The constant struggle.

[Centaured]

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

[Centaured]

Therising I'm sorry you had that experience, technically she was right, their not supposed to help outside of their hours but yeh she probably could have handled it better. 

What's happening at the moment wasn't really triggered by therapy. This time of the year is really triggering and has way too many horrible anniversaries. I can't cope with all the trauma in my head right now, but I'm trying to get through. I just spent a few more days in hospital because it's making me unsafe. I feel ok for now, and I'm safe. I just need July to be over. 

[Centaured]

Tired. 

Of everything

Of life

Of being alive

Im tired of trying to manage their voices in my head. 

Why can't I just give in oblivion. 

I'm just so tired.

So Fn tired. 

Why try anymore.  

Why bother. 

Why everything and anything. 

Why so tired.

So so tired.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Centaured 

Thank you for coming here to share with us again today on the forum. By sharing your openness, vulnerability and honesty the way you do, it helps us all to not only hear how difficult the struggle is for you today, but also allows us to reach out and let you know how important you are to us all... We know that your words are hard for us to hear, but recognise it is even harder for you to feel this way.

We really can hear how very exhausted you are feeling, and just how much you are wishing you could quiet down those voices in your head...

We're reached out to you privately, please keep on sharing, because when you do, it gives us all a chance to help to hold each other up when we're not feeling strong.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Centaured]

The weekend didn't go according to my plan. Now I'm in hospital with an apparent psychotic episode. 

Today is my worst anniversary of the year. I can't handle life rn. 

[Sophie_M]

Hey Centaured, 

We're sorry to hear that. We can hear it's an incredibly difficult time of year for you. It sounds like you might have made some amazing steps in getting support, we hope you feel safe and supported where you are and with the team around you.

Is there anything that's been helpful that you'd like to share? We're really glad you could check in here and let us know what's going on. It's a powerful thing to do, and we know it isn't easy.

We're always here if you feel like talking it through with one of our team, Centaured. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Centaured]

Sophie some of the things helping me right now are some colouring books a support worker brought in. And listen to my favourite music on Spotify. 

I can't do much else. I'm really confused and my brain feels weird. Dissociation is the thing keeping me together but it's the thing driving me insane. 

I don't know what I am anymore. 

"Who the hell have I become?
Counting hours in between my doses
A jaded man with shaky hands holding onto what i can't let go of"

this verse by Lø Spirit pops to mind. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Centaured, 

Thank you for sharing that, we’re glad to hear that’s been helpful. We also think it’s really powerful of you to have shared this, so thank you. 

We think it’ll be really good to hear from others as to how they’ve managed symptoms of dissociation. Hopefully, we’ll hear from the community once they spot your post. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

"So, help
Am I talking to myself?
I need someone to hold me steady
When my thoughts become too heavy"

So you are heading in the right direction, looking for a hand, and it's here. No, you are not talkng ot yourself, but to those who have been similar.

I've not spoken to you for a while, when I last did you were in a pretty reasonable place - which I guess means it is in you to get back to that place

OK, apart from coloring, which can be pretty helpful, waht would you like to chat about?

I will say there was a bit of a coincidence in that it was a very kind psych nurse who went back to his home and came back with his books which he gave to me -and that made the world of difference.

They were adolescent fantasies and just what I needed as I'd lost all ability to concentrate.

That nurse was not even one of the ones looking after me, but just observant and a good human.

Glad you have music, any other favorites apart from Lø Spirit (which I am finding about now thanks to you)

Croix

[therising]

Hi Centaured

Lost sight of the people I care about (yourself included) with the new changes to the forums. Here, I've finally found you. How are you? I've been thinking of you a lot lately, wishing there was something I could say that could make all the difference to you. While the forums offer a wonderful place for support and discussion, nothing compares with with sitting opposite someone, as you sit with them in their pain and despair.

How's the accommodation situation shaping up? Hoping things are working in your favour.

[Centaured]

Hi Croix and Therising

I've been in and out of emergency a little bit since I last spoke on here. That's pretty much my life and it depresses me how unstable I am, yet I have no idea how to stop it. 

Music is a lifeline for me, so is my art but Ive barely been able to turn to them this month.

I can't wait for July to be over.