self sabotage?

[taaka]

hi, new to posting here. the situation is stupid. i was at a friends at a get together with maybe 10 ppl, most i know well a few i didn’t. a guy left to go home. when i left later i saw he left his vape on the couch, and i put it in my back pocket. i left her apartment, and he was on his way back upstairs to get it. i just told him i hope he found it. i couldn’t just say “oh yeah i have it” or try to follow him upstairs and naturally procure it for him. so i just left. idk what i was thinking, it can’t just magically disappear. he’s going to think someone stole it. which i did. i feel like shit about it. i hate smoking and i hate the feeling of nicotine. recently i had some bloods done to check my testosterone levels (i’m a trans guy) and my doctor told me my liver wasnt looking good, asked if i drank a lot. i think i might. i sometimes drink a whole bottle of wine just while watching movies in the evening. i join my parents for a couple glasses of wine. i also go out with friends and drink at least once a week, and usually 8 standards minimum. so in my head i wonder if i took the vape bc i want a substitute for drinking..? but i also feel i could just knuckle down and not drink by myself firstly, don’t drink with parents, and curb drinking with friends. but when my friends do things we usually go clubbing or house party kinda situations.

i feel dysphoric and have stopped doing any form of exercise for at least 8 months now. or maybe i’m just lazy and can’t change my life style. i can’t tell which is the truth. i have top surgery booked for february next year, but i’m scared of telling myself everything will improve after that, bc deep down i think it’s a lifestyle choice not my dysphoria. but also dysphoria obviously doesn’t help and does impact me but i don’t think it’s the only reason.

i feel anxious immoral and awful for taking the vape. idk why that vape feels so symbolic to me rn. i feel like i should like hurt myself or smthn to somehow prove i need help. i have tried to “get help” but found it easy to show how these fucked up parts of myself happen so irregularly, and drinking hasn’t really presented itself as an addiction or anything serious. i feel like i’m in a grey area where i could get my shit together or slide into a dark place. but i mostly exist as a perfectly studious, working self sufficient person. just shit like this creeps up and makes me unable to sleep some nights.

guh.

[Sophie_M]

Hi taaka,
 
Welcome to the forums and thank you for your honest post about how you are feeling and what you have been through recently. It takes courage to open up and share ourselves to others. We can hear that you are having a really tough time at the moment, we want you to know that it is ok not to feel ok and that you have done an amazing job by reaching out to us here on the forums. Thank you for sharing that with us today.
We will be checking in with you privately via email to see how we can offer you additional support.
We you are having these thoughts and feelings in the future, especially when it’s late and you find yourself unable to sleep or ruminating on them, we would recommend calling us on 1300 224 6326 or Lifeline 13 11 14 to talk them through.
We also really recommend speaking to a GP about how you are feeling too. It can be hard to open up but having some supports you can turn to when times are tough can be vital. Opening up to a GP is a great way to build a plan for moving through difficult feelings of self-harm or drinking.
 
Otherwise, do you have anyone you trust at the moment who you could share these thoughts with?
 
Welcome again and please feel free to keep the community updated as to how you are going.