Struggling

[jsm1974]

I'm new to the forums, despite the fact that I probably should have been on here years ago.

The pandemic has been hard on everyone, myself included. I have lost my job at a University, where I have been a casual, but with consistent work, for 8 years. I had been planning to change career paths, but that plan, as well as every other plan collapsed this week with my wife and best friend saying that she wants to separate. I know that living with someone with depression and anxiety can be difficult, but she always assured me that she loved me and would always stand by me. I'm sure she meant it at the time, but even then I knew on some level that eventually she would get tired of it.

I have been crying for three days with very little intermission. I have absolutely no support system, as I have no friends at all and I am estranged from my family. In a nutshell, the future I had been dreaming of is completely shattered. This would not be quite as distressing if I were still young, but I have just turned 47, so starting over, especially with debts, will not be easy at all. To make matters worse, I am struggling to see any point in starting over. I was pretty dissatisfied with the world before this, but always had my wife to remind me that it's not all bad. She didn't even have to say anything. Just knowing she was there was enough. Now she's not.

I haven't eaten nor stopped crying for any real period of time in over 2 days and can't sleep without a lot of help from prescription drugs. I have always thought that I had the tools to deal with most issues that life sends my way, but this is so much worse than I ever could have imagined. I'm desperate for someone to talk to, but most therapists are booked out and the hotlines haven't been much help due to the short consultation times and the fact that I can't even see who I'm talking to. Keeping busy doesn't help, as reality just hits that much harder when I'm done with whatever I was doing.

I wouldn't kill myself (at least in the short term) as I know how much it would hurt her, but I don't really see the point in living a pointless existence either, so I'm at an impass. Any advice (apart from calling the free counselling numbers, of course) would be welcome.

[HappyHelper88]

Hi JSM im glad your here and its never too late! Thankyou for sharing, usually nothing goes to plan......and then the pandemic makes things even harder! I have lost my job 3 times in the past year due to Covid!!!! Added pressure from the pandemic has broken up many once happy relationships and caused a massive strain on everyone.
Its good to cry and let things out because you have had a massive life change occur, feeling like you dont have a support system is a lonely feeling but you are never alone. As hard as it is, there is nothing wrong with starting over, it seems like alot at the start but start with small steps piece by piece and things will get easier.
Please be careful with presciption Drugs and please eat something, your body needs foods to function. This feeling will pass be kind to yourself
Im so glad to hear that you wouldnt hurt yourself because there is always support here, especially on the forum we are a big family. My advice is to be kind to yourself and your body, have hot showers, watch movies and eat your favourite foods do whatever you feel that you need to get through this. Things will get better, they always do in time'
I Hope this helps, stay strong

[Croix]

Dear Jsm1974~

Welcome here to the Forum. It is a good move to come as you can talk with lots of people (you may have to browse and visit their threads as well as remain here in your own). That way you can receive support and have no time limit

I agree that at times support lines are not much help, it depends a lot on circumstances.

Yes, it is exceptionally hard for you at the moment, and if you are like I was, you may be blinded to all the things in life except your current circumstances - no job - separation - loneliness and seeing everything as pointless.

Coping with all this on your own is horrible. People help. You did say you had no one, even though you are estranged from your family do you think that applies to all, or might there be one to talk with who would care? A person elsewhere, perhaps from your old job? The hardest part of course is reestablishing the old contact, however it can be worth it

Talking of people is there any activity you can do that let you mix with others? Anything from the Gym to volunteering?

You has said you were thinking of changing jobs, would you like to say what held your interest?

While we are at it may I ask what in the past you have enjoyed, or has given you a lift? Exercise, reading, pets, podcasts .... You would know, these are just guesses. Mine: books & old TV Shows & movies.

I remarried around you age, whch was pretty amazing as this was after I'd been invalided out of my job, with not prospects, plus PTSD, bouts of depression and anxiety, not to mention being suicidal.

It all worked out, we are still together 20+ years later. I'm a different person nowadays.

One of the things have found to be very useful when becoming overwhelmed, hopeless and frightened of what I might do is a safety plan. No thinking, just grab it. I use this free one for the phone

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

It's called BeyondNow and is not totally what you might expect. It has the normal quick dial settings for an emergency, but also has a great deal of space to list those things I was talking about earlier, the ones you have enjoyed or given you a lift.

It can be hard to fill those things in by oneself. I found I was bad at remembering good things, but persevered and now have a lot, YouTube clips - to places to go - or imagine. The secret is to be specific, not "listen to music" but "listen to Paolo Conte's Via Con Me" or wahtever you fancy

I hpe to talk with you again

Croix

[jsm1974]

Thank you so much for your responses. It means a lot just to feel heard.

