Someone to talk to.

[tete]

Hi. I’m new to this and thought I would get on here to see if I could talk to others in my place. I don’t know what to say or how to say it exactly but I will try. It is very hard living with constant thoughts of wanting to end my life. Constantly hoping that there’s an easy way. It’s constant day in day out continuously having to live life and do the things that you have to do but in the back of your mind knowing what you really want to happen. It’s so hard living missrable knowing you have tried everything to change that mind set and it still not working. It’s getting worse as each day goes by.
I am constantly telling myself to snap out of it, constantly trying my best to do what I have to do but knowing exactly what I want. I hear people writing you really don’t want to die. Oh but I do and I’m comfortable with it and I don’t think it’s fair that I am forced to have to live with this crap on my mind. There’s a lot more backstory but basically I’m tired of it all and thought I’d express myself on here. Im sorry if it’s all over the place because I think a lot and there’s to much to go over but that’s basically it.Missrable and not fair that it has to be that way. Thank you. 

[Sophie_M]

Dear tete
 
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums tete, we are so glad that you have made you way here and had the bravery to post and will be reaching out to you privately to offer you some additional support this evening.
 
It's important to reach out as much as you can to those around you too, including any health professionals you might already be engaged with, it takes courage which is demonstrated by you reaching out for support this evening, so please give yourself credit for this and continue to take care of yourself.  

In the meantime tete, we would love for you to give one of our fully trained counsellors a call for some counselling support, we are here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our WebChat.  In addition, our lovely friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are always there for you whenever things are feeling like too much to cope with.

Thank you again for reaching out, we will leave you in the hands of our lovely community members who will be here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards 
 
Sophie M

[Bob_22]

Hi tete,

Welcome to the forums and thank you so much for sharing your experience. I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with suicidal thoughts and also feeling isolated. As Sophie M, mentioned please be sure to visit any of listed crisis lines if you ever need to talk to someone at anytime.

You are absolutely right in saying that it is not right that you have to live with suicidal thoughts everyday. This shouldn't be the norm for anyone and please don't feel its something you need to be comfortable with. You sound like a strong individual who has been fighting for a very long time and I commend you for that. But please know, that you don't have to live like this and things CAN get better. It is simply a matter of finding the right help and appropriate treatment.

Can I ask if you're currently seeing either a GP, psychologist or psychiatrist? It may be that you need some professional support with what you're experiencing and assistance in identifying what it is exactly. For example, when I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder after experiencing suicidal thoughts, I was given appropriate treatment of psychological and medical therapy which made a world of difference.

Please keep us updated and remember you're not alone. TC 💙

Bob

[Centaured]

Hey tete I relate a lot to this. You aren't alone and as the others said there are ways through this. I don't have the answers but can offer that person to talk to who gets it. I live each day with thoughts of wanting to die too,

[tete]

Hi Centaured. 

thank you for replying. It would be nice to  have you to talk to so thank you for the offer. I don’t even have feelings towards it anymore because it’s so deep within and I’ve accepted it as it is. Also thanks for replying also Bob I have tried everything that you mentioned for years I have put myself in inpatient care to try figure it out a few times to try teach myself different ways and nothing has worked. Meds all different kinds of theropies even natural forms but I. Any shake anything off. It’s so draining. If I’m honest I somewhat believe due to the extensive situation and the amount of effort for years I’ve tried to help myself that I just wish they had some form of assisting to end the pain. I know it might sound silly to some people but if you don’t go through it you won’t understand only people that go through it know. Every min of every day from the time I wake up. Why did I have to wake up. Go to bed, please don’t let me wake up. Yet again sorry if my thoughts are all over the place I am writing my thoughts as I’m going. There’s a lot but sometimes I don’t see the point writing them when there’s one goal I would like. That’s peace from my own mind that makes my life missrable. Tks. 

[Bob_22]

Hi tete,

Thank you for your update. It is great to hear that you've tried professional help (even though it hasn't been successful) as this shows your commitment to wellness. I'm sorry to hear that even after years you haven't found relief. I can't imagine how difficult that is and how resilient you must be. 

It's also great to hear that you think it is nice to have someone to talk to here on the forums. Yes please keep us updated and informed here. If you need to get anything off your chest or touch base feel free to post to this thread or any others you connect to. Also remember, if you ever need to chat to a counsellor one on one you can contact the Beyond blue team at any time by clicking on the "immediate support" button at the top right hand corner of the page.

I myself have struggled with negative thoughts in the past and, similar to you, thought they would never end. Please don't give up on treatment. I know nothing has worked so far but that doesn't mean you shouldn't necessarily stop looking or stop receiving support. My psychiatrist always tells me, that no matter how many therapies you have tried that there always proven treatment options available. Unfortunately it is sometimes just a matter of patience and hope. 

Hope that helps 💙

Bob

[Centaured]

Hey tete how was your day today. 

I understand how constant and draining these thoughts are. I have thought of that option of assistance for the end of life with mental health issues too, but the philosophy behind such a thing wrecks my brain too.

I also have the occasional good days and they give me hope that maybe this pain isn't as permanent or ingrained as I have thought it is. For example I have managed to board a flight on an interstate holiday today because I wanted to give myself good to persue amongst my constant hospital visits and attempts at my life. I have managed to get here of which I am proud and shows me sometimes good things can happen. 

I don't know if my little story about my holiday will help, but like bob had said the therapies and hard work eventually means it's not all shit and that gives me a glimmer of hope that it can change and I may find a will to live. 

[tete]

Hi Centa. 
 Day was crap as usual. Meh to another fffff day. I’m glad to hear that you have decided to take yourself on a holiday. I hope that you are trying to enjoy yourself as much as you can. Did you get up to much today? Anything interesting happen? I’ve actually tried that a couple times myself. Found it a waste of money cause I ended up staying in the hotel in bed watching crap on tv and feeling the same just in a different area. Mmmm 

[tete]

Thanks for replying Bob. 
i find it very hard to think that I’m going to have to spend the rest of whatever life I have to live fighting to stay alive trying to find alittle peace in it. Im very much a loner I don’t really have anyone that i talk to or that’s why I came on here. Plus who wants to keep listening to the depressed guy that can’t seem to get himself together. People tire of it. As I said a couple of times already there is much much more to it all and I I’m over it all. I find it very hard to even reply on here because I don’t know what to say when I know Wgat I feel and what I want the outcome to be. Anyway. Hope alls well. 

[Bob_22]

Hi tete,

Thanks for the update and I'm sorry you had a bad day yesterday. Please don't feel people will get tired to hear about your story. Here on the forums we welcome it. Please feel free to share as little or as much as you feel comfortable sharing. There doesn't have to be an outcome to you sharing on here other than simply getting things off your chest. That's what we're here for! 🙂💙

Bob