Suicidal

[goldilocks]

Hi.

I have not been in a good headspace lately. Last night, before I phoned the mental health triage, I had self-harmed. The lady over the phone was brilliant. I was honest with her about the way I which I felt. I have been experiencing increased suicidal ideation over the past month in particular, and for a variety of reasons. Firstly, I am only young, and I have a restraining order that has been against my name for over the past four years. I was told that it would last a lifetime. Basically, I had a stupid crush on a bus driver who I stalked because I didn't have the courage to ask him out on a date. I really liked him, too. He ultimately and obviously rejected me, despite telling me in his own words that he had 'always liked me, but had kept it from me.' That took a shock to my system and I ended up hospitalised in the psychiatric ward of two different hospitals three times, and I almost went to jail. While it has taken four years for me to move on from him, at the same time, I have not really healed properly. Secondly, I am looking to move out of home and start a family of my own. I certainly do not mean having children of my own, because I well and truly believe that I am too mentally incompetent to bear them, but I want to find a motherly and fatherly figure to add to my life, as my own biological parents are addicted to drinking and gambling. My mother speaks with a psychologist over the phone. My father is a lost cause. My mother and I fight nearly every weekend. She has never held a driver's licence and expects me to pick her up from work most nights. Thirdly, I have only two friends, and I have been very unsuccessful at making new ones. I have this one friend who I have known for two decades. We're supposed to be going away next year and she was too hesitant to buy a seat to sit next to me on the plane, because it wasn't for free. Boggles the mind. Meanwhile, I have another friend who I have known for one decade, and she literally shouted me dinner (because she knows that I am currently on Job Seeker). She spent nearly $80. 

I think that it is worth mentioning that I am currently different psychiatrists on a rotational basis, which really does not help when having to discuss my trauma and obvious misdiagnosis of Hebephrenic Schizophrenia all over again. I want to see a psychiatrist privately, but I can not afford to see one. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Thankyou for your honest well written post, I'm glad you are here. We are here 24/7/365 so more accessible that other services- just post and wait for a reply. Sometimes a post will allow you to "let go" enough to move on that day so we hope we help.

I've had obsessions also. I'm 67yo and when 18yo I had a fight with a colleague in the Air Force. I felt guilty and when Facebook came about in 2009 I messaged him out of guilt. So it was 35 years later I did that- how insane is that?. He closed his account. So guilt can steer us in the wrong direction because we allow guilt to rule our minds where it should be the other way around. Intrusive thoughts are similar, if our thoughts are unrealistic through fear then they are unproductive and hurt us, there is no point dreaming of what will never happen. So as soon as you think something that is highly unlikely to occur- get distracted, walk, do a hobby etc because those thoughts dont assist us.

So to accept your obsession with this bus driver was, yes, beyond ok but understandable is doing yourself a service. Will you ever move on fully? Just like my fight, no, it will always be there, so best to accept it and think about it less and less. You were in love with a guy that didnt return the love, it is ok!!

Parents. I commend you for wanting a family so go for it!! The only thing I'd suggest is that you leave the door open a little for at least your mum. Maybe once a year and you can communicate by letter etc. Just look for friends of all ages and friendships can develop. I have 2 mother figures from friendships (lol one is younger than me). I ceased seeing my own mother in 2011, she is 92yo now. Good on you. Do you know how many old ladies are living on their own? 

You have 2 close friends. $80 was generous to buy a meal, sometimes a cake and coffee much cheaper can suffice but that is some friend. Many of us with mental health issues find it hard to find friends. Seek out your interests and find them there. I once flew model airplanes and found same at a club.

You can keep posting here and me and others can reply. Or post new topics as challenges come about. Our library in search is amazing.

The 1st post of each below are worth reading

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/protection-against-doom-and-gloom/td-p/549245

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/suicidal-thoughts-and-self-harm/theories-on-suicidal-thoughts/td...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/control-your-life/td-p/296113

TonyWK

TonyWK

[goldilocks]

Hi TonyWK,

Honestly, most of the time I am too overwhelmed to respond to people when they offer support to me; it is almost like as if it is sensory overload. So there are timers where I need to just meditate, or sit quietly in a dark room with the fan on. I have too much support in place. First of all, I speak with my Kids Helpline counsellor once a month (due to my age (I am 25 going on 26 and will therefore be too old to use the service)). As previously mentioned, I speak with psychiatrists, but they are available on a rotational basis, so I see different ones monthly, which is incredibly annoying. You would honestly think that psychiatrists would and should provide the most support to me, but due to, what I believe, is my misdiagnosis, they do not seem to believe anything that comes out of my mouth. A previous psychiatrist who I saw at my local mental health centre informed me that she wanted to take me off of one of my antipsychotics, which would have left me on one antipsychotic and one antidepressant. But when informed my most recent psychiatrist this, she did not believe me, because it had not been written down in my notes! Honestly. It has been agreed upon by a group of people from my local mental health centre that I try a medication that I have already tried, again for a condition that my family and I do not believe I have. Just about every psychiatrist that I have seen wants me to discuss my trauma with this DH bus driver all over again. This occurred years ago. It's almost like as if I am going backwards here, and that these psychiatrist are not open minded to the fact that I am trying to move on in life. I am only a consumer at the local mental health centre still because of my care coordinator, who is helping me become more social.

Sorry TonyWK. I needed to get that off my chest. Returning to the content of this post...

When I was put into the psychiatric ward three times in a year, I was actually taught distraction techniques. They were not helpful back then. I will usually catch the bus and listen to music as a way of distracting myself, now that this particular driver has lost his job. I may not have his photo on my phone anymore, and I may not love nor respect him anymore but he will always be at the back of my mind as someone who I previously loved but had ultimately traumatised me in the long run. He is the reason as to why I have developed a tough relationship with my parents, namely my mother, as she does not agree with age gap relationships. Dad, on the other hand, wanted me to pursue more happiness and independence away from him and mum. Which is far enough, especially for a then 19yo.

I am really glad that mum is seeking help for her problems. We've agreed to keep seeing our own counsellors respectably before we consider in commencing family counselling. I think that mum and I would really benefit from family counselling, and we could eventually invite dad along to 😊 With regards to making friends, I have tired using this app called bumble - but with no real luck unfortunately. There is another woman in my life who I consider to be like another mum to me, and she is such a beautiful person.

$80 just happened to be the amount that dinner came to. She ordered something for herself, I ordered something for myself, and we got something to share. I agree, it was a bit pricey in total, but it didn't seem too pricey if we were to pay separately. I had to keep my last $30 for phone credit. Although, having to pay that amount didn't seem to phase her. She told me, after I thanked her for buying me dinner, 'that's okay, that's what best friends are for!'

Thank You for your response, TonyWK. I will check out the links ASAP 😁