I can't justify my existence

Spoon1

Hi brand new here. Sorry for the instant dump. I've never actually written this out before and would like to know if I am alone with this. (might even feel good getting it off my chest)

I have struggled existential dread for around 6 years (I'm 31).
Every day I question my existence, it's like suddenly one day I woke up, and have been like this ever since.

I'm not currently at risk of self harm or suicide but I feel a constant intrusive desire to no longer exist/die.
I have a pretty stable life a good job in Aged Care, a supportive partner, and pets. However at work I feel entirely replaceable and find no inherent purpose in reality.

My view on life and people is dominated by a timeline view, where I see everyone and everything as meaningless and destined for death.
eg - I am watching a movie and I see the actors in the movie as 'working a job' and this is a part of something they did before they died. Feels like I am at a funeral and watching memoirs would be the best way to describe it.

Same goes when I am interacting with anyone. I feel no connection + every interaction feels fake and scripted.

Convinced I shouldn't exist because I was conceived through deception (Mum went off the pill for another centrelink baby, Dad tried to abort they split), making me constantly remind myself I was not meant to be here in the first place.

I find myself hoping for accidental death in every situation, often subconsciously seeking out risks (going for a hike when a storm is forecasted) (walking at night in high crime areas). - Things like this, never actively trying to die, but introducing it into scenarios.
I only remain here out of a sense of duty to my partner and pets.

I struggle to plan for the future, whether it's tomorrow, next week or next year. Because I truly hope it doesn't come.

I have seen psych's who have disgnosed me with quite the lot (Bipolor II, ADHD, Depression, Anxiety) and will continue to see them to push on, the meds they give me just make me tired and bored. So now I exist with the weight of the meds too.

I get it though we are all going to die, so have fun in the meantime? That's the fix so I have been told.
Whenever someone says something like that it feels so forced disingenuous that I can't accept that as an answer because none of this is not fun for me.

Does anyone else feel this dread? I feel like I am losing my mind.

Deano

Hello, I know exactly how you feel, I have been diagnosed with Depression, Bipolar 2, Anxiety, PTSD. What you said about not being able to plan for the future it sounds just like me as I too hope it doesn’t come. The only thing that stops me from going through with it is my daughter, even then though most days it is a real struggle to switch my mind from those thoughts.

you are not alone.

therising

Hi Spoon1

Not sure whether the following is in any way relatable but it's only in recent years (as a 55yo gal) that I've come to consider what really is 'an altered state of consciousness'. I think this line of questioning began when I really started to question why my state of mind would alter/shift so dramatically at times. To offer a couple of examples

Why have I gone from being fully conscious of what's completely logical to being fully conscious of everything that feels depressing (from pure logic to pure feeling)?
Why have I gone from being fully conscious of of everything feels liberating and carefree to being fully conscious of everything that's stressful and anxiety inducing?

I found a lot, for me personally, comes down to 'What's leading me into altered state of consciousness/awareness/mindset?'. So many different factors to name, so I'll throw out just a part of the list while wondering whether you can relate to any of the following: Certain triggering people will lead to a major shift, inner dialogue, whether I've got goals to help me focus on what's not depressing or stressful, major mind altering revelations, internal chemistry that can relate to various forms of deficiency, environmental factors such as mainstream media, weather to some degree, if I'm more sensitive that usual (able to sense more as opposed to being emotionally switched off) and on it goes.

Some of what you mention, your perception, is 'matter of fact', purely logical. Some of what you mention is a matter of feeling, physical emotion or 'energy in motion' that you can feel in your body. Some of what you mention sounds deeply soulful, 'Why am I here?'. It's a bit of a mind/body/soul thing. While a psychologist can help with the mind, a physician, prescribing psychiatrist or chemist can help with the physical or chemical aspects, the question remains 'Why am I here?'. One of the greatest revelations that's come to mind for me came not too long ago. Whether what came to me was of a mental nature (purely some thought conjured up by my brain) or of a more soulful nature, doesn't matter. The answer that came to me, 'You are here to work yourself out, to truly know yourself. You are here to understand who you naturally are'.

