Struggling

[LJpd81]

Hi I've been up and down with mental health issues for a while now. Depression,  anxiety and self harm. 

I was going ok,but then I started drinking again more. Which is also an issue for me.

Last weekend I did something really dumb and misused my medication and also self harmed also a few days ago, after drinking alcohol.  I hadn't done that since last year.

I have had lots of thoughts of wanting to hurt myself. 

I emailed my psychologist and told her. I also told my best friend and my husband now knows.

I hate that I am disappointing and upsetting everyone. 

My doctor knows too, as my psychologist called her. 

I went to the mental health unit the other day and I spoke to a psychiatrist.  It helped.  Then I felt negative,  drunk alcohol and self harmed. 

My doctor knows too.

My husband now has control of my medication.  Quire rightly,  but I hate not having control. I must admit if I had access, I'd probably do it again. 

Just to hurt myself,  not something else.

I've taken this week off work too, to try and feel better. 

I've had sharp left side stomach pains the last 2 days. My husband wanted me to get checked out at hospital.  I said I'm ok. Don't feel it's an emergency. 

I woke up feeling a bit depressed and decided I'm having alcohol. My husband definitely looked very disappointed.  As alcohol is not at all helpful for my mental health and why I hurt myself.  And I know if I'm already depressed,  alcohol won't hurt.

[Sophie_M]

Hi LJpd81,

We're sorry to hear that you felt you were going ok for a bit, but that you're now back to struggling again. It's hard feeling as though you're constantly upsetting and disappointing others too...

Please remember that although you did relapse and have revisited self harming as coping, you've responded really strongly in some regards. You've been honest, you've told your psychologist, your husband and your best friend. You went to the mental health unit and saw a psychiatrist. Your doctor is also now aware... This accountablity is incredibly important, and you've really showed great strength in being able to admit whats going on and to share that you're not coping at the moment with these integral support system touch points.

Whilst it can be hard feeling like you have to admit temporary defeat, you've reached out to your support team and you're also sharing on here.

Keep on going.

Please don't hesitate to reach out and call us if you need someone else to talk to at any time. You can call us on 1300 22 4636, or connect with us live via webchat (here). There's also lifeline on 13 11 14. We're available 24/7.

IMPORTANT NOTE - PLEASE: Do not hesitate to call 000 (triple zero) if you are in immediate danger to yourself, or take yourself to your nearest Emergency Department for mental health assistance if you feel you need to.

Kind regards,

Sophie M
 

[Croix]

Dear LJpd81~

Welcome.

Sophie_M has already pointed out you are doing the right thing in letting your husband and medical support know. Trying in isolation is not something many can do, so that's pretty sensible.

I can't say I'd agree wiht you when you talk of letting peple down, nobody wiht any common sense will understand that falling over only happens after a period of success - so you have been better at this than you give yourself credit for.

Praise from others - but particularly from yourself - for the successes you have had is more important than dwelling on what went wrong. It's a difficult thing to get into the habit of doing, but encouragement always is better than criticism.

I'm a bit worried about you because I get the feeling from what you say that one of the reasons you harm yourself is to punish yourself - forgive my if I've made a mistake.

I bring this up becuse you have had sharp pains in your side for a couple of days, your husband quite rightly suggests getting it checked out, you are saying no.  You - no matter what you may believe -are worthy of the best of care -and of the love of your husband.

May I suggest you do get them checked out straight way, if it turns out to be a minor matter what's lost?

Croix

[therising]

Hi LJpd81

You're going through such a horrible torturous time and my heart truly goes out to you. I wish there was something I could say to make all the difference. I'm hoping being able to relate in some way may be of some help. I hope so.

I'm a gal who drank my way through long term depression some years back. When I look back, I'd compare not drinking and drinking through depression to everything feeling 'sharp' compared to everything feeling 'blurred', emotion-wise. The blur 'takes the edge off' the sharpness of all those seriously tough emotions.

I found taking the edge off came at a cost for me. When I compare life back then to life now as a non drinker, which can still be depressing on occasion, back then I'd lose my ability to self regulate when I drank. What I mean is...imagine you have a core sense of self, that sense of self that manages a number of aspects of who you are. I suppose the core would resemble an old style wagon wheel, with different aspects of us being the spokes. Imagine your core manages the adventurer in you, the feeler (the part of us that feels or senses all our experiences) etc etc. With that core sense of self out of action, due to intoxication, the adventurer can become the dangerous risk taker. Out of control, the analyst starts to analyse every fine depressing detail and the feeler in us will feel everything 10 times more intensely. That core sense of self keeps the reigns on all of them, reigning them in when need be. Maybe that core sense of self in us is the sage, the voice of reason. It can be the voice that ,may sometimes dictate 'You can't do this. There has to be a better way'.

Hard to hear the sage in us through all the depressing internal dialogue, that's for sure. Might sound a bit out there but have you ever tried meditating through your imagination? As I say, this does sound strange but what if you meditated for 10 minutes at the most effective or ideal part of the day, imagining channeling the sage in you. You have to seriously relax into it, really relax, almost like a day dreamy state. Edit out everything negative that naturally comes to mind and only take notice of what feels like a revelation or constructive way forward.

If there was a choice between coming to channel the sage in you and drinking, which would you choose?