Self Imploding Manchild

[Obscure]

I'm 43, no savings, no house, no friends, no ambition, no interest in living but i do have a crippling gambling addiction. I can't talk to my wife or anyone about my problems because they're not normal - things i'd be too scared to mention here. The last time i spoke with a counselor she had to ask for another persons help less than one minute into the conversation and near the end, i was one "wrong" answer away from being locked up for the three day observation thing. I've read some of the posts here and no one has (or at least posted about) the same problems i have.

I do want to feel better but truly believe i'd be put away if i was honest about what goes through my head. It's getting harder and harder to conform to what is deemed as "normal".

I take pills for anxiety but in some ways i think i'm worse off for it. My gambling has been far worse since being on the pills.

For the last four months or so I think about suicide daily. How to do it, where, when, what my note would say. 

[Obscure]

my wife is not my best friend. i'm only with her because we have a child together. i gamble to get away from her.

i dont want to be normal, i just dont understand normal people.

[Obscure]

i didnt understand half of what you said.

i have no aspiration to be normal, what i meant was the mask i put on to fit in is wearing thin and i can't be bothered anymore. i come in to work and dont talk to anyone, just do my work and go home. i want to not exist, i dont want anything else

[Sophie_M]

Hey Obscure,

We’re so sorry to hear that you are experiencing so much pain and feel like you are putting on a mask to fit in. These are very dfficult feelings and you sound like you are in a great amount of distress. We have reached out to you privately to offer support.

May we ask if you are currently seeking mental health support? We could strongly encourage you to talk to a friendly, caring counselor by contacting MensLine Australia which is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/

You can also contact our Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport . They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. There is a webchat service available on the website if you’d prefer to speak over the internet.

Please keep sharing with us how you are doing and feeling so that we can continue to understand and support you.
 

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Obscure,

Thank you, that is very helpful in filling in some of the blanks. If your wife is not your friend now, why is she still with you?

I'm impressed that you took the moral high ground to stay and raise your child - isn't this an asset to you even larger than owning a house? Do you live for them and find pleasure in time spent together? Is your gambling taking away valuable time for this activity?

Could you accept that it is perfectly 'normal' to find oneself in a loveless marriage, lacklustre career, and with no sense of direction? What is' now' does no always infer 'forever'.

• You gamble to avoid your wife - if you leave your wife, will that automatically resolve your gambling problem or is that just an excuse?
• You have no friends - why not join a social activity, men's shed, or sporting pursuit? It may be more rewarding than gambling alone (at least you might gamble less).
• Even if you have no ambition, you have a reliable job which contributes to the household in a meaningful manner. Often there can be workplace socials or interest groups you may wish to join (depending on the nature of your occupation).

The point is, Obscure, nothing is ever really set in stone - there are usually options and compromises to find where you want to be on your terms. If you are not happy with your life, trace it back to where things turned sour and make the necessary adjustments. Some things may involve expense, and others will require you to relinquish long held beliefs of conformity.

If you have spent years trying to be someone you are not, now is the time to discover yourself and make the most of your next 43 years - wherever that takes you. Avoid finality at all cost.

Regards,

t.

[Obscure]

no i'm not getting any support because last time i was nearly put away. i dont see the point anyway. I've seen multiple counsellors, therapists and psychiatrists and none of them work. when i explain whats in my head i think it's a bit beyond them to be honest.

[Obscure]

I think the truth is, i dont want to get better. 

[Helarctus]

Hi Obscure,

"Better" is subjective.

From the way you have written it is clear you are unhappy about several parts of life at the moment. If you just look at those part, would you want to increase/decrease each part? As Tranzcrybe mentioned regarding the gambling, it could be a coping mechanism or a problem of its own or both or something else.

You might not want to change from who you are into the "normal" you observe around you, and that is ok. That is just one direction you could move yourself, not the only way.

Unfortunately there is no magic cure_all or wand you can wave to find the right person to talk to on the first try, there are several threads where people have posted attesting to that. That you came on here and wrote is a good sign that you want to communicate and be understood.

While the people posting here can empathise and cite their personal experience for some insight and suggest what has worked for them, we aren't going to be able to provide the sort of 1:1 time that it sounds like you might need to get the issues off your chest so you can take the step back and look at them without their shadow looming over you.

I hope you do have some good fortune finding a Psych to speak with that is patient and able to help you unpack the knot of emotions and thoughts you have described.

[yggdrasil]

Have you ever tried expressing what's in your head through some sort of "artistic" medium? I think it's easier for people to engage with the extreme thoughts of others if it's abstracted from the person a little bit. If someone explained to a psychologist thoughts along the lines of the plot of "Sin City", maybe the psych would be overwhelmed, but they could probably watch the films/read the comics just fine. Most people like engaging with extreme content, they just want it packaged in a certain way.