The constant struggle.

[Centaured]

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

I'm glad you mentioned that challenge from your therapist - to come up with a unique image every day. I do not have your artistic eye so am not creative, I tend to absoreb (i.e. read) rather than find though your own talent matters to highlight in the world.

I've found Sophie is quite right, you can have your focus narrowed down until all you see and feel is concentrated on the things that are wrong. I'm not trying to belittle your very considerable and serious problems, however trying to distract your mind from them - give it some mental respite - can help.

Can I ask if you find your images for Instagram come from the web, or do you take them with your  phone/camera?

You did say you felt kinda bad you did not have the words to step in and comfort others. I'm not sure I agree with you. You do not have to actually post to them to bring some relief. They just reading of all the things you have overcome to still be here will let others know it is possible

As I expect you know the vast majority here never post, just read the things that match their experiences, and all your topic here will help them.

I hope you manage some sleep

Croix

[Centaured]

I haven't been very well mentally since I last posted. Ive tried to suicide several times since and just struggling to get through each day. I found out today my nan is going to die soon. I feel bad I haven't visited her, but she doesn't even know my name due to her dementia. My other grandparents I'm going to visit in 3 weeks, they're getting old and frail too so I don't know how that is going to go. 

I just don't want this life. Can't I just give it to some sick kid and let myself fade. I'm so tired of this. 

[Sophie_M]

Hey Centaured,

Thanks for sharing this update and sorry that it's been tough for you lately. We're sorry to hear of the pending loss of your nan, we can imagine how awful it would feel so we are also reaching out privately to check in with you this evening.

If at any point, you want to reach out to our counsellors to talk this through, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here. As you know, there are also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Thanks again for sharing, and we hope you know how much we appreciate your openness here. This community cares for you.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

How would you like your visit to your grandparents to go?

Getting old and frail does not stop all the human emotions or even mean mental facilities have faded. One can be frustrated and angry at a body no longer what it was, embarrassed to need help, impatient with technology no longer simple like changing channels on a TV - plus lots more.

Do you know how they are?

Then again they may be as sharp as ever in the mind, or memory may be slipping - another source of frustration.

Do you happen to know?

But

I'd be hopeful there was still love - for each other and for you. You know people do not realy understand you, at least at times, perhaps you can understand them.

I know it is 3 long weeks away but I hope that visit is all you (and they) could wish for.

BTW Sophie is right, we do care about you

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

It's been a few days so I"m just popping in to see how you are going

Croix

[Centaured]

Thanks for checking on me Croix. Sorry I've been offline for a week. It's just been an intense week. I don't know if read the story I wrote in the PTSD area but it explains some things of why I'm escalating in amount of attempts. My grandfather who I'm seeing did stuff to me as a kid. I didn't really think how this upcoming holiday would affect me. 

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

I can understand how this trip can loom very large in your thoughts, the people there bringing back those memories, even deciding how much to blame you grandfather and brother can be a dilemma. Anyone in your position would worry how they are going to react.

I suppose the most important thing may be to remember you are not the same person you have been in the  past. Each point in you journey, both the abuse and abandonment, and all the treatments and attempts. One could so easily get lost.

They have been truly horrible but out of it all you are starting to rise.

That realization that you are not just the sum of what has happened to you but a person in your own right is a huge step, and I would hope a source of strenght when trying to ride over despair and lack of hope and even feelings of self-blame.

I was, as I may have told you in the past, a total mess for a long time. If anyone had told me I would reach the stage in my recovery I'm at now I'd not have believed them.

Will there be anyone at that gathering you will have confidence in?

Croix

[Centaured]

Ive been in hospital the last few days. I lied to them and told them I was fine and left today. Like I don't see the point in spending endless days in the emergency department taking up the bed. I did go to magic this afternoon. It felt weird. Started colouring a new book. I'm trying, but it feels pointless.

My holiday. Just a week away now. It's both a good and bad thing to look forward to. I need to get away, a break, something to be future focused for for little while...but yet it doesn't feel enough. I can't feel excited. I want to see my dad but I'm ashamed of what he will think of me. I'm a mess and he'll know it. He'll see the scars all over my body and think what the hell. It's been like a year since I've seen him. 

I'm so ashamed of my life. I told the hospital I was safe so I could be discharged....but realistically idk.

[Justanotherday]

I’m going through the same thing, only I wake up to scenarios in my head. I feel like life is not worth it

[Centaured]

Hey just another day. 

Sorry to hear you feel the same. It's really hard when our thoughts are unrelenting. I like your username, explains it a lot. Is there anything you wanted to talk about. Sometimes talking it through with someone can help just a little bit, ease it for a second even if its just another day of the same shit. 

That's why I like it here, you don't have to feel alone in what your going through and it helps to get it a out. 

Also beyond blue has some some great resources if you feel unsafe and going to act on your thoughts. I got through to the helpline last night and they called emergency services on me but it kept me safe and even though I'm on my way to face another day I'm a little stronger than I was yesterday.