Hi, I have been down the awful, confusing, distressing, road that you are on. What I found helpful was (and this sounds ridiculous) was listening to music and dancing to it. It, for a while took away my thoughts of hurting myself. I also recorded speaking to myself that I was strong, I would make it out of awful situation. I replayed when feeling so low and it did help somewhat. You are not alone in this struggle. Love yourself, and forgive yourself. My psychiatrist told me that when I was in a depressive mood I was not myself, someone else. Keep strong my friend.
