Overcoming the need for self harm / punishment

[Supermum]

Hello all, 

I am just wondering if anyone has advice re the overwhelming need for self punishment driven by guilt and past abuse/ trauma in the form

Of excess medication, inflicting pain on oneself, sexual punishment and risk taking ? I do see a psychologist weekly and have input from a psychiatrist who have given me tools to try and help but I haven’t elaborated on the whole extent of my thoughts.
It makes me feel absolutely disgusting at times and I am truly ashamed. 
I try to visualize it just as a thought and not to give it the time and to let it pass but it’s just not that easy at all. 
 
I hope it doesn’t offend or upset anyone 

L 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Supermum

Thank you for sharing so bravely with us here on the forum today. We're so sorry to hear you've been experiencing a lot of guilt and shame around the coping mechanisms you've built up to deal with your past abuse/trauma. We know how hard it can be to post as openly as this, but we also hear how much you want to connect with others to get advice and we hope that you will find some responses in this beautiful, supportive and non-judgemental online community that will be truly helpful for you.

We want you to know that this is also definetly something you can talk with our BB counsellors about and If you feel you could reach out to our counsellors to talk this through, we’re available on 1300 22 4636, or you can reach us online here. There’s also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14. We're all available 24/7 if you ever need someone to talk to.

We also wonder if you’d like to share some of the things that you have tried that have helped you in the past? Maybe it’s calling a friend or a helpline, exercising, or using an app for mindfulness or distraction?

We look forward to hearing what our other community members have to say, and we hope to hear back from you soon.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Supermum

I feel for you so much as you face this incredible challenge and deep longing to make a difference. I'm hoping the following angle makes a difference to you.

One of the ways that makes a difference for me involves me becoming more conscious of my inner dialogue. 'Where's it coming from?' becomes the #1 question. Only when I can pick where it's coming from can I begin to manage it. Not sure if you can relate but I'm amazed by the amount of people I've met over the years who experience the 'You' factor with their internal dialogue. For example, you could ask yourself the question 'What's wrong with me?' and hear in response 'You are are hopeless. You're pathetic' etc. What is saying 'You' and 'You're'? Someone suggested we have a number of different facets to who we are. When we throw out a question to our self, one of those facets will respond. Again, the question 'What's wrong with me?'. If the inner critic responds, it may respond with 'You're pathetic', yet if the inner sage responds it may respond with 'You need to develop greater self understanding'.

Took me years to figure out why I was so brutal on myself. I finally realised the self loving compassionate part of me had not yet come to life. So how could I possibly hope to channel a part of me I hadn't developed. I've brought it more to life in the last few years typically through the phrase 'Under the circumstances...'. While I punished myself for years for making some shocking destructive choices, I stopped beating myself up through 'Under the circumstances, of relying on alcohol to manage depression, I made poor non conscious choices while under the influence'. I show compassion toward my younger self who faced depression and alcoholism. Under the circumstances of never being led to understand how self love is felt and developed, I was cruel toward myself and highly self destructive. The loving compassionate part of me dictates this was not my fault, not knowing how to love myself. Not a lot of us are taught. Typically, it's only when a lack of self love becomes intolerable that we go looking for ways to begin developing it.

'Under the circumstances...' can trigger a deeply compassionate part of us that needs us to become more conscious of our circumstances before it can show us great love and compassion.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear L,

 I just wanted to send you support and for you to know you are not alone in facing these challenges. I feel that what The Rising says is spot on about when the absence of self-love becomes intolerable, that’s when we start to seek ways of finding it. But it’s often a very vulnerable time and it can bring the shame and abandonment from the past up for us. But these feelings are not our fault, so it’s developing that compassionate self that the Rising describes that can become our new inner self-carer.

 I’m going through this stuff right now and have had self-destructive thoughts come up, and it can be very hard when in the midst of that to not get lost in it. But I keep trying to come back to being a loving carer of myself. When I reached a point of overwhelm recently I called Lifeline and got a lovely, gentle man and somehow his kindness activated my inner-self care potential and it changed the state I was in. I’d called another helpline minutes earlier and got someone who was stressing me out with intense questions I couldn’t answer, so ended that call and re-composed myself enough to call Lifeline and got someone calm and caring. That was a bit of my inner self-carer that was still functioning that was able to act on my behalf and not give up. So I’ve found reaching out for connection, like you have done by posting here, can be a way of activating and expanding that self-care dynamic. The fact you have reached out shows you have that caring part developing in you already. As that part gets stronger, the self-destructive parts start to lessen.

It can be a process of flux, moving between states of self-love and self-destructive thoughts, but as long as you can keep the self-love part online, even if it’s in the background, you have this to draw on and that can help you feel safe. I got to pat a dog I met yesterday and even something as simple as that activated a feeling of self-care within myself.

 I find it incredibly healing to spend time in nature where I feel held and safe. Is there something you have that helps you feel supported and connected? A way of resourcing yourself when challenging thoughts and feelings arise?

[Supermum]

Thank you for your reply , 

A lot of what you were discussing tang very true for me . The inner critic seems to be constantly commentating on every thought every decision and it’s brutal . So I like you resort  to alcohol and bad decisions risk  taking . 

I am interested to hear your theory on the under the circumstances mantra . 

