Suicidal constantly

[Chris_Tas]

Hi all.

Like others I think of suicide basically constantly.

It's like a someone whispering in me ear that I can't stop as my life otherwise is (mostly) ok.

I told my parents again but they just said Im an attention seeker that using it as an excuse not to work.

That is far from the trust as when I tell them I'm suicidal they laugh and then get angry.

It's so difficult as it makes my suicidal thoughts worse but they seem completely oblivious.

Anyway stay safe all.

Chris

[Chris_Tas]

Read your post many times theRising.

You certainly are a fountain of knowledge and experience. Invaluable to me and no doubt everyone who goes through these times.

Thank you and my update is that still in heaps of discomfort with my injuries, but being out of the wheelchair has given me mixed emotions.

Great to be free of it but now more frustrated of what I "could" be doing but I can't.

Ah well one day at a time.

How are you? (and others, feel free to respond to me as I'm here to try and help anyone despite my failings as a person)

Chris

[Chris_Tas]

Ps; new Greyhound i adopted for Terry for my parents.

He is Buddy - black white tipped male and in my new avatar pic!

Gentle very tall boy like Terry (73cm at shoulder)

[therising]

Hi Chris

Greyhounds are absolutely beautiful looking dogs with an absolutely beautiful temperament. I'm glad Terry has a pal. Will be interesting to see which one acts as a kind of guide, carer and/or protector for the other. Like people, animals have such unique natures.

Good to hear you're making gradual progress in the way of regaining your physical ability. I imagine it will come with some mental challenges too. I find when I'm coming out of some significant challenge, typically something in me says 'Okay, life has got to be different from hereon in. How am I going to achieve that?'. Such a transitional period can be messy seeing it can be comprised of not just figuring out new ways of reforming myself but because it also entails a time of reflection. You know the kind of reflection that starts out a little like 'Okay, where have I been going wrong? What's depressing in my life?' etc etc. Before you know it, it's kind of like you've just tapped into everything dysfunctional and everything that's potentially depressing. So what started out as a constructive analysis, in order to see what needs to be addressed, has suddenly turned into 'Now that it all adds up, I'm worse than I originally thought and life is far more depressing that I originally imagined'. Constructive analysis can get pretty dark pretty fast if we're not careful.

When it's a productive checklist, such a time of analysis is meant to go more like

1. Depressing internal dialogue, check, that has got to go
2. Nothing or no thing exciting in my life, check, that needs looking into so I can adopt new things
3. Too much bad/brown fat in my body weighing me down (mentally and physically), check, identified as 'self destructive'. Yellow fat - good. Brown fat - bad
4. Too much thinking (time spent in my head) not enough action, check, definitely a problem

I'll take that constructive checklist and put a depressing spin on it so you can see how dark it can get. 1) I'm so negative, 2) I have nothing in my life to look forward to, 3) I'm fat and 4) I'm lazy or 'I'm all talk but no action'. Same issues, very different perspectives.

This is where I've come to appreciate that old 'Angel on one shoulder, devil on the other' aspect. Our perspective on any challenge will tell us which shoulder we're leaning more toward. The wrong perspective can become a hell on earth type of experience, that's for sure.

Spot on Chris, one day at a time. My mantra lately has been 'One step at a time and calm the hell down' 🙂

[therising]

Hey there Chris

Got the yellow and brown fat factors around the wrong way. Brown's good, yellow's bad. I think it's the neurotic part of me that had to correct that, while the easy going part of me was dictating don't worry about it. There you go, the battle between 2 minds can play out in the silliest most simplistic ways 🙂 Internal dialogue's a funny thing at times. At other times not so light hearted or funny. The latter's the most challenging.

[Chris_Tas]

Will respond asap TheRising.

Thank you again - you are extremely knowledgeable.

Just an update for all.

I hit 6000 steps for first time since breaking my shoulder and ankle.

Sure my alcoholism cost me a lot, the worst being my mental health, however I'm focussed on getting better!

[Petal22]

Hi Chris,

That's fantastic, you will get better!

Keep up the great work.

[Chris_Tas]

Thank you Petal.

I was 105kg and unhealthy weight now 89kg.

Getting healthier has really helped my motivation.

Extremely hard to start that though- that's where the injuries whilst very severe has actually helped me mentally.

Strange I know....but it's like it reset me mentally. (and I've done every mental counselling possible with no success)

[Petal22]

That’s great Chris that you are getting healthier a real accomplishment.

I wanted to thank you also for your valued contribution to the forums with your lived experience.

[Chris_Tas]

Thank you Petal. Yes I'm working hard on my health and it does motivate me.

Yeah thank you very much again but nah.

No need to give me credit as if it wasn't for people like you, theRising, Sophie and others I wouldn't be here.

I mean that.

To me yes I don't have to post, but after so many near misses I feel necessary to give back to this fantastic community and it's never a chore.

If I can help anyone else based on my own experience and knowledge then it's another huge motivation to me to keep getting up every day.

Hope you and everyone are doing ok today.

Chris

[Petal22]

Thank you Chris, for your kind words 😊

I understand that you have been on a journey and I can see that things are improving for you which I am so happy to see.

You too Chris are a remarkable kind person and I could see your potential from our first meeting.

I still believe that you will help many that are going through mental health conditions Chris and I can see that you are already beginning to do this…. Allow it to be your motivation when you are ready.

Keep shining