attuned to patients than others and have a more encouraging vibe. Sometimes I’ve felt really worse after seeing a particular doctor but I’m gradually learning not to take on any judgements or uncomfortable feelings I’ve got after particular medical encounters. I know after I’ve seen practitioners who know and understand me I feel positive and much better for the interaction. Do you think seeing a different doctor may have triggered you to feel a bit worse?

I think taking things one day at a time makes sense. I hope you feel better soon Brett. We are here to chat when you need to.

Take good care,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Brett,

I did write you a response but it hasn't appeared, so I will try again.

I'm glad you were able to go out to your footy club. Good on you.

How are you feeling today? I was wondering if the different doctor left you feeling differently? I sometimes find certain doctors are more present with you and understanding so you leave feeling more hopeful, while others are more distant and you can feel worse after seeing them. It's not usually intentional but I think some doctors are more attuned with patients than others. I imagine your regular doctor knows you quite well and perhaps it feels more comforting and supportive after seeing that doctor?

If you are feeling distraught remember you can always call a helpline. I have found talking to another human when feeling distressed can be grounding and help me feel better. Occasionally I've had someone on a helpline who wasn't so helpful but then I just paused for a bit and called again and got someone who really did help. So it can be worth persisting if you don't get the right support initially.

I hope you are feeling better today. Yes, I think taking things one day at a time is a good idea and I think that's often the best we can do. Take care Brett.

ER

[Beaser]

Thanks ER.

I hope your going well.  

I think your right about different DRs .  I guess also though maybe they are a bit more likely to tell you things you dont want to hear , if that makes sense. 

I have rang help lines and did recently.  Like yourself i feel it depends on who you get to talk too.  I find that approach where they ask you too rate things from 1to 10 very impersonal but i guess thats what there asked to do . 

I hope you had a happy weekend and are going along well        Brett.