Hi Matt
I feel for you so deeply as you struggle so much to find your way through what is so upsetting and depressing. Both lost and alone are 2 emotions that, especially when combined, can lead to such an incredible sense of despair and heartache.
As a 52yo gal who holds the ability to feel what can be so deeply depressing, I would say it is an almost cruel ability to have. It can lead to such overwhelming sufferance. I've found that while I'm in this state of feeling so deeply, often I simply can't see. I'm unable to conjure up a constructive vision of the future, including being able to see the way forward. I've come to manage such occasions by finding a seer (someone else who can see for me). This will often be someone who can see what I need to see most, become conscious of, and someone who can see step by step how I need to gradually move forward. Whether your seer comes in the form of a friend, a family member or someone you employ/pay to see for you (such as a counselor) etc, it sounds like this is what you need most right now, beside compassion and understanding.
Based on your struggles with anxiety, you sound like a seer yourself. To clearly see, in your mind, what is anxiety inducing becomes so deeply challenging, especially when that's all you can see. One of the things I've discovered about managing anxiety and depression is...unless someone can give me a constructive vision or revelation I can fully relate to I simply cannot see my way out of such states. So, what someone offers us has to be relatable. If we can't relate to what 99% of the world's population can relate to, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us, just means we simply can't relate for one reason or another. Could be our belief systems that aren't serving us, we were raised in a way that doesn't allow us to relate, our internal chemistry is out of balance etc etc.
Matt, try and be compassionate toward yourself. This is the first time you've faced this challenge. You've never faced it before, in this form. This could explain why this feels like a whole new level of anxiety. What you're feeling may be one of the greatest challenges you've ever felt, requiring the greatest level of support and guidance.
