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The constant struggle.

Centaured
Community Member

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

288 Replies 288

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Centaured

 

I'm so glad you have Croix supporting you, such a truly beautiful person who can obviously relate to some of what you're facing. I think we can have a number of people in our life trying to make some difference but if they can't relate to what we're experiencing, it can feel like a lonely experience, with no one who's able to see things from our perspective.

 

It must be so incredibly hard not to disassociate. If there's a part of you that's always managed to help you through the flashbacks and pain, would be hard not to let them cope with it all.

 

Do you have a particular plan or set of goals in regard to the various aspects of your mental health or do you find professionals are simply using the plan known as 'One day at a time'? I think sometimes one day at a time can become depressing, especially when no days appear to be better or they're even getting worse. I found, throughout my years in long term depression, the plan was 'One day at a time' and 'Here's some medication to get you through one day at a time'. It was a basic plan that was never going to make a significant difference to me. It basically equated to 'Twisting in the wind' for the rest of my life, wishing I could escape. Looking back, I would say the best plan, the ultimate goal, should have been to have me come to know my self better, mentally, emotionally, physically (how my brain and the rest of me ticks), naturally and even soulfully to some degree. While it sounds vague and even a little simplistic, it can be an incredibly complex process that's actually never ending as long as we're alive. While everyone's different, based on their nature, experiences, physical self, beliefs etc, what I do know is...personally I cannot work with simply 'coping' from one day to the next. I'm someone who has to know myself better than I did yesterday or last week. It's actually my fear of returning to long term depression that dictates this. I cannot afford to stay in a depressing episode because, as you'd know, that just feels like hell on earth. I barely made it out last time.

Um....idk what to say. I'm in hospital awaiting surgery this afternoon coz I attempted again yesterday. I don't want to be here and so over it all. 

Surgery went well. Awaiting mental health review so I can go home.

Im home. Nothing has really changed, still feeling the same, still don't want to exist. 

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Centaured~

OK, so back from surgery? No doubt uncomfortable or in pain, in a bed that restricts your movement even if it is not meant to - probably too hard to walk to a window or the toilet

 

I found concentrating on what was round me, the nurses down the corridor, the other person in the other bed in the ward, half hidden by a short curtain that came down to bed level and no lower. All of it simply reinforced how I felt and it was the same old same old.

 

I tried -and had some success, in imagining me away from it all, almost touring hte world, lookng for somewhere that appealed. I've forgotten if I've already told you about my mental retreat - if not let me know and I'll bore you silly with it:)

 

The thing is it helped, after all the hospital was a 360 degree reminder of all that was unpleasant and hopeless, a monument to things that hurt and never seemed to change. Full of abrupt changes as a nurse or doctor came in, gave pils, took readings and vanished again.

 

So can I suggest, even if it seems silly, you try the same thing. Look around the whole world in your mind's eye, see what you  can find. Then imagine it harder, fill in the detail.

 

It's not meant ot be a substitute for life, but a legitimated distraction for a while.

 

I remember a rather plush dentist I used to go to, when I lay back in the chair and he was about to do something I thought was unpleasant I'd look up at his ceiling, where there was a large picture painted on it, and that distracted me.  In fact I looked at it harder during his more strenuous efforts. Seemed to help.

 

It may not be a big thing but I found every little bit helped.

 

Croix

Centaured
Community Member

Croix I was discharged yesterday. Not in hospital very long. Mental health didn't really have anything to say even though I told them I'm still suicidal as usual. The pain isn't too bad, Ive learnt to switch off from pain in a way as I cope with intense chronic pain on a daily basis. 

 

I try to look at the world through my artists eye. See the world differently, see something small and unique that other won't usually see, or something beautiful out of the stark reality around me. Sometimes I find myself just taking random photos of it. I had a therapist once challenge me to do a unique photo a day and just see what I come up with. My Instagram is kinda like that, a mish mash of random unique photos of the world around me. 

I feel out of touch with reality rn. I read the other threads on the forum wanting to respond and offer people support but I'm finding it hard to respond, my brain just isn't finding the words. I can't be there for myself rn let alone other people, I feel kinda bad for that. 

 

Today is really hard. I want to attempt again. I'm safe though, just tired and finding it hard to switch off from the pain. I might call my mental health team, chat things through before I try to sleep. I think sleep would be better than hospital, it's what I need the most rn. 

Centaured
Community Member

I'm so tired of the pain rn. 

Centaured
Community Member

Im finding myself googling it again. I'm sick of it not working. I don't know what to do. 

Hi there, Centaured.

We are very sorry to hear that things are getting intense for you again this evening. We wanted to stop in and encourage you to proactively shift your head space elsewhere. whether that is follow your safety plans; indulging your hobbies and interests, review things that fascinate your creative and curious self, or reaaching out fellow community members in new ways, we ask you to agressively pursue new thoughts and feelings. 

Remember that when we stare at something, it becomes all we can see. Obsessive thoughts and painful feelings always want to be the centre of attention, but they have been selfish in having your focus for a long time now. You deserve new adventures and ideas. 

Remember we are here for you 24/7 -  webchat or call us immediately if you feel worse for any reason. 000 is always an option. Reaching out in everyway you can is always open to you.

Please take care, Centaured!

Regards, 

Sophie M.