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The constant struggle.

Centaured
Community Member

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

285 Replies 285

My new profile pic is one of my paintings I did this time last year. Sorry that it's a bit blurry, I didn't realise that, but its a picture of someone sitting by the water reflecting on life. 

 

Im currently stuck in the ED following a suicide attempt yesterday. I'm fine, but mentally still in pretty dark place. My life is pretty unstable and I don't know how to help or handle it. I feel like there is no answer for me, no remedy, I'm just stuck and only see one way our. 

I swear to God at night when I close my eyes
I can still see this little lost girl inside
And I don't know how to help her, I don't know what to do
Supposed to have this figured out but I'm so confused
For years I cried myself to sleep every night
Lived one day at a time, trying to just stay alive
And I knew people had it worse, but that didn't make me better. 

-icon for hire

I'm getting discharged tomorrow, I'm not really sure how I feel about it, but we'll see. 

Why is the first through my head each night is to hurt myself. I just spent 11 days in the mh ed but things haven't really changed. The program I was hoping for that the hospital suggested can't happen because I self harm too much or I'm too high risk of suicide, but I'm unlikely to stop without the help of these such programs. I feel lost. 

Also my NDIS funding has pretty much run out so I won't seeing my psych much anymore nor my bsp and I had to stop my ot a while ago. 

I feel like there's no help or answers with me. Its a constant struggle. The same stupid one I started this post over. 

I'm in hospital and the psych reg suggested ECT. She's talking to the bosses today about it. She was really worried about my health regarding my self harm and suicidal attempts and she thinks this could really help me out of the dark hole I'm in and move me forward.  I kinda really want this. 

Centaured
Community Member

Random positive post:

 

My NDIS got approved. 

Centaured
Community Member

I feel scared and anxious tonight. It's weird but it's over my future, which is unlike me to want a future. Its all up in the air and too much uncertainty but there's probability for great successes. Like the hospital won't lock in ECT without consulting other psychiatrists on my condition, so I don't know how long I'll be in ED for. The dr here is changing my meds in the mean time. It has potential to make things worse or a lot better. 

And tomorrow my NDIS coordinator is coming to visit to talk about my new plan and funding. Especially the part about my housing situation. 

Im scared of moving to the housing we were thinking of accessing because it's a new catchment area which means new case manager and psychiatrist and all that.  

I'm scared I'll never have a life outside of hospitals and this housing is the first step towards that goal. But having hope is scary, coz there is potential for failure. 

Well the new house isn't available. 

Drs in hospital said they can't help and that ECT and admissions aren't an option and that it's pointless me being there. They discharged me, not that I wanted to be in the ED any longer anyway. 

I'm pretty much out of options but 'that' one. 

 

I'm safe just tired. I'm going to be and hopefully I'll hear some good news tomorrow. 

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Centaured

 

I'm so glad your NDIS funding was approved. Financial resources create opportunity. Hoping the NDIS coordinator is one who'll offer you as many opportunities as possible, avenues for change.

 

You're such an incredibly conscious person. To recognise how and why you're fearing the future is definitely groundbreaking. To have a positive vision, no matter how blurry that vision appears, is something significant. It was just the other week when the revelation hit...I have a vision but it's not clear enough to stop me from stressing. It's not clear enough to stop me from fearing. It's not clear enough to lead me to trust in my abilities to handle whatever comes my way. If it was perfectly clear I would have the confidence to move forward fearlessly. I'd see every step, in my mind. Then the 2nd part of the revelation hit, with something dictating 'You need a seer, a powerful visionary who can see for you'. First person who came to mind was my brother. This week he comes back from a few months of being overseas. He's an incredible seer. Throw a challenge or a problem at him and he sees the solution straight away. Not only that but he also sees all the finer details of the plan, exactly what it takes to get to where you need to go and he helps you get there.

 

While I've known my most powerful seer the whole of my life, there are a couple of others who've come in at later stages of my life. I'm wondering whether this will begin to happen for you. Will your NDIS coordinator be one? Will he/she see exactly some of the things you need right now? Will they set you up with those things in a way which will begin to create a clearer path, greater clarity in regard to the way forward? You never know. Some seers can also see good reasons for us not doing or having certain things. Was the deciding factor for the ECT reached by someone who could see all good reasons for you not having the treatment or where they simply closed minded? Who knows.

 

I've found the difference between a constructive seer and a non constructive one is the constructive one leads you to see or visualise an alternative, they don't just leave you twisting in the wind with no direction.

 

I always appreciate the replies therising. I have a few people in my life like that, like my psychiatrist, case manager, psychologist. My professional supports kinda help me see what I'm supposed to do. 

But I can't seem to do what they say. Like I realised I can't function anymore. So instead of trying to change, I tried to kill myself twice in the weekend, ending up in emergency needing significant medical attention. 

Today I promised my case manager I'll be safe until she gets here this afternoon, but I don't know why I'm bothering. I'm tired of this and want out. 

 

Its been like this my whole life and I don't see it ever changing. I don't know a way through this so I want a way out and my brain always only ever sees suicide as that option. 

 

I don't know what my case manager is going to suggest today. There's no hope for me.