L

[Supermum]

Hello , 

• It’s reassuring and validating to hear I am not alone as sometimes I feel like I just need to do something to stop the emotions.   I struggle with the person I have become and I have no time for her. just don’t like the person I have become one little bit.The only release sometimes is pain physical pain ( that I can handle )to drown out the pain I can’t handle . I often find that that pain to feel something else and the punish the person I do not like.  Im ashamed of this .. very ashamed as it comes in the form of self harm .  .No one  knows and no-one sees/ feels it but me. This makes me feel inhuman and that I will never be normal again . 
• I too love nature and walking my dogs and this is part of my self care as well as seeing friends for catch ups and dancing . 
  This partially fills my cup but the bloody critic and self loathing seems all to quick to knock over that cup . 
  Lx 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear L,

 I understand what you are saying. Sometimes it is wanting to feel a different pain from the emotional pain you are in. As you say, a pain you can handle. I was in that space a couple of weeks ago. It is so hard sometimes.

 I try to get to a place of self-love and nurturance. I’m thinking of posting some reminders of this for myself at home, to catch myself out before I go into self-criticism. I actually bought a stuffed toy for myself the other day, representing my inner child. I gave her a name and picked her up a few times to hold her when I’ve felt myself collapsing again, to activate a self-care response instead of a self-attack one.

I’m glad you have dogs. They are so good for us. I don’t have one right now but I’m thinking about it.

If you start to feel any self-harm impulses you can always call a helpline or post here, even if it’s just for a chat to distract you. Sometimes that just allows you to co-regulate with another person and helps to feel safe again. When I spoke to a gentle, kind man on Lifeline recently he was asking me about my hometown and the nature places around me, and it was just a very normal chat about normal things. I find just having such a simple and kind conversation can really help so much.

Another thing that a psych once taught me was just bringing myself back to the present by looking around the room to see where my attention falls. Then she got me to say what I noticed and I got to describe the colours and shapes of things that I liked, such as a pot plant and the forms of the leaves. It’s a form of grounding that brings you into the sensory present moment.

You are showing great self-care and courage by posting here. Sending you loving and kind thoughts 🙏

[therising]

Hi Supermum

'Under the circumstances...' can definitely be a challenging one to work with, with the challenge involving having to work out what the circumstances actually are. I've found it's far from easy when it comes to identifying them at times. Even more challenging is when there is a set of circumstances. I've found with a set, I can eliminate 1 or 2 issues but still remain depressed for a period based on the other factors I haven't addressed or am not yet conscious of. Self understanding can definitely be taxing work at times. Can get pretty exhausting.

A set could look like

• When the analyst in us is analysing all the things that are depressing in life, so we can become more conscious of them
• We're lacking restorative sleep (the kind that restores energy levels while impacting our inner chemistry). We might think we're sleeping all the way through the night but be wrong. Such is often the case with sleep apnea, for example
• When people are simply hoping we 'get better'. They may care enough to check in on how we're going but not be actively loving us back to life, pushing and raising us to do the things that are going to make some difference
• We may be lacking a serious guide, while feeling so overwhelmingly lost to the point where it's deeply depressing

So, the depressing set of circumstances: Our inner analyst working overtime, a depressing lack of energy, no one actively raising us back to life in ways we can relate to and being stuck in a depressing standstill at crossroads. I suppose you could say, it's the perfect recipe for depression, a combination of ingredients. The recipe for success has to then also have a number of ingredients, the ideal mix.

Being kind to our self might sound a little like 'Based on the number of depressing factors in my life, I'm actually performing like a champion while in a state of dysfunction'. Sometimes we can wake up to how amazing we actually are under the circumstances 🙂

[Supermum]

Ok so my psychologist today said that my diagnosis is BPD . That I hit the markers of 5 of the tick boxes. I don’t want to tick the boxes … 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear L,

 I have some familiarity with BPD having had friends with it and my Mum showed possible signs of it in that she fitted some of the symptoms but not others, but was never diagnosed. I’m not diagnosed with it, but during particularly stressful periods I’ve seen elements of shame and fear of abandonment emerge. They haven’t led to frantic attempts to avoid abandonment but I’ve felt that urge within in me. I’ll then feel shame that I’m feeling that way. When I’m most affected that can lead me to feel self-destructive. These feelings directly relate to actual experiences of abandonment in childhood and shame induced by others in childhood.

 I just mention these things because we are complex beings and even if you get a diagnosis it is not a fixed thing that defines you. It is psychological medicine’s attempt to define and understand what is going on, but you are much more than that and a precious and unique human being who can grow and work through those challenging things you experience.

BPD can also look somewhat like complex PTSD. If you don’t feel the diagnosis of BPD quite fits you, you can explore that further with your existing psychologist. You can also seek a second opinion. But even if it does seem to fit, it’s ok. I try to think of all the diagnoses that end in ‘D’ for disorder, not so much as fixed end points or ‘disorders’ but something that can shift and change.

Some people are now preferring to describe post traumatic stress disorder as simply post traumatic stress, and there is increasing talk of post traumatic growth. So you are an organic being who can heal. I know that’s not an easy journey, and I’ve just crawled myself out of a dark night of the soul I’ve been in over the past week. It’s an ongoing process, but the fact you are reaching out and communicating here shows you have good self-awareness and you want to resolve and heal stuff within you.

How are you feeling today?