Suicidal thoughts

[Racingmind123]

Hi, 

It’s been a few years, but I’m back here again. It’s funny how so much time has passed, so much has changed, and yet… here I am again spiralling back down. But this time feels different… this time I’m calm. I don’t have the irrational, out of mind emotion to self harm again… this time I have a plan and I feel calm about it. Very long story short… I’ve been bullied from a young age, I was sexually abused by my cousin at a young age, I’ve been raped by a bf but had no fight in me to report it, I fell for a narcissist and was emotionally abused for two years which took another two to recover from… I then got roped in to an ex and later found he had a gf the whole time… to now being played by another for months, told everything you want to hear then dropped like you are nothing and says he’s emotionally unavailable (i.e. met someone else)… I was emotionally neglected by my mother as a child and I have done the counselling and am actually very self aware of my trauma and attachment style. Though I did everything ‘right’ for this last guy and really worked on boundaries and communication and needs… and yet, still got played…. I have everything else I’ve ever wanted in my life which has taken a lot of work and time… and yet, I’m feeling it’s becoming impossible to find a genuine loving partner. I give and they simply take. I have nothing left to give. I was happy being alone for many years. Though now, at almost 37, the thoughts of going home every day alone has become unbearable. I just moved interstate away from family and friends. I feel like I’ve literally run out of reasons to live. If you’re not able to love and be loved in return, I simply see no point. ‘Things’ don’t matter to me. I don't think I can spend another bday, another Christmas, another new years alone. Feel like I’ve tried everything, but I still end up here… alone, wanting to leave this world. 

[white knight]

Hi again,

Coming full circle, I understand. One of the hardest things in life is finding ones soul mate. No wonder you want to give up on the whole idea. Then again there is the "he's just around the corner" thoughts I had myslefg and it ended up working for me. If you keep saying that to yourself even out loud, that opportunity can come especially if you put it out there exactly what you are after. Yes, I'm talkiing computer dating.

My daughter did this and spoke with a guy for 3 months before they met, eventually married and boy, he is the nicest honest guy. We do tend to meet the wrong type though and it does take us a few decades to realise who are the wrong ones we've been dating all along. So the advantage now is that you have that experience under your belt and know who you DONT want.

I prefer you dont give up. In fact I suspect you wont, you just feel deflated. Putting in some measures to protect yourself is a good direction. Talking more before meeting, seeking out their negatives and taking it slow. And a tip- worrying about your age is something I used to do, its non productive and can see you rushing things. 

Returning to traditional ways of meeting others does work, sports, hobbies eg joining a barracking club like footy, basketball etc. Fill your diary of things to attend.

I hope I've helped reply anytime

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/successfully-overcoming-challenges/td-p/331063 

TonyWK

[Racingmind123]

I really appreciate the reply and advice. Means a lot. It definitely comes in waves. One minute I’m strong and the next I’m searching for a bridge… the only tie holding me here is my dog. I feel like this last guy set the bar so high that no one else is going even come close to it… but then again I’m trying to tell myself that it was all fake. It was a fake bar set too high cause it wasn’t real… but it doesn’t help much. Very deflated indeed. 

[white knight]

As a routine, habit, I've developed a belief that the next day I'll be 50% better than today. A good sleep, a movie even a solid breakfast all helps.

Good that you posted.

TonyWK