To discover what we find to be naturally depressing is no fun. To be living in circumstances where focusing (on what's boring) feels like a form of torture is also no fun. To face the labour pains of giving birth to some new facet of ourself can feel like being mentally ripped apart, which is definitely not fun. There are so many things or challenges that are in no way fun but, I tell you what, amongst all that there are moments where you can't help but think 'My god, I'm more complex and far more amazing that I ever could have imagined'. This can help answer the next question, 'Do you know who you are?'. Of course, part of the answer is 'Complex and amazing'.

Spoon1

Hey Deano, thanks for responding.

Sucks to know that you are also experiencing this but comforting to know I am not alone. Look after your daughter and be there for her. I hope you find a way to get out of this mindset and if you do, I'm all ears.

Merry Christmas

Spoon1

Hey therising

Thanks for taking the time to write this, it's truly something that sounds tied with a lot of life experience. I appreciate the thought you put into it. I think where I struggle is that reframing this as growth or self discovery doesn’t really tie in with what I’m experiencing. The constant desire to not exist and the lack of connection to reality, to be slightly more descriptive it feels to me like a hivemind society which completely detaches me from everything. But I do appreciate you sharing your perspective.

Merry Christmas

Picture

Hi Spoon1

Sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. Good that you are connected with mental health support and are seeking help.

Do you think your occupation could have anything to do with what you are feeling? Visiting my Grandad in a nursing home always feels depressing, even as a visitor. I think it would be very difficult to work in some aged care centres, particularly where people have dementia. The thing that strikes me when talking to people residing in aged care is that they seem to only talk about the past, and that they are not having new experiences to talk about which can be sad. If you are in a frontline role, perhaps this may have some impact?

Things that help me when I am feeling depressed/numb besides medication/psychological support are distracting myself (eg lighthearted tv) as well as walking and weights training. Trying to focus on the present rather than the past or future as much as possible also helps.

Thinking of you

therising

Hi Spoon1

I appreciate you expanding on how and what you're feeling. I wish there was something I could say to make it all easier.

I get the hivemind mentality in some ways. It's kind of like 'Everyone's plugged into some program that I just don't get or it falls seriously short of feeling fulfilling in any way'. In some ways it's easier to have been 'asleep' than it is to have woken up to the questions 'Why am I here? What's the point of it all?'. Everything can start to feel like it's not enough. 'I have a stable long term relationship that's not bad but 'stable' and 'not bad' are no longer enough. I have a job that I basically like but basically liking or basically enjoying my job is no longer enough. I have a roof over my head and food on the table but somewhere to live and not starving to death is no longer enough'. To be in a relationship that sets our soul alight, to be in a job that leads us to feel what intense passion really feels like, to live in a place where waking up inside of it every morning feels like waking up to Christmas morning as a kid are all the things we may be longing to feel. The longing creates an ache of sorts. The more intense the longing becomes the more intense the ache becomes. To tell you the truth, I feel the longing and the aching but these things aren't bad enough for me to feel how entirely depressing they are. I smile when I say that I think I'm doing gratitude wrong. People say 'Practice gratitude. Practice being grateful for all you have'. No matter how much I practice it, I can't feel it in the ways that I think I'm meant to. I figure I must being doing it wrong. I don't know, I think it's hard to feel it when it relates to what feels depressing or borderline depressing.

Picture raises a good point, in regard to working in aged care. I work in aged care myself, as a food service assistant. On top of that, my dad lives in an aged care facility that I visit every week. I feel there is actually something in my subconscious that's relatable to what Picture mentions. Whether it's 'Is this how we all end up? What's the point of it all (life)?' or something else, I don't know.

Spoon1, sorry if this feels like a depressing post. It's more so meant to be one that questions or ponders elements of life. As I've said to people before...Life would be so much easier if someone showed up at the door tomorrow and said 'No, you're doing it all wrong, which is why it feels wrong. This is how you're meant to be doing life...'.

tom123hh

i wont put any of my life story here but i have and still do feel similar things to the things you have mentioned.