I have been wracking my brain trying to think of someone I can talk to, but I only have acquaintances, not friends. My wife was never really good at this sort of thing (partly because she has her own issues), but it never mattered. Just feeling that she loved me was always enough to get me over bad days.

I would love to find tv shows, movies....whatever...to distract me, but there is nothing that I can do that doesn't make me think of what I'm losing. I'm not a big fan of food to begin with, but I can't even bring myself to eat. Everything that I used to care about at all now seems meaningless. I think about my life moving forward and there is no goal or destination that I can think of that doesn't feel completely hollow.

I genuinely wish that I could go back in time and undo my marriage. Every good memory is now torture, and the bad ones are all regrets.

[Petal22]

Hi jsm1974,

Wellcome to our forums!

Sorry you are feeling this way, I understand the pandemic has been hard.

Im sorry that your wife has asked to separate.. this must feel very distressing…… did your wife give you an explanation why……..

I highly recommend that you make an appointment with gp and let them know how you are feeling………. You could do a mental health plan together this will enable you to see a psychologist.

Please know you aren’t alone and we are here as a community to support you.

[jsm1974]

Thanks for responding. I'm on mental health care plan and have been for some time. I was actually in the process of finding a therapist (I had put it off forever) when this situation happened.

She hasn't really given a clear explanation, only that she feels like she needs to be alone. She also said that she feels like we were kind of enabling each other and bringing each other down. I agree with her, but I also feel like that can be reversed and we can pull each other up.

She says she is confused, but I don't actually think she is. Based on our conversations and certain aspects of her behavior lately, I know she wants out. I know this on a rational level, but I can't stop giving myself false hope, which is what is killing me. Those conflicting forces are torture.

The worst part is that I know that my depression and anxiety are the cause of this and that she is, justifiably, tired of it.

I appreciate people on the forum saying I'm not alone, but the reality is that I am. I have nobody who genuinely cares about me. Feeling very trapped in this life , and unfortunately this has been a recurring theme for most of my life.

[Doolhof]

hi jsm1974,

I too welcome you to this community. I know we are all anonymous here, but many people here care deeply for others. I hope you are able to gain some sense of acknowledgement and acceptance here.

You mentioned you haven't found the help lines all that supportive, I have phoned them multiple times when I have really been struggling. There were times when I phoned one after the other just so I had someone to talk to. I desperately hoped the person on the other end of the phone had some amazing solution that would make life better.

That feeling of being alone is daunting. It has been for me.

Do you have the opportunity to ask your GP if you can have a couple of days in hospital to rest and have someone else look after you for a while? I'm not sure if that is something you may consider.

When we don't have the strength to care for ourselves, this could be an option if it is available.

Please know my comments here are just suggestions. I don't like going through the tough times in life either.

Is there one thing you can do today that might momentarily help you feel a little better?

Regards to you from Dools

[jsm1974]

It certainly does provide some comfort getting that acknowledgement from people like you on here and it is also good to have an outlet for these feelings. I guess what is missing is the feeling that there is at least one person who really knows me and who I can just hang out with. A hug wouldn't go astray either.

Nothing provides me with any solace at all. In fact, everything around me that I even remotely enjoyed has become like a burning spear in my side. Sounds dramatic, but that is how it feels. I'm even struggling to give any attention to my cat, who I've always adored, because he reminds me of the life I had up until recently. I can only go on so many walks; eventually I have to return here to be constantly tormented. Doesn't really help that I know the final axe is coming but I have to wait for it, as my wife is staying with friends for the weekend.

[Petal22]

Hi jsm1974,

Please go back to the gp you did your mental health care plan with and ask them to refer you to a psychologist…. Please tell your gp how you are currently feeling.. please do this ASAP… it will help you to move forward..

I understand you mentioned prescription drugs …. Depending on what they are some can be addictive so please be careful .

Just give your wife some time, we don’t truly know what someone else is thinking so just give her time and let things settle.

You really can learn to manage your depression and anxiety with the correct help from health professionals…….

I had severe anxiety OCD and have now recovered thanks to the help of health professionals….. there is HOPE that you can learn to manage your anxiety and depression..

Please let me know how you go with your gp and please know you aren't alone you have us on this forum who do genuinely care about you..

here to chat

[jsm1974]

I talked to my garage this morning, but there doesn't seem to be much he can do.

Thankfully I also spoke to the team from the local hospital. Just talking about it to a face I could see was comforting. The counselor also booked me in with a psychiatrist and arranged for support over the weekend.

The only problem is that I still feel like while suicide is not an option for me in the short term, it is inevitable in the medium or long term, however long it takes for my wife to forget about me. I've been fixated on death most of my life, but this is far more intense.